The Magic will stomp on your groin

Take a guess at who has the best record in the Eastern Conference right now. Yes, my Orlando Magic son. Even though this has been probably my worst sports year ever, the Magic are busy putting a smile on my stupid face.

Orlando beat the Utah Jazz, the top team in the West last night, and are now 11-4 to start the season. Yes, not even Carlos Boozer and his bionic chest hair could stop the mighty machine that is known as Orlando Magic basketball.

Dwight Howard scores and rebounds while he sleeps, and when he's not doing that, he's helping old lady's cross the street and solving murders. Look at him in that picture. He's bored right there. The game of basketball has become too easy for him. He's just completing a Sudoku puzzle in his mind, just to entertain himself.

The Magic will run up and down and score on you at will. Jameer Nelson runs so hard that he makes Ben Wallace take off his headband. And don't forget about Grant Hill. Yes, Grant Hill is back and he's going to kick you in your lungs if you doubt him. He'll get a triple double, write an article for Time Magazine and then kick you in your lungs for not drafting him in your fantasy draft.

Oh yeah, and then we have Hedo Turkoglu and Darko. They have funny names but what's funnier is your face when they dunk on it. They'll dunk on you and then steal your girlfriend. Cuz that's how they roll. That's how they were raised when they were young boys. They were thought to dunk and to steal your woman.

I know I'm probably jinxing my Magic after writing this post but I don't care. Let me just enjoy this while I can. I spend my days sitting naked in a rocking chair, rocking back and forth in a dark room and wondering where it all went wrong...so, let me atleast enjoy this for the time being.