Dwight Howard is going to get himself some

Dwight Howard will be participating in the Dunk Contest at the All-Star Weekend on February 17th and that means that it's time for me to tell you how awesome Howard is going to be.

Dwight dunks like I masturbate. Hard and angry. When Dwight dunks, it makes Jarod of Subway lose 10 pounds. It's not the sandwiches that make him skinny, it's constant fear of being on the receiving end of a Dwight Howard windmill slam.

When Dwight dunks, he's breaking 27 laws of gravity. Why do you think that Tyrus Thomas said that he's just there to collect a check and go home? Because he knows that Howard's drink of choice is a juice called "Get that weak shit out of here".

Howard is actually a member of the X-Men. Professor X found saw him one day on a playground working on his moves. Xavier then tried to use his mental powers to block Howard from taking it to the hole. You now know why Xavier is in a wheelchair.

So yeah, D-Ho is going to have some fun next Saturday. He's going to dunk so insane that Dominique Wilkins will start talking in some rare Russian dialect. Howard will probably get fined by David Stern after the competition for "pwning deez noobs". Yes, Stern will actually say that.

Sweeet...