Some fantasy football tips to keep in mind

With the football season right around the corner, it's time to start preparing for what really matters and that is fantasy football. I don't know what it is about fantasy football that gets people so riled up but you can count me into that group.

Seriously, the other fantasy sports just don't have that element of making you want to assault someone like fantasy football does. That said, I'm looking to bounce back from the weekly floggings I got last season and I've made this list of pointers that I'm going to keep myself to.


1. Have some sort of strategy going into your draft.

It may sound cool to tell your buddies that you're going to "wing it" and that you have no strategy for your draft but in the end it will work out as good as having unprotected sex with Britney Spears. You will die a slow, disease infested and regretful death. Trust me on this one because I've been there.

That cocky bullshit may work in fantasy basketball because let's face it, fantasy basketball is as easy as Paris Hilton. But yeah, just try and wing your football draft. Before you know it you'll have a team that consists of Chris Redman, Brandon Lloyd, three kickers and that funny fat guy in Smokin' Aces.


2. If there are warning signs somewhere, don't talk yourself into drafting that player.

Example. "Man, Daunte Culpepper is going to be the balls this year. I don't care that his knee was destroyed and that he's probably rushing it to get back onto the field. He's going to prove everyone that's doubting him wrong and put up those numbers like he did in '04."

WRONG. And here's another example. "Arizona's offensive line sucks like a Korean hooker but Edgerrin James has a chip on his shoulder and he's going to prove that he's still an elite back. He's going to make Indy regret letting him go".

Yeah, wrong again Frodo. If you really have to work so hard to convince yourself, it's not worth it.


3. If you're going to take a running back from a platoon, make sure to have the one that's going to get the goal-line carries.

Yeah, it's lovely to have Tiki Barber putting up 160 total yards every week, but Brandon Jacobs is still the one walking away with the 2 Td's. This is also known as "the Marion Barber rule" and "the Maurice Jones-Drew rule".


4. Do not listen to Peter King.

No explanation needed here. I'll admit that I followed Peter's fantasy advice once and sadly it was the reason I missed making my league play-offs. Peter King is to fantasy football what Mike Vick and Pacman Jones are to career advice.


5. Do not trade away a proven star if you're not getting equal value in return.

Chad Johnson for Warrick Dunn and what's left of Eric Moulds is not equal value. This is known as getting fleeced and if you are dumb enough to accept this trade, then you deserve the brutal rectum pounding that you'll be getting every week.

And yes, I was dumb enough to accept this trade and I finished 6th while the other fine gentleman ran away with the league title. As you can see, you get what you deserve...


6. Do not draft someone that just made it onto the cover of "Madden".

This is also known now as pulling a "Jay". Jay was picking first overall last season and had the choice between LT and Shaun Alexander. Jay went with the Madden cover boy and his testicles have been residing in his stomach ever since. The fact that LT actually went on to set records also didn't help either.


7. If your gut tells you that your team sucks, then your team sucks.

Also something I'm guilty of plenty of times. Deep down you know that your team sucks whale testicles but you keep telling myself that it's going to turn around sooner or later. No, no it won't turn around sooner or later because you're starting Bubba Franks and James Trash. You have as much chance as Barbaro at next year's Preakness. It's time to work that free agent list...


So yes, keeping yourself to these points won't guarantee victory, but at least the bleeding will remain internal.