Joey Porter is a Dolphin

After I nagged about the fact that Miami didn't sign any big name free-agents yet, they went out and signed Joey Porter to a five-year contract approximately worth $32 million with $20 million guaranteed.

Joey Porter was never a favorite of mine. Seeing him being loud and disruptive would always make me feel pretty sick in my stomach. You know, like when you scrape open both of your knees down to the bone on concrete and then get pure alcohol poured into both gaping wounds while getting beaten over the head with a hammer. That exact feeling...

But hey, now he's a Dolphin. That's the awkward part of building up a big, Eric Mangini sized chunk of hate for a certain player. You have to go through all these phases if your team ends up with him. (see also Orlando drafting J.J. Redick, Atlanta picking up Mike Hampton, Gary Sheffield)

First you're angry. You say angry things like "Fuck, why did we have to get him?? Wasn't there ANYONE else available??". Then you proceed to take out all of that anger on random strangers and preschool kids.

Then, you go through denial. You'll sit there and whistle casual tunes and pretend you didn't read that headline on Espn. Nope, it's just your stupid imagination being a big douchebag...

After that, it's time for acceptance. You realize that it's better to just accept what's happened and try to move forward. Here's where the mind starts to rationalize positively and you actually start to feel good about the whole thing. You say things like "Hmmmm, Joey Porter is a great guy to bring in for our defense. We're going to be even better now. Sweet..."

And then, you just get batshit crazy and you start to ramble incoherently about the impending doom that awaits the opposing teams. "We're going to fuck Chad Pennington up!!!!!"

So yeah, I just moved into the acceptance stage and I'm embracing the fact that our defense will be even better than it was the year before. It's (relatively) younger, faster and the aggression has just risen like Jay in front of Jessica Alba.

Joey Porter, Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas, Channing Crowder and Matt Roth will now bring so much heat that the sun will start to sweat. It'll be so aggressive and dominating that it will keep Tom Brady from empregnating Gisele Bundchen. Thomas Jones just requested a trade out of New York, just to avoid the massive beating that his organs will be receiving soon. See, now I'm in that "batshit crazy" zone...

The Porter signing does mean that linebacker is not a priority anymore in the draft. With 3 picks in the first 2 rounds, Miami will hope for Brady Quinn or try to get a stud receiver and an offensive lineman. Defensive back is still also an area of need but I'm sure that the fountain of awesomeness known as Cam Cameron is working hard on that as we speak.