Being A Racist Is Hard Nowadays

Continuing in the line of "Blown Coverage guest author" is the hilarious Liston from Introducing Liston. If you take things too seriously or get offended quickly, this post might not be for you. If you realize that it's just a joke and you just want to laugh your ass off...please continue reading.

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The other day I was sitting on a crowded beach and something caught my eye. I keep seeing this person slowly and seductively arise from the water and then just as slowly and submerge themself again. Over and over and over again this person did this. It looked like this:



At first I was like, "Dang, that's a friggn' sexy mermaid! How come nobody else is responding to this? Am I the only person seeing this?" Then I realized, "Aw crap, that's not a mermaid. That's not even a merman. That's water enthusiast and rockstar Lenny Kravitz." (Apparently, Lenny Kravitz loves the water. He hates swimming but he thoroughly enjoys arising out of and submerging into natural bodies of water slowly and seductively.) As I sat there watching Lenny Kravitz arise from the water over and over, each time more slowly and seductively than the last, I started to wonder; What race is Lenny Kravitz? Is he Black, White, Puerto Rican, Jewish, Mexican, what? And then I looked around the beach and realized I couldn't determine the ethnicity of about 75% of the occupancy!

That's right, 75%. Three out of every four people at that beach were racially ambiguous. And that got me thinking, it must be hard to be a racist nowadays. It used to be so easy before. All you had to do was look at someone's facial features and skin color and you automatically knew if you should hate them or not. I mean, back in the 50's it was easy because everybody looked like this:


Just looking into a crowd of people you were able to tell immediately 1. Who you wanted doing your taxes (white) 2. Who you wanted doing your landscaping (Mexican) 3. Who you wanted doing you computer upgrade (Asian) and 4. Who you did not want doing your daughter (black). Today? Forget about it. You're better off letting Mike Vick dog sit for you then trying to correctly guess someone's race. You might be wondering, why is it important to know someone's race anyway? Race is extremely important. Someone's ethnicity tells you everything you need to know about them. If you don't know what race someone is then how are you supposed to know:

• who you should trust to drive a car (white person)
• whose home loan you should authorize (white person)
• who you can get away with paying less at work than a white person (not a white person)
• who is on welfare (not a white person)
• who to pick for your basketball team (not a white person)

So I went home and racked my brain. I thought day and night on how to make racism easier for today's youth and, bam!, it hit me like an asian driver in a crowded parking lot: If you want to know what race someone is all you have to is look at their swimwear. The swimwear holds the key to their racial identity. I guarantee that I can correctly guess the ethnicity of someone just by looking at what they swim in every single time.

It's a simple identifying process that your kids will pick up very easily because only two races buy officially licensed swimwear to swim in. First up are the whites:

Accessories are the key when identifying white people. Their swimming outfit consists of four main parts.

1. Board shorts w/ white netting inside: White guys will not swim with their underwear on so they wear board shorts with a built into netting for support. The netting allows the balls to breath. It's like a minnow net, except it's for your balls.
2. A stupid cowboy hat: Every white person is a cowboy at heart so this piece is an instant giveaway.
3. A watch: Did you ever wonder why white people are never late for anything? Because they wear watches everywhere. They wear watches at work, at home, to sleep, to the beach, whatever. They always wear one. Take a look at an old school porno and I guarantee there will be a white guy going at it with a watch on. If you're white and your reading this take a second and look at your wrist. You're wearing a watch, aren't you?
4. Flip flops. (Mexicans wear chonklas, Blacks wear house shoes, and Asians wear these)
   

Next up are the asians:

Asians love to keep things simple. "The smaller the better" is the asian code, that's why they are so awesome at designing electronics. To identify a person as an asian you need to spot these three things:

1. A speedo: Only asians and those affiliated with asians wear speedos. If you see some douche with a speedo that isn't asian I can almost guarantee that he'll have one of those gay chinese symbol tattoos also.
2. Goggles: It's a little known fact outside the asian community but if an asian gets water on their eyes they will start to squirm around on the floor making strange noises and then several baby asians pop out of their backs. That's probably why their population is so high. A dam near a small town probably burst or something.
3. Dark brown nipples.

Next up are the Mexicans:

This is a picture of Mexicans getting ready to swim. I promise you will never see a Mexican in Wal-Mart buying swimwear. Never. Look at an entire Mexican family the next time you are at the beach, not one of them will have on swim trunks. Their process for preparing to swim goes:

• Get out car.
• Take off shoes, shirt, and belt.
• Roll blue jeans pant legs up.
• Swim.

Last up, of course, are the blacks. These people are the easiest to spot because they don't swim. But, Liston, what if I see a group of racially ambiguous people at the beach and I'm not sure which ones are black? That's easy. They are the ones not in the water. Here's the picture of black people swimming that I got off the internet:

That's right. There is not one picture on the entire internet of black people swimming. You could find a picture of a ferret dressed as Eddie Munster playing the banjo with his cock but you won't find one picture of black people swimming. They just don't do it.

There you have it, racism made easy. If you don't agree with this article you can email your complaints to relaxit'safuckingjoke(at)hotmail(dot)com.

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I'd like to thank Davey for giving me the opportunity to be a guest author at his site. I appreciate it and I hope I didn't disappoint. If you liked this and want to read more like it you can do so at http://www.introducingliston.blogspot.com/.

Love,

Liston