BlownCoverage.com

Washington Redskins Schedule – 2011 Will Be an Exciting Battle for ‘Skins

2011-09-26T13:17:00.002-04:00

Playing in the difficult to predict and very talented NFC East, it’s just about impossible to imagine what’s in store this season, though the Redskins have Washington Redskins schedule loaded with intriguing matchups that will give them opportunities to show their progress. Will they have enough to battle with some of the top teams in the NFC this year? Here are the games that will help us find out what the Redskins are made of in 2011.

Week 3, Redskins at Cowboys:

It’s always a big game when the Redskins play the Cowboys, particularly when it’s a Monday Night Football game with the whole country as an audience. Rex Grossman and the Redskins need to prove that they can hang with a very talented NFC East rival like the Cowboys, a team that would love to stand in the way of the Redskins in the NFC East.

Week 4, Redskins at Rams:

The Redskins and Rams are both teams looking to build up their franchise and find a way to have some long-term success, making for an intriguing matchup that should be pretty even. The Rams are nowhere near the doormat they were in years past, so the Redskins will have to earn if they are to pull out a win on the road.

Weed 6, Eagles at Redskins:

It’s always a show when Michael Vick and the Eagles come to town, and this one shouldn’t be any different. The Eagles are being promoted as the cream of the crop in the NFC East – if not the NFC – and the Redskins would love to steal a huge home win that can give them some major confidence heading into the middle portion of their schedule.

Week 13, Jets at Redskins:

The Redskins have a brutal final few weeks of the regular season, and it all starts with a huge home matchup with the Jets. The Jets have a loud and energetic coach in Rex Ryan who has the team buying in as a potential Super Bowl contender, giving the Redskins a perfect opportunity to help throw a wrench in the Jets’ postseason plans.

Week 14, Pats at Redskins:

After a physical game against the Jets, the Redskins will have to be able to match the finesse game of the Pats, a team known for switching it up and making it difficult for other teams to anticipate their game plan. Will the Redskins be able to stay with Tom Brady and Bill Belichick? NFL tickets to see the Pats don’t sit around for very long for a reason.

Week 15, Redskins at Giants:

No matter what the standings say, both teams will be hungry to get a win in a crucial Week 15 divisional matchup. The Giants have plenty of talent, but they’ve also been fairly inconsistent recently and the Redskins would love to walk out of the New Meadowlands with a big road win.

Week 17, Redskins at Eagles:

The schedule doesn’t get any easier once the calendar shifts to the new year. In a New Year’s Day matchup, the Redskins will once again have to find a way to slow down the fast-paced attack of the Eagles if they want to wrap up the regular season with a win.

2011-02-18T19:57:00.001-04:00

Does this thing still work?

Blowncoverage.com For Sale

2009-07-13T10:35:00.004-04:00

So yeah, we're selling this place. Since we're back in the game and moving over to Moneyline Loser, we thought it was time to part ways with Blowncoverage.com. It was a fun ride, but we're officially moving on.

The sale is happening via Sedo.com, so if you are interested, you'll have to sign up there and make your offer.

Well Well Well...

2009-07-10T17:14:00.005-04:00

So, we're back. Sort of. I stopped writing here and at Epic Carnival but you can find me again at the Phin Phanatic and also at Moneyline Loser. Basically, I'm going to be childish and awkward over at Moneyline Loser instead of over here. And it will be focused more on betting, kinda like what I did with the Rundown. Yayyyy... no one cares, much like my social life.

To celebrate, we get special appearances from iPod Kid and Ausmus Face!

Hot Damn!

Sweet indeed....

I somehow feel the need to share this...

2007-12-11T14:29:00.000-04:00

I know that no one cares about other people's fantasy teams, but I need to act like an Eric Mangini sized douche and mention this.

Remember that I said that I was going up against a team that had Tom Brady and Randy Moss on it in the first round of the play-offs? Well, I still trucked dat noob by 30 points.

Thank you. That is all...

Damn these predudice folk

2007-12-10T16:59:00.000-04:00

We make jokes sometimes that the AOL Fanhouse has the worst commentators on the interwebs because while some of the folks that comment there seem cool, others consistently show the I.Q. of a brain dead Armadillo.

I usually don't pay much attention to these guys, but this fellow commenting on the Mike Vick sentencing just made my day.

STUPID ASS WHITE FOLKS YO ASS DIDNT SAY THAT WHEN LINDSAY LOHEM GOT 84MINUTES IN JAIL OR BRITNEY STOLE LIGHTER YALL SO DAM PREDUDICE THATS ITS SO

Yeah, he actually called her Lindsay Lohem. That's just priceless.

Blatant use of the "Caps lock" button : Check.
Horrible grammar : Check.
Butchering the name of a well known actress : Check.
Not even finishing the sentence : Check.
Showing the mental capacity of a dirty wash cloth : Double check.

(image courtesy of phun.org)

Planes are fast, cars....not so much

2007-12-10T15:23:00.000-04:00

A rather bland Monday Morning Quarterback today from Peter King but as usual, he's good for a few comments that will make you want to castrate a lion...

Brett Favre flew from Green Bay to the Teterboro Airport in suburban New Jersey late last Tuesday afternoon, then was driven into New York to accept the Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year award that night.

The first 756 miles of the trip, in the air, took 105 minutes.

The last eight miles of the trip, on the ground during rush hour, took 65 minutes.

That's 432 mph on phase one of the trip, 7 mph on the second leg.

Yeah, I never would have guessed that a plane travels faster than a car. And am I the only one who's disturbed by the fact that King counts the minutes on Favre's trips??

c. Whatever happened to Matt Leinart? Has he been kidnapped?

Leinart fractured his collarbone back in October and was placed on injured reserve. That's why Kurt Warner has been getting the starts. I dunno but you'd think that SI's Senior Football Writer would know this...

f. How, exactly, will NFL Films put a highlight film together for the Miami Dolphins?

Oh fuck off...

h. You are the luckiest man on the face of the earth this morning, Brandon Jacobs. Plaxico Burress and the officials bailed you out in a big way Sunday.

I really doubt that Brandon Jacobs should be considered the luckiest person on earth this morning. There were probably a countless amount of people involved in life or death situations yesterfday who should consider themselves lucky today. Not a guy playing a game...

I have a bad feeling here

2007-12-09T15:54:00.000-04:00

So, the Steelers and Pats are just about to kick-off and I'm suddenly not so sure that the Steelers will make them sweat anymore.

David Flemming gave 33 weird reasons why the Steelers will win, Simmons picked them to cover, Peter King cursed them, Bill Cowher picked them on the CBS pregame show and we have that Anthony Smith guarantee. Just too many people jumping on this Steelers bandwagon here...

Oh, and my opponent the first round of the fantasy football play-offs has Brady and Moss on his team. Yeah, the Pats will have this one wrapped up by half time.

Update : I just want every Steeler player and coach to take turns and kick Anthony Smith in his chin. Maybe he'll keep his trap shut next time...

I might as well rename the site

2007-12-07T13:23:00.000-04:00

So, I guess I might as well rename this site "Peterkingcangosuckacockflavoredlollipop.com" because I seem to only be writing about Baby Beluga these days.

Now, what did Captain Cholesterol do this time you ask? Well, he picked Pittsburgh to beat New England but what got me were his reasons why the Steelers will win.

See, I had been saying for a few weeks now that Pitt could give New England trouble and I actually did pick Pittsburgh in my pick'em pools this week, but Peter's reasoning blew my mind.

He took simple common sense and donkey punched it...

4. Hines Ward's will to win. The dude leads the league in it.

Yes, the Steelers will win because of Hines Ward incredible amount of will and because you know, no one on the Patriots has any will to win. So according to Peter, not only does Tony Romo lead the league in smiling...but Hines Ward leads the league in "will to win".

Amazing. I actually feel dumber after reading that. I feel like my mind has regressed with big strides after reading that insanely stupid statement. Everything I have accomplished in life means nothing anymore after reading that shit.

Ah well, this obviously means that Pittsburgh has been reamed in the ass by the Peter King curse and that they probably will go winless for the rest of the season. Hines Ward will shred his knee, Big Ben will get a case of gout and Troy Polamalu will end up playing shortstop for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

The Fanhouse and Fire Joe Morgan have also had their share of fun with this and it only illustrates how ridiculous the man has become.

Remember now, he called them the Wombats

2007-12-05T12:01:00.000-04:00

The new "Rundown" is up. I stick to kicking Peter King this week as I mock his Montclair Wombats fantasy football team one more time.

Please note some of the fantasy studs that Tubby Maguire passed up in his quest for mediocrity.

Hey look, a post...

2007-12-03T13:08:00.001-04:00

Since I haven't written since last Wednesday, I'm going to do an extra long Peter King bash post today.

I'm going to combine the Monday Morning stupidity with the usual fantasy drivel he spews out on Friday for double the fun this week.

So, let's have a look at MMQB first...

Very big week for the Pats. They enter a hornet's-nest tonight in downtown Baltimore. I know it should be easy, but there's something about playing the Ravens in prime time with a pumped crowd readying for their last meaningful game of the season.

Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and Kelly Gregg will not allow a rout

I maybe wrong, but Peter said the same thing about the Ravens playing in prime time against the Steelers a few weeks ago and we all know how that ended up.

And I love the fact that just 3 guys (Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and Kelly Gregg) can somehow stop New England from running crazy. Never mind a game plan, never mind an offense would have to run ball and control the clock, never mind a total effort from the entire defense...nope, just those 3 guys can do it.

The mark of a good quarterback is one who plays poorly for three quarters -- and Eli Manning had played poorly for seven in a row -- and then comes back when all hope appears lost. Manning led New York on two late drives to keep it in the driver's seat for one of the two NFC wild-card slots.

Play 3 horrible quarters, get bailed out because the opposing offense is even more lethargic than your own.....hang on for dear life at the end and you have yourself a good quarterback according to Peter King.

Leon Washington. Joe Washington. Same guy. If you're 45 or older, you see that.

........... (mind is wandering)

Good A.J. Feeley: He directed the Eagles to 52 points against the Pats and 'Hawks the last two weeks. Bad Feeley: He threw seven interceptions in those two games.

Good A.J. Feeley never existed. It's a myth. Miami gave up valuable draft picks for Feeley a few years ago and learned this lesson the hard way. It's one of the reasons why they are 0-12 right now.

Miami's going winless.

It took you 13 weeks to realize this?

LaDainian Tomlinson is looking a lot like LaDainian Tomlinson again.

Yeah, before yesterday he looked a lot like Joan Rivers is you ask me....

When I watch the Bills, I feel like I'm watching a bunch of guys who would play football for free.

Beat an emotionally drained team by 1 point on a last second field goal (while being aided by a coaching gaffe) and you're suddenly a team that would play football for free. SI's senior football writer at his best folks...

And yeah, ask Willis McGahee if he wanted to play for free in Bufallo. Ask Nate Clements. Ask J.P. Losman if he wants to stay for free when his contract is up soon...

Where did Roddy White come from? Ten more catches yesterday in St. Louis. Nice player.

Roddy White came from the University of Alabama-Birmingham. He was a first round pick in 2005 and has already played in 44 career games. Most of us have heard of him...

The Bengals, Broncos, Chiefs and Saints signed their playoff death warrants Sunday. Yes, the same Saints I picked to play in the Super Bowl.

The Peter King curse folks, in full effect. Remember now, I called this back in June.

Things worked out for the BCS. Ohio State-LSU is the game I want to see for the marbles.

I'm pretty sure you're the only person outside of Baton Rouge and Columbus Ohio that feels like this...

Coffeenerdness: My daughter Mary Beth informs me that The Barge, the campus coffeehouse at Colgate University and her employer, has shipped out two pounds of Colgate Blend to a South Dakota man, based on my review of the black gold in a recent column. You won't regret it, sir. That's a strong, delicious cup of Green Mountain coffee.

I want to fight a diseased infested grizzly bear right now. That's how irritated I get by this shit. Fuck me in the liver, when will it ever stop???

Ever have a "Stubbs?'' No? Your life is not complete. Had one for lunch on Wednesday in Texas. It's a bacon, sausage and egg sandwich, on thick Texas toast, from the Coppell Deli, named after the former Dallas Cowboy Dan Stubbs. Well worth the $4.95, because once you've eaten this monster, you won't be hungry for three days.

Unless you're Peter King. Then you'd be hungry again after 3 hours.

Man o man, what a bag of shit that was. That was a bag of shit that was left to stew in the sun for about 2 weeks. And there are somehow still people out there that genuinely enjoy reading this stuff. Amazing really....

Ah well, let's have a look at the train wreck that is Peter King and fantasy football...

1. Be careful about expecting too much out of [Adrian] Peterson, who spent the week adjusting to playing with a knee brace. And do not bench Taylor if you've got him, because I see Brad Childress leaning toward splitting the load this week and next while Peterson gets back into good playing shape.

Actually a good call here by mister butter pants. Taylor and Peterson split the carries but as for not expecting much out of AP...how's about 15 rushes for 116 yards and 2 Td's.

2. Pick up Tennessee's defense, or play it ahead of your other defense if you have two. Simplistic to say, but the Titans' D will return with a vengeance this weekend with Albert Haynesworth back in the lineup after his strained hammy. And don't expect Ron Dayne to do much after averaging 5.0 yards a carry over the last three weeks. Haynesworth eats guys like him for bedtime snacks.

Tennesse's defense allowed 20 points and only managed 1 pick and 2 sacks. Ron Dayne on the other hand had 86 yards and a touchdown. Not exactly what I would call a bedtime snack.

5. Take a flyer on Jesse Chatman off the waiver wire if he's been dumped there. He was limited in practice this week, but the Dolphins need him to get off the schneid, and it sounds like he's going to try to give Miami 15 carries or so against an inconsistent Jets run defense.

Jesse Chatman : 11 carries, 26 yards and 1 injury. The Peter King curse is a ruthless villain.

6. No D.J. Hackett for Matt Hasselbeck and Mike Holmgren to gameplan with. So, I'd play Deion Branch and expect him to get eight catches in Philly. Games like this are why the Seahawks gave up a first-round pick for Branch.

Deion Branch : 5 catches, 40 yards, 0 times in the endzone. You heard it folks, the Seahawks gave up a first round pick for marginal production like that...

7. I'd think hard about picking up Trent Dilfer and playing him this week. He's coming off his best game in years -- a 356-yard strafing of the Cards -- and the 49ers should be able to throw it on the packing-it-in Panthers.

Did ANYONE even consider starting Dilfer this week? I had the choice between Dilfer and getting 0 points from McNabb. I went with 0 points from McNabb and it looks like that was the right thing to do.

Dilfer : 171 yards, 2 touchdowns and 4 picks. Anyone thats dumb enough to consider Dilfer should get kicked in the kneecaps by a Centaur.

8. It's going to be a painful weekend for the Redskins, taking the field so soon after the death of Sean Taylor. You always wonder how players with damaged psyches can come back and play a game so quickly. My theory is that the Bills are so beat up right now -- they lost defensive end Chris Kelsay this week, and will play their third straight game without Marshawn Lynch -- that Washington will be able to move the ball and let their inner inspiration work for them. I expect Clinton Portis, who thought of but decided against wearing Taylor's number 21 Sunday ("I can't live up to those expectations,'' he said), to play one of the best games of his life for his fallen friend.

Clinton Portis : 25 carries, 50 yards and 1 TD. Far from the best game of his life. As for Peter King and horrible football columns, we get those every single week.

Picking on Eli

2007-11-28T11:55:00.000-04:00

The new "Rundown" column is up. This week I pick on Elisha Manning and I pick on Pete Prisco (again) for telling us to not pick on Manning.

Good times for everyone..

(image courtesy of phun.org)

That didn't last long at all

2007-11-27T18:22:00.000-04:00

It only took 6 carries, but Ricky Williams is already done for the season.

Williams fumbled during last night's horror fest against Pittsburgh and got stomped on by Lawrence Timmons when Timmons was going for the fumble recovery.

So Sir Smoke-A-lot's much anticipated comeback lasted only a whopping 6 carries. With the way Miami's season has gone so far, I can't say that I'm surprised at all.

I mean, Ricky could have been struck by lightning 24 times during pre-game warm-ups while being kicked in the shins by an angry leprechaun and I still wouldn't find it strange.

By the time we hit week 14, Miami will be lining up my mother in the backfield....

Sean Taylor, dead at the age of 24

2007-11-27T07:47:00.000-04:00

I just don't have any words. Sean Taylor has died this morning from the gunshot wound he got to the leg yesterday.

Being 24 years old myself, it hits pretty hard to think how this young man lost his life. He leaves behind a girlfriend and a young daughter and I can't even imagine what his family must be going through right now.

Really not the news I wanted to wake up to....

It's been a long day

2007-11-26T23:13:00.001-04:00

Started at a new job today and as a result I couldn't post anything throughout today.

The Sean Taylor incident also has me as down as can be because he's probably my favorite non Dolphins football player. It just goes to show how fragile we are...

Either way, I'm doing the Random Observations of the Monday Night game. First half edition is up here...

Update : Second half edition is here and it's brutal

Looking for writers/contributors

2007-11-25T13:47:00.000-04:00

So, it's become obvious that I have absolutely no time to write over at the hokiesandcanes and it's time to try something new.

I'm looking for people that would want to write/contribute there so if you are a Miami fan, a Virginia Tech fan or someone that would want to write about sports in general, just drop me an email and we'll discuss the details.

So, if you're interested or know someone who is, let me know and we'll set it up.

Why Zach, why???

2007-11-23T16:11:00.000-04:00

Well, this will surely mean 0-16 now. When your middle linebacker and team leader busts out the Soulja Boy, then there's just no going back. I guess that the concussion and the car accident have affected Zach way more than we thought...

(The Big Lead, You Been Blinded)

Does he actually believe this?

2007-11-22T11:09:00.000-04:00

So, I was surfing the interwebs last night and I came across this post by Miami Herald sports columnist Armando Salguero about how the Dolphins would be in better shape if Nick Saban had stayed on board.

Salguero tried to argue that Miami, LSU, Michigan, Saban and Cam Cameron would all be in better places right now if Saban had elected to stay at Miami.

Now, I don't know if he wrote this just to have fun and to stir shit up in the comments section or if he genuinely believes the garbage that he spewed out in this post.

Here's the thing. On the one hand, Saban went 8-8 and 6-10 in his two seasons as Miami's coach and on paper it looks way better than 0-10. Saban also had a pretty good draft in '05 that brought in a bunch of starters including Ronnie Brown, who showed everyone this season that he fits into that elite back category.

If Saban stayed, the team would probably also not be winless right now. That's one way of looking at it but let's be realistic here.

Saban quit on this team after giving them his word. That's really not the guy I would want as a coach. And he would not be rebuilding right now (what this team desperately needed) and Miami would be plodding along to another 6-10 / 9-7 type season while achieving absolutely nothing.

But hey, let's see how Armando argues this one...

Nick Saban should have waited one more year, should have buckled his proverbial chin strap and stayed with the Dolphins and struggled and suffered through one more season. And if he had everyone would be better off.

Yes, I just wrote that. Everyone, Saban and Cam Cameron and the Dolphins and LSU and Michigan, would be better off for 2008.

Go on. We're waiting...

How would Saban be better off? Well, the fact is he is in deep do at Alabama now coming off back-to-back losses to Mississippi State and Louisiana-Monroe. His team is underachieving and fans once loyal to him are getting the idea the guy is something of a strange bird based on comments he made Monday.

Saban described the humbling defeat against ULM inappropriately, mentioning the 9-11 terrorist attacks and Pearl Harbor in talking about how his team must rebound like America did from a "catastrophic event.''

"Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event,'' Saban said. "It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America RELATIVE TO catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, and that was a catastrophic event.''

And this is seriously the guy you want to be leading this team right now?

And that leads me to the reason everyone would be better off if Saban had stayed. If he had stayed, and I remind you it was HIS choice to leave, Saban probably would be struggling with the Dolphins this year. But he would likely be preparing himself for a return to LSU if/when Les Miles flies the coop for Michigan.

Oh, so you want him to stay, have a pathetic 5-11 type year and then bolt to LSU. And then Miami would have to go through that entire process again of finding a new coach and implementing a new system.

I may be wrong here, but I'm really happy that Cameron came in with a rebuilding plan before another year was wasted.

Think of it. If Saban were Miami's coach, Miles would almost certainly become Michigan's coach because the folks at LSU would gladly let Miles out of his contract in order to get Saban back. And it is that contract, which has a $1.25 million buyout clause if Miles goes to Michigan, that is the only thing that might keep Miles at LSU.

If Saban went back to LSU, he would be returning to a program stocked with talent -- which Alabama was not. He'd be returning to a place where he is adored and his foibles are embraced -- which he is finding Alabama is not. He'd be going back to an open and seemingly unlimited checkbook.

So Michigan would get the coach it wants and LSU would get the coach it wants.

It sounds like LSU is willing to let Miles go to Michigan. They didn't need Saban to come back for that.

So how would that make things better for the Dolphins? As I just stated, Saban would be struggling with the Dolphins this year as any coach would. But do you think he'd be winless? His Miami teams started slow both years, but they hit a stride midway through the season. It didn't last and it didn't make them good long-term or short-term.

But they were not WINLESS. Not even close.

True, but they'd still be that same underachieving bunch, getting older and not doing anything worth remembering on the field. But hey, they would go 7-9! Long live Saban!

And I don't think they would be winless this year under Saban. And how would that be better for Miami long-term?

Well, it was clear last year that the big-name coaches the Dolphins coveted initially -- Pete Carroll and Bill Cowher -- were not ready to move or get back into coaching. Those close to Cowher believe he'll be ready to return to coaching this year. And if the Dolphins were in the market for a coach this year, following Saban's departure to LSU, I am certain they would be players in the chase for Coach Chin.

Maybe. You don't know that. So basically, you'd prefer to have another lethargic season with that same veteran group, go 6-10, have Saban bolt and cross your fingers to hopefully land Cowher.

Meanwhile, Cameron is already here and his plan is already in motion. Granted they're 0-10 and horrible right now, but you need to get really bad before you get really good. The Cowboys also went 1-15 in J.J.'s first season.

Besides, in last Sunday's game against Philly, Miami had a rookie qb, a rookie fullback, a rookie center, a rookie wide receiver, a 2nd year wide receiver, a 2nd year safety, a rookie punter and a 2nd year defensive tackle all STARTING.

That means youth. That means rebuilding. That means that this team is one or two drafts away from being a contender and having a great core of players to build around.

Furthermore, I put to you that had Saban stayed in Miami this year, held out one more inglorious season, Cam Cameron would be better off as well. If Saban had stayed, Cameron would still be in San Diego in some capacity because he had only one other head coach interview last year and Arizona didn't ask him back for a second talk.

So he would not have left San Diego. He would, worst case, be San Diego's offensive coordinator, which given the talent there is pretty attractive. And if things had played out as they did, Cameron would almost certainly have inherited the head coaching job when Marty Schottenheimer was fired.

Again, you don't know this. San Diego fired Shottenheimer after a 14-2 season. They let Cameron walk. They let Wade Phillips walk. They went out and got Norv fuckin' Turner. San Diego didn't really make the most rational of decisions there Armando...

So Camerons would be San Diego's head coach and the Dolphins would be in good position to hire a good head coach with a winning track record because they could chose between a semi-retired Cowher and an unemployed Schottenheimer as their next coach.

Alright. Fine. I'll play along. Even if Camerons (sic) became the head coach, what do you think would be more gratifying? Inheriting a loaded Chargers team and have people say that he's winning only because he took over Shottenheimer's loaded roster? (a la Phillips in Dallas and Tomlin in Pitt).

Or, take over a bad Miami team, tear it down, start to rebuild it and slowly mold a winner out of it? I think option number 2 sounds pretty good and pretty rewarding.

So to recap if Saban had stayed in Miami this year, the Dolphins might not be winless and in 2008:

Huh. We're still in 2007 Armando. And if you mean that Miami will go winless next season, then you should be giving us lottery numbers.

Saban would be coaching LSU.

Yeah, the guy who compares a loss to 9-11 and Pearl Harbor.

Cameron would be coaching San Diego.

Maybe.

And either Cowher or Schottenheimer could be coaching the Dolphins.

Maybe and maybe.

That's better all the way around, I think.

Discuss ...

Read the comments. Your readers seem to agree that this piece of garbage is the worst thing you've ever written.

The new Rundown column is up

2007-11-21T11:35:00.000-04:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

....And you can find it right here. It's about office pools, little girls giving you a thumbs up and a guy with funny hair.

I have issues. I know.

Going to try a new approach here

2007-11-20T10:47:00.000-04:00

The Orlando Magic won their fifth game in a row last night and at 10-2 have their best start in franchise history. On Sunday they also handed the Celtics their first loss of the season so you can imagine that I'm pretty happy right now.

But I'm not going to do what I did last season. Orlando got off to an 11-4 start last year and after a big win against the Jazz, I wrote this post telling people how the Magic are going to stomp on their stupid groin.

I wrote about how they would dunk on your stupid face and steal your girlfriend all while making puzzles and writing articles for Time Magazine. But yeah, I obviously jinxed the hell out of them and the rest of the season went pretty shitty.

They backed into the play-offs as an 8th seed and the Pistons made sure that their play-off run was very short. I believe that Soulja Boy learned how to "Superman dat ho" after he saw what Detroit did to Orlando in those 4 games.

After that, the off-season brought some highs and lows and I wasn't really sure how the team would respond to all of it...

The good

- Resigning Dwight Howard and Jameer Nelson.
- Getting Rashard Lewis.
- Grant Hill's massive contract came off the books.
- Brought in a good head coach in Stan Van Gundy.
- Getting Patrick Ewing to work with Dwight Howard on his post game.

The bad

- Rashard Lewis' contract might have been a bit over the top
- Their basically capped out over the next 5 years
- That entire Billy Donovan fiasco
- Didn't re-sign Darko

But through all of that, the season is off to a pretty good start but the question now becomes if they can keep it up. I'm obviously hoping for that but I'm not going to be running my mouth off anytime soon.

I'm just going to quietly sit back and watch what Van Gundy can do with this team. It scares the hell out of me that they're capped out for the next 5 years but the Eastern Conference might just be weak enough that it won't matter that much.

Coffeenerdness!?!

2007-11-19T21:18:00.000-04:00

Consider it "Peter King day" over here. I'm trying to write my "Rundown" column but Peter is just messing with my mind. Horrible, I know.

Well, these guys have the right idea though. The created a blog dedicated to nothing but Peter King mockage. Pure, awesome, mockage. That's a winner in my book folks.

So check it out and check it out often.

Yeah, let's all pick up Dwayne Wright

2007-11-19T12:51:00.000-04:00

Usually I mock Peter King's fantasy advice on Tuesday's, but he didn't mention anyone that is playing tonight, so I can just go ahead and run this now.

But before we start, I have to mention this quote from Peter again..

1. No one except maybe the '27 Yankees could beat the Patriots right now.

Personally, I think that the '96 Bulls could also beat them right now. Maybe the '01 Miami Hurricanes and the '86 Celtics. But yeah, if there's one team that can beat New England right now, it's the '27 Yankees. Good call Pete.

Either way, on to the fantasy train wreck that is Peter King...

1. Lynch still had a walking boot on his foot today, and though he's saying he thinks he may be able to play, I'd say the chances of that are slim. Looking to pick someone up? I'd say rookie Dwayne Wright is a better choice than vet Anthony Thomas. I don't like the matchup of the plodding Thomas against New England's hammering front seven.

Dwayne Wright : 1 carrie, 1 yard, 1 fumble. I mean, you can't start a fantasy advice column better than that. You really can't. And for the record, Thomas did have a better game than Wright as he got 11 carries and 31 yards.

2. Dump Rudi Johnson if he still has trade value in your league. By all measures, the best back on the Bengals now is Kenny Watson, who is gaining 1.8 yards more per carry than Johnson.

Decent call here. Watson finished with 9 carries for 45 yards while Johnson got 8 carries and only finished with 25 yards rushing.

4. Arizona offensive coordinator Maurice Carthon loves Arrington, and his touches have gone way up the last three weeks. I would look for him to get the ball in space 10 times in Cincinnati on Sunday. If you've got a flex spot open this weekend, Arrington might not be a bad pick. I could see him getting 80 yards and a touchdown.

If you actually followed this advice, I'm sure that you want to stab Peter in his chin right now.

Arrington : 1 catch for 3 yards to go along with 0 carries for 0 yards on the ground. Peter was slightly off here to say the least...

5. How can Thomas Jones not have a touchdown right now? Ridiculous. With Pittsburgh cming to town and allowing a league-low 72 rushing yards per game, there's no worse play in the league this weekend than Jones. He's got to sit.

This is the sheer power of the Peter King curse folks. Like I've said before. Take the Madden curse, let it have a violent orgy with SI Cover curse and you get something that resembles the Peter King curse.

King tells us to sit Thomas Jones and Jones promptly goes out and rushes for 117 yards on 30 carries.

Bonus points for the fact that it snapped Pittsburgh's 34 game streak of not allowing a 100-yard rusher.

6. Play Dallas Clark, who has been practicing this week and seems to be over the concussion that sidelined him against the Chargers. Trade for him if your deadline hasn't come yet. I could see him catching 12 balls against Kansas City, what with the blanketing of Reggie Wayne continuing and the wideout injuries stunting the Indy passing game.

Dallas Clark : 3 catches, 15 yards.

7. Derrick Mason's pathetic 9.0-yards-per-catch average is not all his fault, obviously. I think he'd be a good pickup this weekend if he's on the waiver wire in your league. Kyle Boller needs a wideout security blanket, he likes throwing to Mason, and the Browns -- surrendering 273 yards per game and an abominable 22 touchdowns through the air -- are coming to town for a game the Ravens must have.

Ah, finally a little redemption for Peter. Mason finished with 6 catches for 83 yards. No touchdowns though..

8. Don't trust Mason? Here's a waiver guy for you: Koren Robinson. Brett Favre loves him and went out on a limb to make sure he got back with the Packers this season after all his substance abuse problems. Coach Mike McCarthy thinks Favre sees himself in Robinson, who is working hard with more passes are coming his way each week. With Carolina averaging a putrid 1.0 sacks per game, Favre should have enough time to find Robinson a few times Sunday.

Koren Robinson : 0 catches.

Yeah, Brett Favre reaaalllly loves him.

9. Worried about the Colts offense? Don't be. All three tackles who were hurt last Sunday practiced fully on Friday, and Peyton Manning should not have the same kind of fire-drill game he endured in San Diego Sunday.

Manning : 16-32, 163 yards to go along with 0 Td's and 1 pick. As for the Colts offense, a pathetic 13 point showing at home against KC.

This was by far Peter's worst column yet. I mean, it's come to the point where you have to do the exact opposite of what he says.

The Monday Wrap-Up

2007-11-19T11:26:00.000-04:00

The Monday Wrap-up is basically what the name says. It wraps up the weekend in football on Monday Morning. Easy huh?

There isn't much left to say

(Photo by Rick Stewart/Getty Images)

Every week, I hold on to some little hope that whoever is playing the Patriots can catch some sort of lightning in a bottle or catch the Pats on a bad night and pull the upset, but every week they just abuse that poor team like Mike Vick's dogs.

Last night Buffalo stepped up to the plate. They were on a little winning streak, it was a prime time game at home and they even had an inspirational message from Kevin Everett on the big screen.

When you add those variables together, it usually ends up in a win but not against these Patriots. The game was basically over midway through the second quarter and most of us lost interest after halftime. I personally opted for violent masturbation then.

Tom Brady went 31-39, had 5 touchdown passes and 4 of those went to Randy Moss in the first half. Next week the poor Eagles will step up and take their anal pounding and that thing I said about Pittsburgh maybe upsetting them? Well, forget that please...

The funniest thing about this is that the 'Niners keep dropping to new lows every week, meaning that New England will probably end up with the 2nd overall pick in the draft. They go undefeated, they tear everyone a new asshole and they draft Darren McFadden 2nd overall in April.

I had a season in Madden once where I dominated my way to a championship and ended up drafting 2nd overall in the next draft because of a trade I pulled off the previous season. It seemed unrealistic at the time, but the Patriots are actually going to do it now.

Thanks for making me look silly Pittsburgh

(Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

So, after seeing Pittsburgh destroy Baltimore two weeks ago, I was convinced that they could possibly take down New England. The Pats had to hold on to beat Indy, who were missing some guys at the time, and the Steelers looked downright nasty against Baltimore.

But how can you take this team seriously anymore now that they lost against the Jets? The Jets belong in that Miami/San Fran/St. Louis group of horrible teams and that was a game that Pittsburgh needed to dominate.

Somehow, Thomas Jones managed to snap the Steelers 34 game streak of not allowing a 100-yard rusher and New York had Large Benjamin on his back more often than Lindsay Lohan.

Now, if a Thomas Jones/Kellen Clemens led offense can do that, while holding the Steelers to just 16 points...imagine what a Tom Brady/Randy Moss/Wes Welker/Donte Stallworth/Benjamin Watson/Laurence Maroney led offense will do to these guys.

The Steelers seem to play well when they're at home but they crap their pants uncontrollably when they hit the road. Their 3 losses have all come on the road this season and they weren't really against the cream of the crop (Arizona, Denver, The Jets). That's going to be a problem come play-off time Mike Tomlin.

The Jonathan Beck era is finally underway

(Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)

John Beck took the field the first time for the Miami Dolphins in Philadelphia, in cold, rainy conditions, facing a tough defense and without the star running back to hand the ball off to.

Considering all of the above, he did pretty well out there. Beck went 9-22 for 109 yards but he didn't turn it over and he wasn't sacked. He looked good at times and he obviously looked nervous at others.

The result was the same, a Miami loss, but yet again it was close and there was hope for a victory again midway through the fourth quarter. But hey, when you have a young team and a team that has been hit hard by injuries, you're not going to pull these games out.

More importantly, Ted Ginn had his best game as a pro and I don't think that it's a coincidence. Cleo Lemon just could not get the ball to Ginn but that Beck/Ginn combo started to show some flashes yesterday.

Ginn finished with 4 catches for 52 yards and had that great 87 yard punt return for a touchdown. He now has 2 touchdowns on the year but let's not forget about the 2 other return touchdowns that were called because of penalties.

And it looks like Jason Allen might finally be getting it. Allen has been playing pretty well since Cameron gave him the ultimatum and he produced yesterday again. Two interceptions, six tackles and hope for those of us that still think that he can be an impact player in this league.

The AFC is not really looking so great today

(Photo by Dilip Vishwanat/Getty Images)

Outside of New England, there isn't really a team right now in the AFC that is really looking very good to me.

The Colts when healthy are obviously a force, but with all these injuries, they had to fight and claw their way to a last second win at home against the Chiefs. The Chiefs, who were starting Brodie Croyle and who are without Larry Johnson. I dunno but that's a game that Indy usually dominates.

The Steelers lost to the Jets, which is about as bas as it gets and the Chargers will go nowhere if Philip Rivers keeps throwing the ball like he's doing. Rivers is making Joey Harrington look like a good option back there.

The Browns are a nice surprise but their offense is in a shoot-out every time because that defense can't stop anyone really and that's going to be a problem come play-off time.

The Titans are the exact opposite, with one of the best defenses in the league but with a passing attack that doesn't even scare Elon. When you have to struggle to get 20 points, it will make things a little hard on you.

That leaves the Jags, who had a big win against San Diego yesterday but that team is a David Garrard injury away of being irrelevant again. When Quinn Gray needs to come in every so now and then in relief duty, you are in big, big trouble.

Stupid Peter King shit

1. No one except maybe the '27 Yankees could beat the Patriots right now.

Thank you Peter.

Meh............

2007-11-18T21:47:00.000-04:00

Random observations, Redskins @ Cowboys is up at the Epic Carnival.

First half is here. Second half here.

Prisco in a nutshell

2007-11-18T13:18:00.000-04:00

Someone, anyone, tell me how this man keeps pulling in a paycheck from Sportsline.

Pete Prisco has been asking for weeks now in his Power Rankings when Miami is finally going to start John Beck. He mentioned it again last week and since the page gets updated every week, I figured I'd just put a screen shot for you. (Click to view a larger image)

They're the lone winless team now that the Rams have left them behind. When is John Beck going to play? I'll ask the question every week until he's put in the starting lineup.

So, the change has finally been made and this is Prisco's response when he made his picks for this week's games...

Leave it to the Dolphins to throw the rookie quarterback in on the road at Philadelphia. John Beck starts this week, and it won't be in a friendly spot. Look for the Eagles to blitz the heck out of him and use turnovers to lead to a route.

So, to recap. He wants Miami to start Beck and now that the move has been made, he makes it look like a bad thing.

Pete Prisco. CBS Sportsline Senior writer. Amazing...

John Beck, NFL. NFL, John Beck...

2007-11-17T22:36:00.000-04:00

As you can see, I've been lazy as hell this weekend. I'm so damn lazy that I took the laptop into bed and I'm typing this while lying down and itching my crotch.

I guess I have to say something about John Beck getting his first start tomorrow since I've been waiting for that from the moment he had been drafted.

Beck gets his first start in Philly and I'm really not surprised that the Philly fans are hoping that Jim Johnson blitzes 'till he passes out.

On the one hand, Beck has some tough games down the road. He gets his debut in Philly, against that Blitz-happy defense and I'm sure that the crowd will be as pleasant as getting sexually harassed by a mule. After that, he gets to play in prime time in Pittsburgh against the Steelers, a game that scares me probably more than the New England game.

Oh, and then there's that New England game in New England that I just mentioned, a game against the Ravens and their tough defense and the Bengals game which could be Miami's last chance for a victory. Yeah, no pressure on the kid at all..

But on the flip side, at least we get to see what he's made of. It does not get any tougher than this and it will either destroy this young man or he'll step up and become the leader that this team needs.

That said, I'm not expecting great things from him yet and even if he does perform well, it does not automatically mean he'll be great down the road. But at least we'll have some idea of what he can bring to the table and that's very important with a first overall pick coming up in April.

So yes, I'm excited for the John Beck era. Trying to keep things realistic but still pretty damn excited. Something that I haven't been able to say a lot this season...

Good observation Pete

2007-11-15T13:08:00.000-04:00

I was bored today and I went looking for some Pete Prisco stupidity over at CBS, and wouldn't you know it, he came through again.

He was asked if the Packers could win a Super Bowl while their rushing game is last in the league and his answer was odd to say the least...

Yes. There's an old adage that you have to run in December and January to win. That's not true. You have to be able to throw to score and run to win. By that, I mean throw it early and get a lead and then run it with the lead.

Pete Prisco, telling us that you have to be a pass first team to win a Super Bowl. Without really researching this, I already started to disagree with him so I decided to go look at some numbers. I went back and looked at the last 10 Super Bowls and how the participating teams had faired that season in the run game.

Now, I know you might think that a sample size of 20 teams and 10 games is a bit small, but I though it would be relevant for the era we're in right now.

1997 : Broncos over Packers

The Packers were pretty balanced in '97. Favre had a good year but so did Dorsey Levens as he also made the Pro Bowl that season. Levens finished the season with 1435 rushing yards and 7 Td's.

Team rushing ranks : 10th in attempts, 12th in yardage and 25th in touchdowns.

The Broncos ranked higher in the rush game than the pass game that season and even though Elway had a great year, it was Terrell Davis who was just going crazy.

Davis finished with 1750 rushing yards and 15 Td's.
Team rushing ranks : 6th in attempts, 4th in yardage and 5th in touchdowns.

It's no coincidence that Elway finally got a ring after Davis burst on to the scene. Elway would get his second ring in '98 and once again, it was Davis leading the way with an absolutely amazing season.

Bonus Fact : Davis' Super Bowl line : 30 carries, 157 yards, 3 Td's and the MVP award.

1998 : Broncos over Falcons.

The Falcons got a monstrous rushing season from Jamal Anderson as he finished with 1846 rushing yards and 14 Td's. Anderson carried the ball a whopping 410 times during the regular season and sadly, he wasn't the same runner after that anymore.

Team rushing ranks : 4th in attempts, 6th in yardage and 7th in touchdowns.

As for Denver, Terrell Davis had one of the all-time great rushing seasons in '98. 2008 yards, 21 touchdowns and a 5.1 average per rush
Team rushing ranks : 2nd in attempts, 2nd in yardage and 1st overall in touchdowns.

Bonus fact : Davis surpassed 100 yards rushing in the Super Bowl for the second year in a row and as a team, the Broncos had 3 rushing Td's in that game.

1999 : Rams over Titans

The Titans were led in '99 by Eddie George and his 1304 rushing yards and 9 Td's. Steve McNair also added 8 rushing touchdowns in the 11 games in which he played.
Team rushing ranks : 12th in attempts, 13th in yardage and 3rd in touchdowns.

The '99 Rams were one of the great offenses of all-time and even though they loved to pass, to could run it a little as well. Marshall Faulk was setting records and had 1381 rushing yards to go along with 7 Td's on the ground that season.
Team rushing ranks : 17th in attempts, 5th in yardage and 14th in touchdowns.

2000 : Ravens over Giants

The Giants had Kerry Collins under center and could throw the ball a little, but Tiki Barber and Ron Dayne combined for over 1700 rushing yards and 13 Td's.
Team rushing ranks : 6th in attempts, 11th in yardage and 8th in touchdowns

Should I even tell you about this Ravens team? They had one of the best defenses of all time and they ran the ball. Trent Dilfer and Tony Banks were taking snaps under center for this team so they needed everything that the defense and that running game could give them.

Jamal Lewis and Priest Holmes combined for over 1900 yards and 8 touchdowns.
Team rushing ranks : 5th in attempts, 5th in yardage and 25th in touchdowns.

Bonus fact : Jamal Lewis went for 100 yards and a touchdown in the Super Bowl. Tiki Barber was held t0 49 yards and 0 scores.

2001 : Patriots over Rams

The 2001 Rams fall into that category of pass first, but just like the '99 team, they had a pretty decent rushing attack. Faulk and Trung Candidate combined for over 1800 yards and 18 touchdowns but sadly, Mike Martz seemed to be allergic to the run at times.
Team rushing ranks : 22nd in attempts, 5th in yards and 1st in touchdowns.

Yes, I know the Pats took of with the arrival of Tom Brady, but the main receivers were Troy Brown and David Patten. The rushing game for its part was pretty effective.

Antowain Smith, Kevin Faulk, J.R. Redmond and Marc Edwards combined for 1600 yards and 14 Td's on the ground.
Team rushing ranks : 8th in attempts, 13th in yards and 7th in touchdwons.

As for the Super Bowl itself, the Pats had more rushing yards than the Rams and had a more balanced attack. Kurt Warner threw 44 passes while Faulk only got 17 carries and a lot of people will still argue that the Rams would have won if Martz ran the ball more than he did.

2002 : Bucs over Raiders.

Here we finally get a team that ranked a lot higher in the passing game than in the running game. Rich Gannon threw for a ton of yards but the running game did put up some yardage.

Charlie Garner, Tyronne Wheatly and Zack Crockett combined for over 1500 yards and 18 touchdowns on the ground.
Team rushing ranks : 24th in attempts, 19th in yardage and 5th in touchdowns.

The 2002 Bucs had a great defense but their passing game was surprisingly good as well. Brad Johnson had a solid season and the pass offense ranked a lot higher than the rushing offense.

Mike Alstott, Aaron Stecker and Michael Pittman combined for about 1400 yards and only 5 touchdowns on the ground.
Team rushing ranks : 25th in attempts, 27th in yardage and 32nd in touchdowns.

The Bucs won behind their great defense, but they had a big edge in the rushing department in the Super Bowl. Tampa finished with 150 yards rushing and 1 Td, while Oakland finished with only 19 yards and 0 scores.

2003 : Patriots over Panthers

The Panthers were a run first team this season. Their passing game was solid but they relied on defense and rushing to win.

Stephen Davis and Deshaun Foster combined for almost 1900 yards on the ground and 8 Td's.
Team rushing ranks : 3rd in attempts, 7th in yardage and 24th in touchdowns.

The Patriots did really more on the passing game in this season than their previous Super Bowl winning year. The passing offense was one of the league's best and the run game ranked more towards the bottom.

Antowain Smith, Kevin Faulk and Mike Cloud combined for about 1400 yards and 8 touchdowns.
Team rushing ranks : 12th in attempts, 27th in yardage and 25th in touchdowns.

Just like the 2002 Bucs, New England ranked better during the regular season in the pass game, but they won the rushing match-up while winning that Super Bowl. The Pats rushed 35 times for 127 yards while Carolina only ran 16 times for 92 yards.

2004 : Patriots over Eagles.

The Eagles loved to throw the ball in 2004. The passing attack ranked way higher than the rushing attack as Donovan McNabb had a phenomenal season.

Brian Westbrook and Dorsey Levens combined for about 1200 yards and 7 Td's rushing.
Team rushing ranks : 31st in attempts, 24th in yardage and 23rd in touchdowns.

As for the Pats, this was the season they brought in Corey Dillon and the shift went from pass, to run.

Tom Brady had a good year but Dillon exploded for 1635 rushing yards and 12 touchdowns.
Team rushing ranks : 5th in attempts, 7th in yardage and 8th in touchdowns.

The Pats won the Super Bowl and it should be no surprise that they won the rushing match-up as well. They ran the ball more than the Eagles, went over the 100 yard mark on the ground while Philly was held to just 45 yards.

2005 : Steelers over Seahawks.

Seattle was a very good rushing team in 2005 and relied more on the rush than the pass. Shaun Alexander had that huge year with 1880 yards and 27 touchdowns.

Team rushing ranks : 7th in attempts, 3rd in yardage and 1st in touchdowns.

The Steelers were almost just as good at rushing the ball and relied on it even more than the Seahawks in '05.

Willie Parker, Jerome Bettis, Verron Haynes and Deuce Staley combined for over 2000 yards and 17 Td's.
Team rushing ranks : 1st in attempts, 5th in yardage and 5th in touchdowns.

Bonus fact : The Steelers rushed more, had more yardage and scored 2 rushing Td's on way to their victory over the 'Hawks.

2006 : Colts over Bears

The 2006 Chicago Bears can be summed up like this. Dominate on defese, run the ball and hope that Rex Grossman doesn't mess it up.

Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson combined for over 1800 yards and 12 Td's as the Bears heavily relied on that running game.
Team rushing stats : 5th in attempts, 15th in yardage and 12th in touchdowns.

The Colts are also one of those teams that relied more on the pass, but the running game was no slouch for sure. Joseph Addai and Dominic Rhodes combined for over 1700 yards and 12 Td's and served as a nice complement to that potent Indy pass attack.

Even though Indy is one of those "pass first" teams, they still won the Super Bowl thanks to that rushing game. 42 rushes, 191 yards and 1 Td on the ground as Manning finally lifted that trophy.

Conclusion.

The '99 Rams, the '02 Bucs, the '03 Pats and the '06 Colts all won while having stronger passing games but the rushing game was at least decent or middle of the pack. The Bucs, Colts and Pats all won while also winning the Super Bowl rushing match-up.

As for other "pass first" teams. The Eagles lost in '03, the Raiders got crushed in '02, the Rams could have won in '01 had they rushed more while the '98 Vikings, '03 Colts and '04 Colts didn't even make it there.

Point is, you have to have some sort of running game to compliment that passing attack. John Elway finally won when he had Terrell David to hand off to. Manning finally won with the help of that monstrous rushing effort against Chicago. Even the Rams had Marshall Faulk who made that offense go...

The Packers are one of the best teams so far, but I can't imagine them winning a Super Bowl when their rushing attack is dead last. And for those of you that are going to argue that the other top teams also rely more on the pass, then consider the following..

Who would you rather have right now in your backfield? Maroney, Julius Jones/Marion Barber, Joseph Addai, Willie Parker, Brandon Jacobs, L.T/Michael Turner or Ryan Grant???

It's going to tough for the Pack to overcome that mister Prisco....

Don't hurt yourself mister Frank

2007-11-14T23:52:00.000-04:00

See that gentleman right there with the badly injured knee? Well, that's CNN SI writer Reuben Frank after the biggest knee jerk reaction I've seen in a long time.

Frank writes an article on why how Miami became such a bad team and he highlights all of the bad drafts, bad trades and other horrible front office moves that were made and all of it was basically right on the money.

But then Frank drops this beauty...

The Dolphins used the ninth pick in this year's draft on return specialist Ted Ginn, who they thought was the next Devin Hester. Not happening. Ginn ranks 17th in the NFL in kick return average and 20th in punt return average.

Another draft bust. Throw him on the heap.

It seems like mister Frank belongs to that group of folk that forms a definite opinion about a guy after 9 games. Usually you give a draft pick about 3 years before you really judge him but this guy judges him after NINE games.

Ginn has had 2 return touchdowns called back this season. He has 1 receiving touchdown so far but he could easily have a few more if his quarterback the past few weeks was not Cleo Lemon.

But hey, it doesn't matter. Reuben Frank decided that this guy is horse diarrhea NINE games into his rookie campaign. Seriously, this guy should be given a GM job somewhere. With such a keen eye for talent, he'll build a championship caliber team in about 3 weeks.

Which one are you?

2007-11-14T20:19:00.000-04:00

Another Wednesday, another installment of my "Rundown" column on the Epic Carnival. Today I wrote about my favorite gambling stereotypes out there.

Check it out. You might even recognize yourself somewhere in there.

Phil Jackson sounds like a fun guy

2007-11-14T19:45:00.000-04:00

Man, having no internet is horrible. I dunno, it's just working very shitty today. Kind of like when Brooks Bollinger drops back to attempt a forward pass.

Either way, I just came across this amusing story of Phil Jackson referring to Brokeback Mountain.

See, the Lakers got their asses handed to them by the Spurs last night and the Spurs basically did this by "penetrating" all night, kicking the ball out and hitting 3 pointers. Jackson then followed with what is by far my favorite quote of the year so far..

"We call this a Brokeback Mountain game, because there's so much penetration and kickouts," Jackson said. "Iba, phil jackson, shenanigans, very awkward moments, san diego chargers, t was one of those games."

I mean, the fact that a NBA coach defines a game that had a lot of penetration as a "Brokeback Mountain" game just makes my day. It really makes me wonder if they use snuff analogies when a game gets really brutal or ugly.

Jackson : "Good effort men, but unfortunately we got used out there like a one-legged maid in a cheap, German snuff movie."

Of course the league is not happy with Jackson and the Lakers have assured them that they won't make such remarks anymore. So, in the future Phil will have to use other comparisons and luckily I have a few suggestions...

- A Manning & Chesney game
- A Brady Quinn game
- An Adrian Peterson vs the San Diego Chargers game
- A Belichick & Mangini game
- An Anna Benson game
- A Chuck & Larry game

Another week, another pathetic showing

2007-11-13T12:49:00.000-04:00

Mocking Peter King's fantasy advice has become a weekly thing around here. Take a mentally challenged Platypus, have him give you some fantasy advice and it would still be better than the recycled horse dung that Peter churns out.

So, let's have a look at this week and see if Peter can break his horrible cycle...

1. If the trading deadline in your league has not passed, I'd recommend dealing for Lee Evans, and either dealing for or claiming J.P. Losman off waivers.

J.P. Losman : 12-23, 156 yards, 0 touchdowns and 1 INT
Lee Evans : 4 catches, 65 yards, 0 touchdowns

Shaky start for Peter here. Meanwhile, the Platypus recommended Marc Bulger and Torry Holt and he's now swimming around in more poon than you can imagine.

2. Speaking of Calvin Johnson, he's obviously been a non-factor for those of you who picked him high, and you're certainly right to be disappointed. But back injuries are funny things. I think he'll still give you some production. This was the first week of practice in about seven weeks where he's felt fully ready to contribute, so if you have a third wideout slot and you want to take a chance, the Lions are at Arizona. This is a trap game for Detroit. I like Arizona, but this could be the week Johnson finally looks like the first pick in the draft.

I may be mistaken here, but Calvin was the second pick in the draft, not the first. Either way, he didn't look very good out there. 3 catches, 37 yards and 0 Td's.

The Platypus went with Brian Westbrook and is still pissing pure, 100 % excellence as we speak.

3. One other piece of pre-trade-deadline advice: deal Steve Smith. Five catches in his last two weeks. A non-factor. Short stuff. If Vinny Testaverde come back, Smith will catch more, but you never can tell how long that will last because Vinny turns 44 in two weeks. If you can get a good player for Smith, pull the trigger.

This actually makes a little sense. I was going to bench Smith on Sunday but at the last minute I started him anyways and he rewarded me with a mediocre 5 catch, 61 yard performance and 0 Td's. Decent call by Peterson.

4. Lance Moore, David Patten. Pick one. And pick one up. With Drew Brees' revival, and Devery Henderson's penchant for dropping one easy catch per week, Moore and Patten will be the trusted targets down the stretch, behind Marques Colston.

Ah. He's back to sucking donkey testicles.

Lance Moore : 1 catch. 12 yards. 0 touchdowns
David Patten : 3 catches. 37 yards. 0 touchdowns.

I'm glad I didn't pick any of those guys. The Platypus on the other hand told me to with Patrick Crayton and it paid off big time..

6. Don't give up on Jay Cutler for the year. He's got some good secondaries to throw against down the stretch, and you can be sure that Mike Shanahan, with the season basically down the drain, is going to make sure he gives Cutler 200 to 240 throws in the second half of the schedule. He'll put up some very good, if inconsistent, numbers.

Cutler went 17-29 with 192 yards to go along with 1 Td and 1 pick. Consistently mediocre if you ask me.

7. Of the Colts' top four receiving weapons -- Dallas Clark, Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Anthony Gonzalez -- only Wayne practiced on Thursday. I'd anticipate that Harrison will play at San Diego as it's a grass field and he probably could have gone last week against the Patriots except that Tony Dungy wanted to preserve him for the rest of the year. Not saying I'd pick him up, but Chief-for-a-moment Craphonso Thorpe had a good week in practice.

CRAPhonse Thrope : 5 catches for 41 yards and 0 Td's. I'm pretty sure that Peter was the only person in the world who contemplated picking up CRAPhonso Thorpe. CRAPhonso Thorpe didn't even start himself on Sunday...

9. You know Dallas is going to score against the Giants. You might be surprised how it'll be done. I don't see a big day for Terrell Owens, but I do see big things for Jason Witten because Tony Romo will be chased. Half the time he's in trouble he slips the ball to his hot receiver (most often the running back) or to Witten. I see a nine-catch day for the occasionally helmetless tight end.

If by big things you mean 2 catches for 12 yards, then you are right on the money sir. Great call. And by "great" I mean that I want to light him on fire now.

10. Remember Kolby Smith? I preached about him earlier this season as a back Herman Edwards loved and said that Smith would eventually get a shot to play a decent role. Eventually might be now. Smith is the insurance policy in the event that Priest Holmes can't carry the mail for four quarters this week against Denver. And we all know he can't. Pick up Smith if you've got a roster spot empty.

This one is my favorite of them all. Kolby Smith went nuts on Sunday as he busted out 2 rushes for 2 yards. I'll repeat it again. Smith ran for a grand total of 2 yards. Way to finish the column with a bang Peter...

Tune in next week when Peter recommends Akili Smith, Ray Lucas, Charles Rogers, Pacman Jones and that fat kid from Two and a Half Men.

Reminder

2007-11-13T12:28:00.000-04:00

Last week I posted a question over at the Phin Phanatic and tomorrow I'll be putting up the answers that have been mailed to me. So, for those of you (who are interested in the Dolphins) that missed it, I'll put it here again.

The question is : Do you want Miami to trade down and acquire a bunch of picks (because they have so many holes to fill), or do you want them to stay put and take one of those “studs” at the top?

And while we’re at it, I’m interested to know which college players you guys would like to see picked. Dorsey? McFadden? Chris Long? Jake Long? Michael Oher? Brohm, Woodson, Ryan?? (in case you think that Beck might not be the real deal)

Drop me an e-mail and I'll post your answer tomorrow over at the Phanatic

The Monday Wrap-Up

2007-11-12T11:28:00.000-04:00

The Monday Wrap-up is basically what the name says. It wraps up the weekend in football on Monday Morning. Easy huh?

The Chargers have nothing to feel good about.

(AP Photo/Chris Park)

San Diego beat Indy last night and you'd suppose that they're feeling very peachy right now after beating the World Champs, but I see no reason for them to be happy.

Well, actually the defense did show up last night and that was pretty huge after Adrian Peterson rode them like Anna Benson last week. But still, this was a game where they should have embarrassed the Colts. I should be using dirty terms like tea-bagging, donkey punching and snuff right now instead of reminding you how the Chargers had to hold on for dear life.

I mentioned this during the Random Observations last night. Indy lost a very tough game against the Pats. They were mentally not over it yet. They had to go into San Diego and face a defense that was ready to bounce back and erase that woeful performance against Minnesota.

Indy was without 4 main guys on offense and lost a few more players during the game. Peyton Manning was throwing to Aaron Moorehead, Brian Fletcher and Craphonso Thorpe. The special teams unit was afwul and San Diego jumped out to a 23-0 lead. Like I said, this one should have been a brutal ass beating.

In the end, San Diego needed a Adam Vinatieri miss on a chip shot field goal to hold on. I guess that's what happens when Norv Turner is your coach. Games that should be blow outs turn into heart stoppers.

As for the Colts, I still think they're the second best team in football but you have got to wonder how their mindset is right now. Manning threw 6 picks and did not look like himself yesterday. Dungy admitted to making mistakes and the 2nd seed in the AFC is not a lock like it seemed a few weeks ago.

Cowboys, Packers and Steelers impress me some more.

(AP Photo/Bill Kostroun)

I've said before that the Cowboys are my pick in the NFC to make the Super Bowl but I still had them down for a loss yesterday against the Giants.

The Giants have been on a roll, their defense has been good, they were playing at home and had that entire "revenge" thing going for them. Yet, Dallas came out and just reminded them who wears the pants in the NFC.

The game was tied at halftime but Dallas just took over in the second half and showed New York that those red jerseys are nice if you're playing dolls and hosting tea parties, but not when you're fighting for a division title.

The one team that will challenge Dallas for that NFC looks to be Green Bay. The Packers have been winning and we all have been wondering for how long they can keep doing it without a decent run game and yesterday someone actually stepped up as Ryan Grant 119 yards and a touchdown.

After the Vikings dominated the Chargers last week, I was interested to see how Green Bay would handle them and I guess a 34-0 beating answers my question. I know that Adrian Peterson got hurt and that without him the Vikings offense has as much punch as a midget without arms, but it was still a thorough beating.

And if you had asked to me to guess which running back would finally put up good numbers against that Vikings rush defense...I would have never guessed Ryan Grant.

The Steelers for their part got all they could handle from Cleveland and came out with a huge win. Coming in to the season, I never expected a Pittsburgh-Cleveland game to be so important and so hard fought, but the Browns will punch you in the balls now so you have to be ready for that.

Even though Pittsburgh needed a last second field goal miss to survive at home, I'm still saying that they're the 3rd best team in the AFC after New England and Indy. And I'll repeat it again, don't be surprised if they give New England a very tough game when they meet up a bit down the road later this year.

Carolina, Tennessee, New Orleans, Buffalo do the exact opposite.

(AP Photo/Mike McCarn)

So, I guess we can't take the Titans serious as a play-off contender. Vince Young finally threw a touchdown pass again but turned the ball over a few times and as an offense, they still have reached 20 points in only 5 of their games so far this season.

The fact that they lost at home to a Quinn Gray led offense does not inspire much confidence either. I know they were missing Haynesworth and LaBoy on defense but still, giving up 28 points to a Quinn Gray led offense is something to be very embarrassed about. Especially when you have the league's best defense..

Speaking of embarrassing, the Panthers lost another home game. They are now 0-4 at home this season and this time they lost against the Falcons, who had Joey Harrington and Chris Redman lining up under center.

When you're losing against a combination of Joey Harrington and Chris Redman, you're probably better off just calling it a year. And yes, it looks like my "Testaverde rule" is correct...

As for New Orleans and Buffalo, both looked pretty awful yesterday as well. The Saints lost at home, giving the Rams their first win of the year and that bandwagon must be pretty empty today again.

The Bills for their part really tried to give Miami their first win of the year but my gracious Dolphins just did not want to accept it that gift.

Do we get to see John Beck now?

(Photo by Doug Benc/Getty Images)

Cam Cameron stayed with Cleo Lemon yesterday but I really can't believe that Lemon still gives this team a better shot at winning. If what Cleo showed yesterday is better than what Beck shows in practice, then I'm very scared of what the John Beck era will bring.

For most of the season, it has been the offense putting up a valiant fight and the defense taking a crap and costing Miami the game. Yesterday the roles reversed a little. The defense was like the defense of old, playing inspired, creating turnovers and making big plays and it was the offense that could not get anything going consistently.

In the end the result was the same. Penalties, mistakes and another 3 point loss. It was the 5th 3-point loss of the season and I guess you can make the argument that Miami is at least not getting blown out ever game.

And poor Ted Ginn. That was the second kick return touchdown that he has had called back this season because of a penalty. Ted is going to stab someone on special teams one of these days if this keeps up.

Ginn was also wide open yesterday in the endzone but Cleo Lemon completely ignored him and it's something that is becoming very apparent. He blows past the secondary, gets open but the quarterback just can't get him the ball. He really is having a better season than people think he's having.

Stupid shit from Peter King.

i. Brett Favre is on pace for his most accurate year and most productive year in terms of yards passing. He's 38!

Yeah, and your erection has just reached a scary and disgusting level. Like the fine folks over at Levitra always say. Contact your doctor if it lasts longer than 4 hours...

Closing out the crappy weekend with some "blogging"

2007-11-11T17:23:00.000-04:00

Wow. What a weekend. This has been tougher on my rectum than that time I had to stay overnight in a dirty, Vietnamese prison.

The Hurricanes decided to send the Orange Bowl out with one of their worst performances ever and the Dolphins are now the only winless team in the league as even St. Louis got a victory today. To say that my mood is shitty right now is an understatement...

Either way, I'll close out this putrid weekend with the Random Observations on the Colts-Chargers game tonight. You know the drill by now. It will be over at the Epic Carnival and I'll put the links here as soon as they're up.

UPDATE : First half edition is up, right here.

Another update : Second half edition is up, right here.

Phil Simms brings the hard hitting stuff

2007-11-11T13:14:00.000-04:00

CBS announcer Phil Simms on why the Browns are winning again...

I think it's because of Derek Anderson.....

Great work Phil.

It finally happened

2007-11-10T10:21:00.000-04:00

I knew that the day would eventually come where I would want to hit Bill Simmons in his kneecaps with a tire iron and his latest column basically pushes the shit right over the top.

A lot of people hate Simmons and while I could see why, I kept arguing that we would do the same things if we were in his position and I also argued that deep down we all want to build such a "blogging/writing" empire like he has done.

Well, his latest Friday Football picks column basically makes me regret that defending that I've been doing. He leaves the picks for a small little box on the side and instead of giving some insight or explanation (it is a picks column right?), he goes on to compare the Pats/Colts game to the movie Victorty (the one where POW's play a game of soccer against German Nazi soldiers) and rants on and on how the refs screwed over the Pats.

Yes, he rants on the refs after his team beat their biggest competitor and took a step closer to going undefeated. He also defends the Patriots in a manner that makes me believe that if Mike Vrabel would take out a .45 and shoot Chad Pennington in his neck, he'd write a 40,000 word article the next day saying that Pennington deserved it for having a noodle arm.

After Welker clinched the Colts game with a crucial first-down catch, he defiantly hopped up and screamed at the poor cornerback covering him, "YOU F------ SUCK!" Unquestionably, it was the defining play of the season -- not just that the Patriots converted the exact same situation that killed them last January (when they could have clinched a Super Bowl trip with one more completion on third-and-short), but that Welker displayed such arrogant disdain after finishing the Colts off.

Normally, I hate crap like that. Not this time.

Once you enter "bleep-everybody" mode, it becomes a state of mind.

Yeah, obviously I don't know how that state of mind feels like because my team couldn't even beat a squad of amputee midgets right now, but I'd like to think that I won't be this insufferable should the Dolphins ever become a dominating team.

It's alomost becoming too easy

2007-11-08T20:20:00.000-04:00

Look, seriously, I don't want to mock Peter King every single day but it's just so tempting. He just sets it up and begs me to run with it...

Coach of the year, to me, is no contest right now. For the Bills to be 4-4 after their defense has been shredded by injury (and it wasn't a great defense to begin with) and to come back after the most devastating loss of the 2007 season (the debacle against Dallas) tells me one thing about the common-sense, flat-line Dick Jauron: If I owned a team, I'd want him to coach it.

Yeah, Dick Jauron has done a good job with this Bills team and the fact that they're 4-4 is pretty amazing but it's still Dick Jauron. He has a sparkling 45-62 career record as a head coach and if he really was that great, I think he would have somehow made all of those lousy Bears/Lions/Bills teams he has coached at least a bit decent.

Ask every owner in the league to give you a list with 3 coaches that they would want for their respective teams and I really don't think that Jauron would be on any of those.

Debutting "The Rundown"

2007-11-07T16:29:00.000-04:00

Today was the first installment of my weekly gambling/wagering column that will run every Wednesday over at the Epic Carnival. I relived "The Ed Reed Game" so check that out over here.

And those of you that Miami Dolphins fans, check out this question I posted over at the Phin Phanatic. If you have an opinion on that, please mail your answer to me and I'll post them next week over there.

Greg Maddux > Everyone else

2007-11-07T13:40:00.000-04:00

I'd like to take a moment to remind everyone that Greg Maddux owns us all.

We all know that Maddux will go down as one of the greatest pitchers ever and he's probably the best I have ever seen (along with Pedro in his prime) but the man just won his record 17th Gold Glove at the age of 41.

I suppose that I'll be fat and lazy by the time I'm 41 and I'll probably have a job that will lead to an early death and kids that are a pain in the ass, but not Greg Maddux. He's just winning his usual 15 games in a season and adding Gold Gloves just because he can.

Maddux could pitch next season with a Beagle on his left hand and he'd still win that Gold Glove. He'd win a Gold Glove and the Beagle would also win one, just because he was resting comfortably on Maddux's mythical hand.

As for the other winners, there were the guys like Andruw Jones, Ichiro, Pudge and Torii Hunter who are are going to win as long as they put on a Major League uniform. There were the first time guys like Placido Polanco, Jeff Francoeur and the bearded wonder. And then there were the guys who didn't deserve it my opinion, who are Jimmy Rollins and David Wright.

I may be wrong here, but if I'm handing out a Gold Glove to a short stop in the National League after the '07 season, I'm giving it to Omar Vizquel. And if somehow Omar Vizquel was swallowed by a vortex created by Barry Bonds' enormous head, I'd give it to Troy Tulowitzki. Seriously, how can the team that led the league in fielding percentage not have 1 Gold Glove winner?

And if you tell me that David Wright played a better third base last season than Pedro Feliz, Chipper Jones or Ryan Zimmerman, then you're obviously a Mets fan. I admit that Zimmerman had one very awful game against the Braves, where I saw him botch some routine throws but I still think he had a better overall year than Wright.

That's a little bit harsh if you ask me

2007-11-06T17:58:00.001-04:00

My favorite football writer next to Paul Zimmerman is Don Banks from SI. As bad as Peter King is, Dr. Z and Don Banks more than make up for it.

Well, Banks dropped his mid-season awards today and while I agree with most of what he says, I find his pick for worst coaching hire a bit harsh.

• Best coaching hire -- Wade Phillips, Dallas -- He was lampooned as a three-time loser when Jerry Jones tabbed him to replace Bill Parcells, but who's laughing now? The Cowboys are 7-1 for the first time since 1995, when a jokester named Barry Switzer won the franchise's most recent Super Bowl title, and they have arrived at midseason as the odds-on favorite to represent the NFC in Arizona in February.

• Runner up: Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh.

• Worst coaching hire -- Cam Cameron, Miami -- The Dolphins are a train wreck, and it's certainly not all Cameron's fault. But at 0-8, you can't claim his presence has been a difference maker.

Here's the thing. Mike Tomlin is doing a great job with the Steelers and they are obviously the closest thing to Indy and New England in the AFC. Phillips is also doing a good job with the Cowboys who are still my NFC Super Bowl pick but both these men took over very good rosters.

Tomlin basically took over the same team that won the Super Bowl two years ago and they may be even better right now with the additions of Santonio Holmes, James Harrison and a more mature Ben Roethlisberger.

Phillips also took over a loaded roster and while he is a "defensive" coach, it's been the offense that has been good while the defense itself has been up and down. I may be wrong here but I think that Jason Garrett has been more important to Dallas this season than Wade Phillips.

As for Cameron being the worst hire. I understand that at 0-8 and with questionable calls like the Joey Porter signing, the Trent Green era and the Ted Ginn draft pick that people are calling for his head and blaming this entire mess on him....but most of this IS NOT HIS FAULT.

He did not draft horribly between 1998 and 2003. It's not his fault that the defense finally collapsed. It's not his fault that most of the roster has been injured. He did not knock out Trent Green. He did not shred Ronnie Brown's knee. He did not give Zach Thomas a concussion and whiplash.

He's trying to rebuild a putrid team and that takes time. And for those of you that think he should have kept Daunte Culpepper...well, Culpepper has been benched in favor of Josh McCown in Oakland and he looks to be done.

I know that at 0-8 and with a team that is flirting with being one of the worst ever, that the blame will fall on the coach but I can name one guy who for sure has done a worse job than Cameron this season considering the talent he has to work with and that is Norv Turner.

Taking a team that went 14-2 a season ago and that is supposed to be challenging for a Super Bowl and making them seemingly average is a lot worse than taking over a mess, trying to rebuild it and being 0-8 at the midway mark.

I think Charger fans will agree with me on that one.

That should do it for McNair right?

2007-11-06T12:11:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I have seen such a brutal ass-raping like the Steelers gave to the Ravens last night. Well, New England harassing Washington 52-7 two weeks ago obviously comes to mind, but this beating was different.

The Ravens pride themselves on being a tough, physical team but last night the Steelers came out and just punched them in the groin all night long. After all the hype of the Colts-Pats game, Pittsburgh just violently reminded us that they also still exist.

We all knew that is was going to be a tough game for Baltimore. No Chris McCallister. No Samari Rolle. No Todd Heap. And they were facing a Pittsburgh team that is basically unbeatable when they play on Monday Night and a team that would be especially pumped up with all those legends in attendance to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the team. But still, I don't think that anyone expected such a pounding...

This game made a few things clear for us.

1. Steve McNair is done

This should be it for Steve McNair as an NFL quarterback right? I mean, at least as a starting quarterback. Why Brian Billick still trots McNair out there is beyond me. Last night he looked slow, he looked old and that limp right arm made Chad Pennington look like Carson Palmer.

McNair's line : 13-22, 63 yards, 5 sacks and 1 pick. I don't care if Kyle Boller doesn't know the difference between a go-route and a post-route, he needs to be in there from here on out.

2. James Harrison > Joey Porter

When the Steelers decided to let Joey Porter go, it was because they were convinced that James Harrison could replace him in the lineup. Well, it looks like they were right about that.

What Harrison did last night was downright nasty. If Pittsburgh would have only had Harrison lining up on defense, they would have still won by double digits. I dunno, I have never seen a linebacker dominate a game like that, not even when I'm running up the score in Madden..

He finished with 9 tackles, 3.5 sacks, 2 forced fumbles, 1 fumble recovery and 1 interception. I don't think that Joey Porter will reach those numbers in these final 8 games combined.

3. The Steelers might make New England sweat a little

After the Pats beat Indy on Sunday, most people started thinking that 16-0 will definitely happen, including myself. But Pittsburgh still has to play New England and I'm thinking that it will be a very interesting game.

I'm not saying that the Steelers are going to win just because they pummeled a bad Ravens team last night, but I think that they will give New England a very tough game.

They can run the ball, they can keep the New England offense on the sideline and that defense will hit you in the face and force turnovers. About the only way I guess that a team could beat the Pats would be like that. Just have long, time consuming drives and force them into turnovers...

I'm not saying they will beat New England, but I wouldn't be shocked or surprised if they did.

Some cheap laughs on MNF

2007-11-05T22:29:00.000-04:00

Amusing sequence just now on Monday Night Football. Ray Lewis made a tackle on Willie Parker and did his patented Ray Lewis scream/chest bump/whatever the hell else he does.

Jaws said that he was being very animated and Kornheiser immediately added this...

"If he was any more animated, he'd be Shrek".

I dunno, it made me chuckle. Either way, on the very next play, Big Benjamin connects with Santonio Holmes and Holmes busted out the Soulja Boy and "Supermanned dat ho".

For those of you that are still wondering how you "superman" a ho....The Mighty MJD had the answer today in the Smorgasbord.

Update : Large Benjamin just threw his 4th touchdown of the first half and I officially regret trading his ass a few weeks ago.

The daily Peter King mocking

2007-11-05T13:53:00.000-04:00

When I wake up in the morning, I don't really set out to mock Peter King at every chance I get but the man makes it way too easy.

I mentioned this in the previous post, but it was so awkward and so strange that I just have to put it here again...

j. Jacoby Ellsbury might be a young Steve Nash.

Please, please explain to me what that means because I seriously can't find anything about Jacoby Ellsbury that will remind me of Steve Nash.

Either way, Peter was horrible with his fantasy advice again this week. But there's one positive about his consistent ass-sucking and that is the humor that it brings to all of us.

So yeah, here are this week's blunders, courtesy of SI's senior football writer...

1. I wrote in my picks this week that McNair has 42 touchdown passes in his last 42 games. So, uh, going into Pittsburgh, he's not a good pick this week. Do not pick him up. I'd rather take Joey Harrington this week.

By saying that McNair only has 42 Td passes in his previous 42 games already shows you how average he has been since winning the Co-MVP thing. And now McNair and that pathetic Ravens offense will go against Pittsburgh, a team that prides itself on defense and they probably will be without Todd Heap again..

I don't think that anyone is playing Steve McNair tonight with any confidence whatsoever...

3. Marvin Harrison? Law of the jungle if he plays. The Patriots will try to knock the snot out of him. Pass. Play Anthony Gonzales instead. Hey, did you know the Patriots loved Anthony Gonzales before the draft? Now the Buckeye will be the real wild card in whether the Colts can win this game.

I may be wrong here but I think that the kid is called Anthony Gonzalez. And he really sparkled yesterday with his 1 catch for 13 yards. I mean, if you're going to blow Ted Washington sized chunks with your advice, at least get the name right..

4. Tight end with the best numbers in week nine: Dallas Clark. Book it. He'll be where Peyton Manning loves to see a receiver when the touch pass rush comes -- in the slot -- and Manning will know he'll catch anything in his area code.

Dallas Clark : 2 catches, 15 yards. Not really the best numbers in week nine if you ask me. But hey, check out the tight ends that I had going yesterday. Kellen Winslow, 11 catches for 125 and Tony Gonzalez, 10 catches for 109 and a score.

7. Jay Cutler, Jay Cutler, Jay Cutler. Trade for him if you're in a two-quarterback league. He's going to put up good numbers the rest of the way, starting Sunday against the Lions.

Cutler got hurt and only managed to throw 4 passes before being replaced. The Peter King curse in full effect folks..

8. Hmmmm. I know you already took my Dallas Clark advice, but one more tight end to pick up Sunday is Owen Daniels of Houston. Sage Rosenfels is going to need a security blanket against the Oakland blitz, and Daniels will be it.

Owen Daniels : 4 catches, 41 yards. But hey, it was at least a little bit better than Dallas Clark.

9. Chris Chambers is about to be a very famous wide receiver. This is the week he starts producing big for Philip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers.

Chris Chambers : 5 catches, 59 yards and this was probably his best prediction of the bunch. Peter King is to fantasy football what I am to cooking.

The Monday Wrap-Up

2007-11-05T10:37:00.000-04:00

Like I said yesterday, I will be starting with a column-type thing every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and today will be the first installment. Since I'm lame and have the creativity of a sloth on crack, I couldn't really come up with a catchy name or title.

So yeah, I'm just going to be bland and generic and call it "the Monday Wrap-up". Even Tony Dungy thinks I'm being conservative with that name...

Apologizing to the Lions.

I'm going to start of by apologizing to the Detroit Lions. Coming into the season, the Lions were pretty confident about their team. Mike Furrey said that they would make the play-offs, Jon Kitna talked about them getting 10-12 wins and even "joked" about throwing for 5000 yards in the process.

Obviously, I didn't see how any of that was possible. And when Peter King came out and and ranked the Lions as the 13th best team before the season started, I was even more convinced that they would have another typical Detroit Lions season.

See, like I said before, if you take the Madden curse and let it have a violent, sexual orgy with the SI cover curse...you get something that resembles the Peter King curse.

But look at the Lions now. They severely molested the Broncos 44-7 yesterday and are now sitting pretty at 6-2. They could lose their remaining 8 games and finish at 6-10 and it would still be a better season than I expected.

If coming into the season you would have told me that after week 9, the Pats would be 9-0 with Tom Brady and his 33 Td passes and that Detroit would be 6-2 after beating the Broncos 44 to 7, I would have punched you in the colon. I would have probably believed the New Enlgand scenario, but the Detroit scenario would have made me fight you.

Now, I know that the Broncos are not a good football team this season and that they were without their starting quarterback and # 1 receiver, but still, I never thought I'd see the day when the Lions are laying the smack down like that.

So, I'm sorry Jon Kitna. You are the master of Halloween costumes and that 10 win prediction you made is actually looking very good right now. It serves me right that my team is still winless while you are in position to win a division title. I tip my cap sir..

The Evil Empire is beatable.

(AP Photo/The Indianapolis Star, Sam Riche)

Well, like I said in the Random Observations yesterday, the Patriots are disgustingly good. The Colts had a 20-10 lead in the 4th quarter, seemingly had the momentum and the crowd behind them and this Patriot team was just not going to be denied.

The Colts are probably the toughest team to beat when they have a lead in the 4th quarter because they can just run the ball, eat the clock and kill you with play-action when you try to come up and stop that run. But the Pats scored quick, stopped Manning and made the plays when needed. Just plain scary.

The good news though is that at least one team is capable of making them work for it. They may be disgustingly good, but the Colts came closer than any team so far this season. They hung with them 'till midway through the 4th quarter and had a chance to win up until Rosevelt Colvin came up with the Manning fumble.

And Indy did this without Marvin Harrison, without Tony Ugoh and with Anthony Gonzalez seemingly hurt on the sideline. I might be wrong but a healthy Marvin Harrison might have been the difference between the Colts winning or losing yesterday.

Indy had the right game plan of keeping the Patriots offense on the sideline by having long, time consuming drives but only getting 6 points out of those first 3 drives really hurt. But yes, that's where the receivers made the difference. While Reggie Wayne and Gonzalez couldn't make the plays, Randy Moss, Stallworth and Welker did and that's why the Pats are 9-0.

So, we can legitimately talk about the undefeated thing now and looking at New England's remaining schedule, the Steelers could be the only team with a chance of raining on their parade.

Well, we can't count out injuries or the fact that they might rest players down the road but I doubt that the evil, hooded maniac will do that.

Adrian Peterson is not human.

(Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Before Ronnie Brown got injured, he was probably the best running back at the time. Bill Belicheck called him the best offensive player he had seen so far this season, Michael David Smith called his performance against the Jets the best by a running back up to that point and Solomon Wilcots called him the closest thing to L.T.

Well, we fast forward a little and I think we have to change things around here. Right now, L.T. is the closest thing to Adrian Peterson. 30 carries, 292 yards, 2 Td's and the single game rushing record. That's pretty damn impressive when you're only midway through your rookie season.

A.P. is already over the 1000 yard mark and is threatening to break those Eric Dickerson rookie rushing records and it's even more impressive when you consider that Brad Childress had been taking it easy with him and limiting his carries.

Seriously, when you can beat the Chargers while Tarvaris Jackson and Brooks Bollinger are lining up under center all while making LaDanian Tomlinson look average, you are a damn good running back.

But hey, let me also give some credit to Bryant McKinnie and Steve Hutchinson. The way they manhandled that Chargers defensive line was the most sex I've had in a long while.

And while I'm at it, I have to give props to Cleveland.

While I'm tipping my cap to Mister Peterson and the Detroit Lions, I have to mention that the Browns are 5-3 and very much alive in the NFC North. I picked them to beat Seattle yesterday and when they actually did win, it suddenly it hit me.

We live in a world where the Lions are winning 44-7 and where the I'm picking Cleveland to beat Seattle. Wrap your mind around that. Going into week 10, the two teams that were picking 2nd and 3rd in the draft last season are 6-2 and 5-3.

Derek Anderson has balls the size of North Dakota, Braylon Edwards is entering that elite receiver zone, Kellen Winslow has his head in the right place and even Jamal Lewis is running hard.

Lewis had 4 touchdowns yesterday. That's 2 more than Shaun Alexander has all season.

Yesterday's win was so amazing that it actually made Kellen Winslow cry...

Overcome with emotion, Kellen Winslow could barely speak. For a long moment, he sat at his locker, bowed his head and reflected on a day unlike any he's exerpienced in the NFL.

This was a special win for Winslow, and the tear running down his left cheek was proof.

That's the type of season it has been folks. The Browns have a winning record and Kellen Winslow is crying out of pure joy. I would make a comparison here but I don't think anything comes close to that. Maybe Quinn Gray actually playing a decent game, but not even that is so rare..

David Carr could be the worst quarterback in football.

While David Carr was with the Texans, everyone argued that he wasn't the problem and that he could lead a team if he was surrounded with a decent offensive line and some decent talent. Hell, when the Panthers released him, I was actually hoping that Miami would pick him up...

But maybe it's time to recognize that David Carr is a horrible, horrible quarterback. I mean, the Texans are doing just fine without him as even Sage Rosenfels is leading them to wins. And when you add to that that Vinny Testaverde has played better than him in Carolina and that he might drive Steve Smith to suicide...it's not really a pretty picture.

Carr was sacked 7 times yesterday as the Panther offense did nothing against the Titans and I might have to change "the Testaverde rule" to "the David Carr rule" if this keeps up. You have to have the right arm of a raccoon when you are the worst quarterback in a group that consists of Tim Rattay, Tarvaris Jackson, Brooks Bollinger, Kelly Holcomb, Quinn Gray, Chad Pennington, Cleo Lemon, Brian Griese, Daunte Culpepper and Josh McCown.

Stupid shit from Peter King.

Courtesy of today's edition of MMQB. I just skimmed through it so I might find more horse diarrhea later but Peter did bless us with this gem...

j. Jacoby Ellsbury might be a young Steve Nash.

Amazing Peter. Just amazing....

Yeah, I made a schedule...

2007-11-04T22:43:00.000-04:00

Well, after receiving e-mails and comments from you guys, I saw that a bunch of you were in favor of having a mix of longer, column type stuff mixed in with the shorter, more humorous stuff.

So, to have some sort of structure and frequency, I've decided to do just that.

Monday, Wednesday and Friday will have a long column. The Monday edition will wrap up or have commentary on whatever might have happened in college football and the pro's that weekend. Friday will preview the games of the coming weekend and the Wednesday column might focus a bit more on the NBA or off-season baseball stuff. Just basically whatever is going on on that day.

Tuesday, Thursday and the weekend itself will have the shorter posts and will be more random.

As for the Epic Carnival, I'll keep doing the Sunday Random Football Observations and I'll be doing a "gambling column" over there every Wednesday as well. This will include some tips, bets that I would make and every so now and then I'll share some humorous/ass-raping bets I lost or won when I worked at the sports book.

And finally, in between I'll also keep dropping posts over at the Phin Phanatic whenever I feel like ranting about the Dolphins.

So yes, thanks for the input and I hope that this will have a bit more structure and frequency from now on.

* Image courtesy of www.furryfriendfashions.com

So, the Colts and Pats are playing...

2007-11-04T18:32:00.000-04:00

First half edition of Colts-Pats is up right here. Second half edition will be up when the game is over.

Update : Second half edition is here.

A little history for you

2007-11-03T23:03:00.000-04:00

I did this post yesterday over at the Epic Carnival and I opened up a bit about where I live, the sports culture down here, how I became a fan of the teams that I root for and even about the time I spent working at a sports betting company.

Check the post out over here if you're interested. And like I mentioned in the comments earlier, I'll have a definitive decision tomorrow regarding a possible new format or some sort of fixed schedule.

But, if anyone still has some comments or suggenstions...you know the drill. Mail me or drop it in the comments below.

The perfect thing for a slow Saturday

2007-11-03T13:31:00.000-04:00

One of the sites that I make sure to check out daily is the Football Outsiders. If you like great stats and analogy and break downs on strategy, then you have to read what these guys bring to the table.

They have this one feature called Every Play Counts where Michael David Smith focuses his attention on one player throughout the entire game and breaks down his performance after that. The latest installment has Smith checking out Warren Sapp and let's just say that he wasn't impressed with Sapp's play against the Titans last Sunday.

Let’s just come right out and say it: Warren Sapp is horrible against the run.

Notice I didn’t just say “bad” or “struggling” or anything like that to describe the 34-year-old Raiders defensive tackle. I said “horrible.” I don’t know who the worst offensive lineman in the NFL is, but my guess is that if you could identify that worst lineman and line him up against Sapp one-on-one on a power running play, the worst offensive lineman in the league would get the better of the match-up.

That’s my conclusion after watching Sapp on every play of the Raiders’ 13-9 loss to the Tennessee Titans on Sunday. He gets overpowered on running plays and often looks like he’s not even trying out there.

This might not surprise you because Sapp is definitely not the player anymore that he was during his Bucs days, but this becomes relevant when I remind you what Peter King said of Sapp back in August.

See, Peter named his "All-Curent" NFL team and he had Sapp as the second best defensive tackle in football right now.

Oh, this pick was the right one six years ago and not now, you say? Bull. Sapp has played as well as ever -- like a man possessed -- the last two years.

Yeah, whatever. I'll repeat again what I wrote in the post after I saw this for the first time. Coming into the 2007 football season, Cnn Si's senior NFL writer ranked Warren Sapp ahead of Kevin Williams, Albert Haynesworth, Marcus Stroud, John Henderson, Vince Wilfork, Pat Williams, Casey Hampton and I could even throw Kris Jenkins in there.

Dr. Z, a guy that actually watches tape, says that Vince Wilfork has mastered the nose tackle position in the 3-4. Peter King says that Sapp is playing as good as ever and puts him as a starter on his all-current team. See a difference there?

But hey, we can't be surprised can we. This is the same guy that ranked Mike Furrey ahead of guys like Chad Johnson, Reggie Wayne, Anquan Boldin, Hines Ward, T.O., Roy Williams and T.J. Houshmanzilly.

SI's senior writer folks. On top of his game....

A little help needed from the readers

2007-11-02T15:26:00.000-04:00

Ok, I need the help of those who read my stuff regularly over here. These days I've been struggling with which direction I want to go in. I could keep the usual format of commenting on certain news stories and just adding my point of view and humor to it....or we could go in a different direction and write column type stuff, which would be longer and maybe more like me telling a story.

So in short, do you enjoy more serious and "in depth" stuff like this or this, or shorter stuff with more humor like this or this.

Or maybe you enjoy the really stupid stuff where I show the humor of a 12 year old like this, this, this or this...

If I have a better idea of what the people here enjoy reading, it might make the process a bit easier for me. So, feel free to send me an e-mail or if that's too much work, drop it in the comments.

I really really appreciate the input.

Fun with the Googles : Delonte West edition

2007-11-01T00:46:00.000-04:00

"Fun with the Googles" is our regular look at all the filth that is being searched for on the internets. Sometimes it's tame and other times it's as dirty as a disease ridden crack whore.

Searches have been pretty boring lately but tonight people are wondering in which ethnic group to place Delonte West. The search itself is pretty funny but when you consider that these people were basically searching this at about the same time, it makes me giggle like a 4th-grader.

"Drew Henson rule" is probably some rule that says that you should commit suicide if Drew Henson is the quarterback of your team. It could also be that someone is trying to search for "Drew Henson rules" but we all know that that is definitely not the case.

"Troy Tulowitzki fuck" makes me somewhat uncomfortable because it can go in many directions. It could be that someone is angry at Troy, but it could also be that someone wants to see Troy engaging in violent, backbreaking sexual acts.

And yes, as for those of you that are still wondering in which category Delonte West belongs, please read Liston's pointers again. It really helps.

Related posts...

Fun with the Googles : NFL kick-off edition

Jockstrap moments

Chipmunks drinking coke

These are my readers, continued..

There are my readers.

Morbid Google searches.

Kitna leads the league in creativity

2007-10-31T17:33:00.000-04:00

There are plenty of great Halloween costumes out there these days, but none better than Jon Kitna and his wife, who had some fun at the expense of Detroit Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen.

If you reside under Eric Mangini's breasts, you may have not heard the story when it happened. Cullen got arrested for driving naked through a Wendy's drive through and he obviously got suspended for that and got some help to turn his life around.

The good news is that he seems to have put this behind him and here's where Jon Kitna came in so brilliantly. As you can see, he dressed up like a naked man wearing a Lions visor while his wife played the role of a Wendy's employee. I mean, Kitna deserves a Pro-Bowl appearance just for that alone.

But some people in Detroit are not very happy with this stunt and are getting on Kitna's case a little and I don't really seem to understand why. I mean, if I decide right now to go visit my local McDonald's while wearing nothing but my ball sack, I'm pretty much setting myself up for some sort of ridicule for the rest of my life. There's really no getting around it after that.

And since Kitna's a devout Christian, I'm sure he must have asked permission at least 27 times or so before he went through with this. Either way, it was awesome and I'm hoping that more guys come up with great stuff like that today.

You know, like someone on the Falcons dressing up like Clifford the Big Red Dog or some Packer dressing up like Peter King and violently humping Brett Favre's leg all night. I would pay plenty of money to see that...

My take on the Renteria trade

2007-10-30T22:54:00.000-04:00

Since it was announced yesterday that the Braves had traded Edgar Renteria to the Tigers for pitcher Jair Jurrjens and centerfield prospect Gorkys Hernandez, I've had a bunch of people ask me my opinion on the trade. They wondered if I was extra happy about it because Jurrjens is from Curacao just like me and I guess that I should give my take right now.

First of all, I think that this trade works out great for both teams. Some people will say that Atlanta got the better deal because Renteria "choked" in Boston and they assume that he'll also bomb in Detroit.

Others think that the Tigers got the steal because they're getting an All-Star shortstop that challenged for a batting title last season while only giving up two young prospects that might not pan out. The Tigers move Carlos Guillen to first, plug Renteria at short and their potent offense becomes even stronger.

Well, like I said, I think it works out good for both teams. I loved Renteria during his Atlanta days. Go back through my archives and you will see how I became giddy like a 3-year old every time he came to the plate. He was the best and most consistent hitter not named Chipper Jones on the team and obviously I will miss that.

But Renteria had a few things going against him. First, his defense was somewhere between horrible and downright painful to watch. I would joke that he had the range of a bathtub but that's actually pretty accurate. At 32 years old, he just does not have the same speed and reach anymore like a few years ago.

Secondly, this was going to be his walk year. His contract is up and I'm pretty sure that the team would not resign him after he would hit free agency. The Braves don't have the budget anymore like back in the day and they were not going to offer a 33 year old (by then) shortstop big dollars. So basically, we all saw this trade coming.

And the guy that made this happen was Yunel Escobar. Renteria went down towards the end of the season and young Yunel Escobar stepped right in and the team didn't really miss a beat offensively. Yunel is faster, younger, cheaper, plays better defense and even though he's not in the same league offensively as Renty, you can sacrifice that a little since he's surrounded by Chipper Jones, Mark Texeira, Brian McCann, Jeff Francouer and Kelly Johnson.

So, Yunel showed that he was a capable replacement and now the infield positions look to be settled. Chipper at third, Yunel at short, KJ at second and Teixeira at first. Not bad at all.

As for what we're getting in return. Jurrjens is just 21 years old and his minor league numbers must have Braves fans pretty happy. He struck out 94 guys in about 112 in AA last season and he basically made the jump from AA to the Tigers in mid season.

His 3-1 record with a 4.70 era and 11 walks in 30 big league innings might not blow you away, but I loved the composure he showed when the Tigers threw him smack in the middle of a tight division race. He pitched a great game against Cleveland to get his first win of the season and I'm pretty excited to see what he can do for the Braves.

Remember, the Braves basically missed the play-offs for the second year in a row due to awful pitching. It was good outings from Smoltz and Hudson followed by crap from the rest of the rotation and the bullpen. I would say that Jurrjens is better right now than anyone the Braves tried at the 4 spot this season. And what makes it even better is that he has room to improve.

As for Hernandez, I don't know that much about him but he's also one of the Tigers top prospects and centerfield is suddenly a position that needs to be addressed with Andruw Jones basically already out.

Hernandez is fast, can play some very good defense from what I read and has even hit for decent average at the age of 19. The only downside is that he's a few years away from being able to contribute.

But I'll say it again. The Braves got younger, got better on defense, freed up money to possibly make a run at another pitcher and basically got two top-5 prospects for a 32 year old who's on the decline and in his contract year. In my opinion, that's a pretty good deal.

(AP Photo/Rick Scuteri, file)

Levitra is not recommended for men with high blood pressure

2007-10-30T12:41:00.000-04:00

After Brett Favre heaved that pass up in overtime last night, burning Dre Bly's jockstrap and leading the Packers to a win....most of us probably wondered how massive Peter King's erection must have been at the moment.

Well, he gives us the answer today...

"Brett Favre is magic!!!" screamed Trumpy.

"I need oxygen!!!" screamed Sims.

Stupid me, I should have stayed downstairs, with the TV on. Now there's no way I could sleep for at least 15 or 20 minutes. My heart was beating a mile a minute, like I was there.

I imagine Peter sitting in his rocking chair right now, angrily applying lipstick to his mouth while he holds on to his shotgun and thinks of a way to take out Deanna Favre without it being too obvious.

Seriously, Peter is going to move in with Brett and raise Llamas on a ranch somewhere before it's all said and done.

Larry Csonka interview at the Phin Phanatic

2007-10-30T11:26:00.000-04:00

My fellow Phin Phanatic writier Brian Miller managed to get an interview with legendary Miami Dolphins Hall of Fame running back Larry Csonka. Csonka was a member of the undefeated '72 team and was idolized by many for his bruising running style.

Check the interview out here. It's a great read and mister Csonka offers some interesting stuff there.

* Picture courtesy of SI.

No, they are not better off

2007-10-29T22:21:00.000-04:00

Wilbon and Kornheiser are discussing A-Rod during halftime of the Monday Night game. Kornheiser asks if the Yankees are better off without A-Rod and Wilbon says that they are definitely better off...

Now, I know that people will say that he's a "choker" and that he disappears during the big games and that the Yanks won 4 rings before he got there....but shit on a stick, how do you even begin to replace that guy??

I'm just going to put some basic numbers over here, so not the more complicated stuff like VORP, WARP, OPS+ or EqA but the basic stuff that people will look at. Here you have his games played, HR, Rbi, Avg, OBP, Slugging and OPS...

155 / 36 / 106 /.286 /.375 /.512 / .887
162 / 48 / 130 /.321 /.421 /.610 / 1.031
154 / 35 / 121 /.290 /.392 /.523 / .915
158 / 54 / 156 /.314 /.422 /.645 / 1.067

Seriously, who are you going to bring in to replace that production?? If you say Scott Rolen, I will fistfight you. I will come to your house and punch you in the kidney.

I understand that the way A-Rod opted out has made him even more hated by everyone, especially with the amount of money that he's leaving on the table, but to say that the Yankees will be better by replacing him with Wilson Betemit is insane.

He's the best player in the game and I don't see how any team is better without him.

Again, only Peter King can cheer us up

2007-10-29T11:04:00.000-04:00

So, it was a pretty dreadful day yesterday again. You know how it went down. The Red Sox swept their way to another title on the same day that the Patriots somehow cemented themselves as this evil entity. New Enlgand has now reached that Madden level where they can score and toy with you at will and there's just no stopping it.

I never really minded the Pats, but after the camera thing, the teams that keep saying that their headsets lose communication and opponents complaining that Belichick doesn't respect the game and runs up the score...you kinda wish that Kimo von Oelhoffen would take a dive at mister Brady's knees.

So now the Pats open up as a 4 point favorite for the game against Indy. Please wrap your mind around that. Indy is the defending Super Bowl champs, they are 8-0 so far and they just beat a division leader by 24 on the road while missing one of their main weapons. And somehow them being 4-point dog seems too low even.

That's basically how good and how evil this Patriot team has become. I mean, is one city really allowed so much joy within a 1 week period? Can the baseball team sweep a second World Series title in 4 years while the football team is on its way to doing stuff you're only supposed to do in a video game? And I'm not even considering the fact that the Celtics will unveil KG and Ray Allen this week and that Boston College is # 2 in the BCS all while being led by the Heisman favorite.

So yes, everything sucks for the rest of us and I'm just going to do now what comes naturally over here. You guessed it, we're going to mock Peter King just because it's entertaining.

Peter's fantasy advice was horrible last week but it was a lot better this time around. Even though he had some bombs (Adrian Peterson, Vince Young, Osi Umenyiora), he did hit on a couple (Kevin Jones, Steven Jackson, Marc Bulger, Wes Welker).

But there was one real gem in between all of that..

9. I may regret saying this. In fact, I probably will. But Brian Griese has some confident receivers in the huddle right now in the wake of his heroic last-minute save of the Bears' season at Philadelphia last week. I can see him going off for 340 and three touchdowns against the Lions.

Brian Griese. 208 yards, 1 touchdown, 4 picks. Lions sweep the Bears this season. Great call Peterson.

Different country, same result

2007-10-28T14:27:00.000-04:00

Hey look, Jason Allen is starting. Either way, the first half is over and the Giants are leading 13-0. No surprise there obviously. Well, for those of you looking for the Random Observations, the first half edition is up right here.

Second half will be up after the game...

Update : Second half edition is right here.

More solid writing on the internets

2007-10-26T21:41:00.001-04:00

Most of us that follow sports in some capacity have certain announcers/analysts/writers that we dislike and we wonder then for what reason they're still employed after they keep churning out shit on a stick every time.

McCarver, Morgan, Buck, Prisco and Petey Pablo are a few that come to mind immediately in my case, but there's one guy out there who's consistently more horrible than everyone else and that is Jay Mohr.

See, for some reason FOX has decided to let Mohr write a running segment called "The Alternative" and why anyone thought that this would be a good idea is beyond me. Seriously, I find it hard to believe that FOX couldn't find anyone better than Mohr to vent about whatever he is venting about.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I'm better because I am definitely not any better, but the difference is that I'm not getting paid by FOX to be shitty. I'm shitty on my own blog and I guess that my readers are fine with that. But Mohr is being paid (I hope for his sake) and he's churning out stale cow vomit.

In the latest crap fest, Jay jumps all over New Enlgand sports teams (wow, that's fresh and original) and it basically loses me at the third paragraph. I dunno, I've read plenty of Boston hate these days and while all were entertaining and funny, this one felt like shaving my testicles with a cheese grater.

And if that shitty article wasn't enough, here are the "Tids and Bits"...

The WNBA's Los Angeles Sparks won the draft "lottery" this year. That's like being able to pick first at a women's basketball draft.

Ehh...I really don't see the humor in that.

Isn't it wonderful that the Miami Dolphins, the only team to ever finish a season at 16-0, have a remarkable shot at also finishing an NFL season 0-16?

Yeah, groundbreaking stuff. No one sees that coming..

I wonder what Jason Whitlock would do if I ever called Chad Johnson "Mr. Bojangles."

I would hope that Whitlock would punch you in the kidneys. And then I would hope that the real Mr. Bojangles would also punch you in the kidneys.

best of lucky
jay mohr

"Best of lucky". Wow, that's enough to elicit a beating right there. And it looks like Jay is 16-21 so far with his NFL picks this season. My 63-40 record is pretty mediocre so far but it beats 16-21. Even Nikki Cox is beating that 16-21 with her 18-19 record so far.

Solid work Jay.

The reason that the Sox are winning

2007-10-25T13:37:00.000-04:00

So, I did some research and found out why the Red Sox are winning again after years of choking on major wood. I found the answer and wrote about it over at the Epic Carnival, so check it out here. It will be worth your time.

And if you enjoy jokes about Peyton Manning and his awkwardly shaped big head, check out this post on News Groper. Any time a post contains a reference to Eli drinking toilet water, it's a winner in my book.

Update : The Live Blog is up right here.

Live Blogging that bad boy

2007-10-25T13:13:00.000-04:00

Yours truly will be live blogging Game 2 of the World Series tonight over at the Epic Carnival so be sure to check that out if you have absolutely nothing better to do with your time.

I'll be like that fine gentleman right there. Only difference is that he's rocking cool specs and an awesome haircut, two things that I can't claim. Oh, and hopefully I'll have my screen on during the process. That helps somewhat...

* Image courtesy of jimwcoleman.com

Cutting edge analysis

2007-10-24T21:33:00.000-04:00

Timothy McCarver after Kevin Youkilis scores from first base on David Ortiz's hit...

Because when the runner gets to third base, the next stop is home.

I'll just leave it at that.

Update : Joe Buck decides to top McCarver and succeeds to destroy whatever is left of my mood.

These are not your father's Colorado Rockies

Where do you even begin with this? Do you mock the man? Do you feel sorry for him? Are you angry at FOX for keeping him employed? Do you hire a sniper to take him out?

That just might be the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Another Update : Timothy regarding Troy Tulowitzki...

That young man right there knows he can play. All you have to do is watch him walk.

Yes, the way Tulowitzki walks around shows us that he knows that he can play ball. When we see Juan Pierre walk around, we see that he knows that he can't play. Yes sir, it's all in the walk.

And the Jags are flirting with the Testaverde rule

2007-10-24T14:11:00.000-04:00

When I was previewing the Jags before the season started, I basically said that it would come down to the play of whoever is lining up under center. It's obvious and I'm not really telling you anything that you don't already know, but that's just the case with this Jaguars team. We know their defense is one of the best, we know they can run the ball, but the passing game remains the question.

Well, David Garrard was doing a good job until he sprained his ankle Monday night and now the Jags are looking at the possibility of having Quinn Gray in there for four more weeks. When you're 4-2 and playing in what could be the best division in football, the last thing you need is Quinn Gray starting 4 games.

Quinn Gray basically puts the Jags close to that "Testaverde rule". The one where your team gets ruled out immediately because of its starting quarterback, regardless of how strong the other units are. Read my second half observations from Gray's Monday Night appearance against the Colts again if you are doubting this. To say that it was brutal is an understatement.

And yeah, I know that Testaverde actually led the Panthers to an improbable win over 'Zona, but let's see how good he looks from here on out. I'm not really sure that old man river can muster that up again. As for the Jags, for them to have any chance, MJD and Taylor will probably have to combine for 40 carries and that defense needs to come up with 3 to 4 turnovers a game. That's about the only way you can neutralize Gray...maybe.

And we can basically add more names of shitty qb's to the list I just mentioned in the previous post. Check out who the Jags might be turning to if things really get desperate...

Del Rio said Quinn Gray will make his first career start against the Buccaneers on Sunday. The Jaguars also planned to work out Doug Johnson, Drew Henson and Todd Bouman later Wednesday

Doug Johnson, Drew Henson and Todd Bouman. Have mercy...

* Image courtesy of Nflplayers.com

Sage Rosenfels will destroy your secondary

2007-10-24T12:00:00.000-04:00

Yeah, your eyes aren't deceiving you. That's Sage Rosenfels, lighting up the sky with his 4 TD, 290 yard passing performance against Tennessee last Sunday. This season has had some crazy moments so far, but I don't think that I ever expected to see Sage Rosenfels in Yahoo's "Hot Fantasty Quarterback" list. Sage and hot fantasy quarterback have never been linked before now.

You know, when Sage is throwing touchdowns as frequently as Byron Leftwich injures himself, you know that something is up. See, the fact that he had the third best fantasy day of any qb last week just goes to show how pathetic the quarterback position has been for most of the teams in the league.

My Epic Carnival co-writer JD pointed this out yesterday. If you tuned in to a game on this weekend, you would have seen the likes of Trent Dilfer, Tim Rattay, Byron Leftwich/Joey Harrington, Cleo Lemon, Trent Edwards, Brian Griese, Damon Huard, Tarvaris Jackson, Sage Rosenfels and Kerry Collins lining up under center.

Let's also not forget about the hurt Kurt Warner, Marc Bulger and his ribs, noodle armed Pennington, whatever is left of Matt Hasselbeck, Daunte Culpepper who is only playing because Josh McCown is hurt, the David Carr/Vinny Testaverde combo down in Carolina and probably the worst of all, Quinn Gray in relief duties on Monday Night for Jacksonville.

Wow, that is downright horrible. Right now, the only teams that can feel genuinely good about their qb position in regard to the future are New England, Indy, Dallas, Pittsburgh, the New York Giants, Cincinnati and I'll also add New Orleans and San Diego to that list for now.

I'm not adding Green bay because Favre can't go on forever (even though he might) and should he hang it up after this season, you still really don't know what Aaron Rodgers can bring to the table. But hey, I'm not even ruling out the possibility that Rodgers retires before Favre does though..

Even I get lucky every so now and then

2007-10-23T22:36:00.000-04:00

The cool guys over at the Sports Frog have this NFL Pick 'em contest going on and I'm also taking part in that bad boy. Well, so far I have been predictably bad with my picks as I continue to dwell in the cellar, but this week I had some luck.

Yeah, it looks like I went 12-2 with my picks this week. I'm not lying, check this post right here. It will confirm it. I know that it's only picking straight up winners and that a blind ostrich could stand there and randomly pick NFL winners...but my life is bland and this is my biggest achievement in months.

The funny thing is that even here I fucked up. The only 2 games I had wrong were picking Baltimore and Philly but I was convinced that Chicago would win. I somehow clicked Philly, which definitely was not the intention, submitted it and didn't even notice until now. Fuck me in the armpits.

Look, it's Vinny Testaverde

2007-10-22T21:42:00.000-04:00

Like I said earlier, I'll be doing the Random Observations on the Colts and Jags tonight. As is the case lately, they will be over at the Epic Carnival and I'll post the links as soon as they're up.

Update : And here's the first half edition

Another Update : Second half edition is right here.

* Image courtesy of Phun.org

Holding Peter King accountable for horrible fantasy advice

2007-10-22T13:56:00.000-04:00

I may be depressed as shit right now but there's one thing that can cheer me up a little and that is ridiculing Peter King's week 7 fantasy football tips.

So yeah, let's see how Peterson's great predictions played out this weekend...

Need a quarterback with the bye season in full swing? You'll hate me for saying this, but pick up Byron Leftwich. That starts my fantasy advice for the weekend.

The 10 weekly wise man's tips:

1. Why Leftwich? Simple. New Orleans isn't rushing the passer well, Leftwich is playing for his future and is supremely motivated, and he's been throwing the ball superbly in practice. That and $4.50 will buy you a triple latte, but he's going to be firing the pill all over the Superdome, and I like his chance to pass for 250 yards ... especially with Joe Horn returning to New Orleans, aiming to gain about 1,000 yards.

People hate you enough already without you telling them to pick up Leftwich. And for those that followed that advice, they probably hate you even more right now. Leftwich was actually putting up some decent numbers (15-23, 145, 1 TD) but since he's as durable as a butterfly, he left injured...yet again.

As for Joe Horn and his "aim" for 1000 yards, he finished with 3 catches for a whopping 25 yards.

2. I have said it all week: Do not bench Vince Young. He won't be in great shape, but it will take an amputation for him not to play at Houston on Sunday.

Read that again and the stupidity sink in thoroughly. I guess that Jeff Fischer must have amputated some part of Vince's anatomy then because he sure wasn't leading the Titans to a win yesterday.

4. Don't look for Michael Pittman to return until Nov. 18, after the Bucs' bye week. That means you should run, not walk, to pick up Michael Bennett, if the dolts in your league have left him on the waiver wire this long. Bennett's going to get the ball a lot, starting Sunday in Detroit.

Michael Bennett. 3 carries. 22 yards. 0 Td's. Who's the dolt now...

6. I've never been a big Chris Chambers fan, because I think he should play better than he's played. Having said that, the change in environment, from a loser to a winner, is going to change this kid's life -- as will being surrounded by players who are better than he is. Challenge is a wonderful thing, sometimes.

Yeah, may be nice and all but let's remember that Chambers has no value in week 7 as the Chargers are on their bye week.

8. I'd love to tell you to play all of your Redskins this weekend with Arizona in town, but I can't -- not with an offensive line that has to be scotch-taped together to make it through a game. Play Jason Campbell if you must, because he's coming on like gangbusters. (How, exactly, do "gangbusters'' come on?) Sit the rest of your 'Skins.

I played my 'Skin Clinton Portis and even though he only ran for 43 yards, he did get me 2 Td's. As for Campbell, he went 12 for 18 for 95 yards with 0 Td's and 1 pick. Gangbusters indeed...

9. Got Thomas Jones? You will be thrilled to death Sunday night. In fact, with Cincinnati and Buffalo on the schedule the next two weeks, and the Jets in QB-protection mode, this is the time to trade for Jones.

Yeah, those Thomas Jones owners sure must've have been thrilled to death Sunday night with 67 rushing yards and 0 Td's. Hold on while I go trade for Jones because he's clearly tearing up these weak ass defenses.

Tune in next week as Peter tells us to trade for Marc Bulger, Deuce McCallister, the Tennessee Titans mascot and Eric Mangini's soiled bra.

And there goes my lunch

2007-10-22T13:24:00.000-04:00

You're 0-7. It's the worst start in franchise history. You just got ass-raped by the best team in the league. And now your best player and only bright spot on the team is lost for the season.

And with that, the chance for 0-16 has increased dramatically in the past few minutes. I don't need to tell you what a big blow this is because everyone was seeing the type of season that Ronnie was having. It was the break-out season that everyone was waiting for. Leading the league in all-purpose yards, being compared to L.T and he was definitely on his way to a Pro-Bowl but it's over just like that.

Fuck the Patriots once again. Fuck them in the nose.

* Image courtesy of C.W. GRIFFIN / MIAMI HERALD STAFF

Yeah, I'm still alive...

2007-10-22T11:55:00.000-04:00

There's something about your team being down 42-7 at halftime and the words "worst start in franchise history" that just sucks the energy right out of you. Fuck that game. Fuck that game with a broom stick. I'm just going to be blissfully ignorant and pretend like Tom Brady does not exist right now.

I'm still not really in the mood to write right now, but hopefully it will slowly come back. I might do the Jacksonville-Indy game tonight since there weren't any Random Observations yesterday so we'll see what happens with that.

I guess the only people feeling worse than me right now are the ones that follow Cleveland sports. The Buckeyes losing twice to Florida in championship games last season, the Cavs getting swept by San Antonio in the NBA Finals and now the Indians blowing a 3-1 ALCS lead. But hey, at least they made it to championship games....and that is sadly way more than any of my teams can say right now.

But fuck that. And fuck the next Simmons column where he gets to gloat and have painful erections while basking in Red Sox and Patriots glory.

That's top-notch stuff right there

2007-10-19T13:52:00.000-04:00

If you visit Espn's website regularly, which you probably do, you will have noticed those "featured comments" that they run over there.

They take a comment from some story or article and "feature" it on the front page and it's basically the equivalent of a brain dead squirrel. It really works on my fuckin' nerves actually.

For example, here's today's feature comment courtesy of someone that calls himself afreeman23...

The Mavs have enough to make it to the Western Conference finals.

Wow. Awesome. Thank you Espn. Where would I be without afreeman23 telling me that the Dallas Mavericks have enough to make it to the Western Conference finals. They were only the Western Conference champs in '05-'06 and a big favorite again last season as they won 67!!! games in the regular season.

But hey, thanks for showing us the light here.

It's all Wannstedt's fault

2007-10-18T22:43:00.000-04:00

Those of you that enjoy reading the Dolphins stuff I write over here, be sure to check out the Phin Phanatic also if you are not doing that already.

These are the posts I have done so far over there. They are obviously a bit more serious and different from the ranting I do over here. Be sure to read Brian Miller's stuff also as he does great work over there every day.

A Dave Wannstedt Picture You Need to See

Please Folks, Let’s Be Patient With The Front Office…

Dolphins at Browns : Will This Be The First Win?

I’m Happy That Derek Anderson Will Be Starting on Sunday

Trent Green Shows What He’s Made Of

Thomas and Crowder Expected Back, Need to Make Impact

Ronnie Brown Gets His Due From the Football Outsiders

There’s a New Face in Town

Damn that guy

2007-10-18T21:17:00.000-04:00

I have issues. I know that. The reason I say that is because I do weird shit like keeping lists of people that I hate and want to beat with a baseball bat. You can ask those who know me and they'll confirm that and they'll also confirm that my mind is a disturbing place.

So, there are obviously plenty of athletes that fall into the category of people that I want to bludgeon with a brick and the guy pictured above (Abel Xavier, a soccer player) is one of them. I've hated that douche since the first time I saw him and that is based purely on his ridiculous hair and beard colors.

Abel Xavier could spend his days helping poor children get an education and helping old ladies cross the street all while solving world hunger and stopping the war....but I'd still shoot him in the ear if I see him walking down the street. If you walk around looking like that, you need to be punished somehow.

Either way, SI has a gallery up with the best dressed athletes and Xavier is somehow one of them. Yeah, I know his threads are snazzy but the hair, the beard and the douchebag peace sign take away any points he has accumulated so far. Seriously, fuck that guy. Fuck him in the kneecap.

* Image courtesy of the SI gallery

Nope, it doesn't matter at all

2007-10-17T20:31:00.000-04:00

Dolphin's writer Armando Salguero on the fallout of the Chris Chambers trade....

I don't give a hoot about what it means for Ted Ginn Jr. and Derek Hagan. And I don't really care about what it means about the rest of this season.

I only care about what happens with that second round pick. Nothing more.

Nope, it's absolutely not important for a receiver that was picked in the 3rd round last season and the other first round (9th overall) receiver to be getting any additional playing time now.

I get that this trade won't mean anything if Miami uses the 2nd round pick on a humming bird next April, but to say that you don't care what happens to Ginn and Hagan is beyond me. These guys are the future starting receivers on this team (or they should be at least), so if they're moving up the depth chart now and getting more time on the field....well that's pretty important if you ask me.

But it doesn't matter folks. It doesn't matter if Ginn starts the remaining 10 games and earns a Pro-Bowl trip as a result after catching 12 Td's and returning 5 more on kick-offs and punts. The 2nd round pick is the only thing that matters here....

Look at that guy

2007-10-16T17:43:00.000-04:00

If someone would have told me back in April that the Rockies would come out of nowhere, win the N.L. Wild Card and sweep their way into the World Series while winning 21 out of their last 22....I would have kicked that person in the teeth.

The Rockies are usually just that team that sits there and really doesn't do anything. They're not really bad, but they're usually not very good either. They'll show up, have 3 to 4 guys that put up nice offensive numbers and fuel us with plenty of jokes when it comes to the pitching staff. Pretty tame, but then this happened.

If you tell me that you had any idea that this would happen, you're either a blatant liar or you need to be giving me lottery numbers. Either way, this Rockies run is one of the most bizarre and most amazing things I've ever seen while following sports.

I don't follow the Rockies much, I'll admit that. Matt Holliday is probably my favorite player that's not on the Atlanta Braves and I have been following his career for a while now. This is what I've said about Holliday after the home-run derby a few months ago...

Personally, I was rooting for Matt Holliday who I probably have some sort of man-crush on. I've said it before, I'd spoon with a disease infested Grizzly Bear if it meant getting Holliday on the Braves.

So yes, you can imagine that I'm genuinely happy for him that he won the NLCS MVP and even though I don't follow this team a lot, I'm genuinely happy for them as a group as well. They just seem like good guys to root for and I guess that a lot of people wouldn't mind seeing them win it all right now.

But speaking of awesome, just look at that mascot right there. He's probably the coolest mascot I've ever seen and I would rank him even higher than this guy.

I mean, he's got so many things going in his favor. He's a dinosaur, which is already pretty bossy...he's purple, he wears kick ass sneakers and his body seems to be covered with colorful M&M type candy. How is that not the coolest thing you'll see all day?

(Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

I have no idea what's going on in that picture

2007-10-16T17:23:00.000-04:00

You'll find some crazy shit when you Google "drunk". Speaking of being drunk, check out what this Baylor assistant football coach did after his team got face raped by Kansas. It includes his genitals and a tavern bar....

* Image courtesy of All4humor

And there goes Chambers

2007-10-16T15:14:00.001-04:00

Thanks to Shorty for the heads up on this one. Espn is reporting that Miami has traded Chris Chambers to the San Diego Chargers but terms of the deal aren't known yet.

So if you're keeping track, Miami has now unloaded its top 3 (Chambers, Wes Welker, Randy McMichael) receivers going back to last season. People will criticize that and even though it looks dumb on the surface, I'm going to give Cam Cameron and his regime time to put their plan in place. You don't turn a team around overnight, so give these guys time before we start calling them out on some of these decisions.

I liked the fact that they were cleaning house and starting over and I'm going to stick with that mentality. And this is what I hinted at after Chambers was got his DWI back in July. Being a veteran doesn't make your job safe with Cameron, as he has been overhauling this roster since he's been hired.

Either way, I think it's a trade that will help both teams. The Chargers get a valid # 1 receiver to go along with Tomlinson and Gates. Chambers gets to play on a contender and Miami gets what it desperately needs and that is draft picks.

Besides, this might even lead to more playing time for Ted Ginn..something that will also go along way in his development as the next # 1 receiver on this team.

Gross...

2007-10-15T13:23:00.000-04:00

Our good friend Peter King showing mid-season form in today's edition of MMQB..

b. Thanks for returning to baseball for a couple of weeks, Joe Buck. Missed you.

First of all. That's fucking gross. Secondly, how can anyone ever miss Joe Buck. Missing Joe Buck is like missing a terminal illness. I just don't see how that works.

Tune in next week when Peter misses Communism, the Black Plague, cell phones that look like this, dial-up internet, black and white television sets, the NHL and that John Mellencamp commercial that drives us all closer to suicide every time it airs.

Wouldn't it be fitting?

2007-10-14T22:15:00.000-04:00

After the Raiders burned us like the diarrhea in Derrick Mason's colon, I basically started to prepare myself mentally that these Dolphins could go winless this year. Miami has now finished the "easy" part of the schedule and since they're 0-6, the chance of going winless has improved dramatically, much like the size of Eric Mangini's breasts.

Well, SI's Don Banks has also noticed this and Banks also sees 0-16 as a very possible outcome. And on NBC, Chris Collinsworth was talking about how great the Patriots have been and how they could possibly run the table and take bragging rights away from the '72 Dolphins and that basically sets up a very gut-raping scenario.

The Pats beat Indy November 4th and keep playing at this mind blowing level all the way to an undefeated season. The Dolphins fail to win the only "winnable" remaining games on their schedule (at home against Buffalo and the Jets) and finish winless. The '72 Dolphins get company in the record books while the 2007 Dolphins become the worst team in NFL history. Oh man, fuck me in the liver...

I know that the season still has a long way to go and that a lot can still happen. I also know that the odds of a team going winless and a team going undefeated are very small and that the possibility of both happening in the same season is about as big as finding any humor in Dane Cook's stand up routine...but still. The chance is there and it's the type of irony that could make me give up on sports forever.

Either way, things have come so far that the Browns are raping us in the eye. I could sit here and say that 3 of the losses have come by a field goal and that we're a few bounces away from being 3-3...but the reality is that we're 0-6. Excuses are pathetic and for douchebags like Eric Mangini. Fuck Eric Mangini.

Speaking of pathetic, nice of our defense to take the week off again. Don't worry fellas, Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow don't need to be covered. Covering players are for teams that actually care about winning. And no, don't tackle the third string running back either. Tackling is gay..

The only bright spot remains Ronnie Brown. Brown continues to kick ass and watching him run is pure joy. One of the CBS announcers said that Brown is as close as there is to L.T. right now and I have to agree. The way he abused those Cleveland defenders was a thing of beauty.

Well, 0-6 is in the books. Next week the Patriots come to Miami and they will have a chance to actually score 100 points. I'm convinced that New England could put 100 on us if they wanted to. I seriously can't wait to see what line Vegas will put up on that one...

(AP Photo/Tony Dejak)

Yes yes, here it is

2007-10-14T18:16:00.000-04:00

The first half observations of the Cowboys - Patriots game is up right here. You know the drill, the second half edition will be up as soon as the game is over.

Update : And here's the second half edition...

What can I say...

2007-10-14T15:58:00.000-04:00

Another pathetic loss, this time a swift donkey punch from Cleveland. I'm still legitimately concerned about 0-16 but I'm too depressed to write about it right now. We get the Patriots next week and I see no reason why New England shouldn't be favored by at least 25.

Speaking of New England, I'll be doing the Random Observations over at the Epic Carnival now and I guess that'll write more about this game later.

(AP Photo/Tony Dejak)

Another one goes down

2007-10-14T00:46:00.000-04:00

Shit on a stick, college football just keeps getting crazier. Well, when the season starts with Appalachian State going into Michigan and punching them in the scrotum, I guess anything goes after that.

Two weeks ago we had an insane weekend where most of the top 10 went down. Last week there was the epic Florida-LSU game which in my opinion was the game of the year so far considering the circumstances. Well, shit got even crazier today when LSU went down at Kentucky.

The Florida-LSU game showed that LSU was beatable and this game certainly had the makings of an upset. Kentucky coming off of a tough loss and having 2 extra days to prepare. LSU coming off of a huge, emotional win against the defending champs and going into a game that had letdown written all over it.

Even so, I guess most of us still had LSU penciled in for another win. Either way, this was awesome. Kentucky, relevant suddenly in college football with their Heisman quarterback beating the clear favorites for the national title in triple overtime. Wow, fuck me in the kidneys.

Cal had a chance to move into the # 1 ranking, but it shouldn't surprise us that they stumbled against Oregon State. It's really been that type of season. Ohio State is the team that is sitting pretty right now but lets see if they can keep it up.

Brian Billick does not beat around the bush

2007-10-13T14:14:00.000-04:00

If you can remember, Manny Ramirez missed a game a few months ago because he was suffering from "intestinal turmoil". At the time, I praised Terry Francona for his ability to use such refined language because most of us would have just gone with "violent, ass destroying diarrhea" instead.

Well, Ravens wide receiver Derrick Mason is the latest player to get a case of the shits, only his coach doesn't really sugar coat it like Francona did...

Wide receiver Derrick Mason sat out with an unusual ailment, according to [Head Coach Brian] Billick.

“He’s got - as Tess [trainer Bill Tessendorf] says - gastroenteritis,” Billick said. “In my neighborhood, that’s [diarrhea]. So you put whatever label you want to.”

I choose the add the label of "colon ripping diarrhea", something that the young gentleman pictured above is experiencing for sure. That's the kind of diarrhea that makes you pray for sweet death because the agony is too much for your sphincter to handle.

* Kudos to Larry Brown for this great find.

Not again...

2007-10-11T18:54:00.000-04:00

I like Jason Whitlock. I really do. He's one of the best sports journalists out there, he speaks his mind, he always brings great stuff to the table but there's one topic that I can't really agree on with the big guy and that is Jeff George...

Last year the Raiders decided that it would be a good idea to give Jeff George a try and Whitlock absolutely loved it. Whitlock followed that by writing an article praising George and in the end it was just weird and awkward, much like my puberty. Seriously, that was one of the strangest things I have ever read.

Well, now that the Panthers were dumb enough to sign 97-year old Vinny Testaverde a few days ago, Jason felt the need to argue on George's behalf again...

6. Vinny Testaverde can sneak back into the league at age 43, but my boy Jeff George can't get a look at 39.
That ain't right.
Jeff George's arm is still stronger and more accurate than all but a handful of NFL quarterbacks. He's in great shape. He still throws. He still wants to play. He's not a threat to mankind.
Look, the dude made some mistakes during his career. But he doesn't deserve a lifetime ban.

See, here's the thing. Testaverde shouldn't even be given a chance to "sneak back" into the league. Carolina's signing of Testaverde doesn't make it acceptable for other teams to pull this shit. Turning to George or Testaverde basically eliminates you from contention immediately, something I mentioned earlier today.

Whitlock keeps arguing that George's arm is stronger and more accurate than mostly everyone that's playing quarterback right now but I'm not too sure about that. I mean, if George is really that super awesome, he'd be starting somewhere right now.

In Atlanta, they're going back and forth between Joey Harrington and Byron Leftwich. Minnesota's probably better off by placing a dead raccoon under center. Cleveland traded its opening day starter after the first game. Miami relied on a comatose Trent Green for the first 4 weeks. Seriously, if George was that amazing, one of these teams would have had him starting right now.

And remember this, George got cut from the Raiders last season. A team on its way to the worst record in the league and the first overall pick (which they used on a qb). George failed to impress while surrounded by Aaron Brooks, Andrew Walter and Josh McCown. Not exactly Marino, Elway and Aikman if you ask me.

So yes, I think that that shows us that Jeffrey ain't so spiffy with the forward pass anymore.

The Carolina Panthers are officially done

2007-10-11T13:20:00.000-04:00

I originally did this post for the Epic Carnival, but I decided to drop it here as well. Yeah, it's my blog and I'll do whatever the hell I want.

After the Carolina Panthers had signed 83-year old Vinny Testaverde a few days ago, it spawned a new rule which I now like to call "the Testaverde Rule".

See, the Testaverde Rule is simple. It immediately eliminates any any team which has a quarterback depth chart that wouldn't even scare a team of amputee midgets.

With Jake Delhomme done for the year, the Panthers now a have a qb depth chart that includes a gimpy David Carr, Matt Moore (an undrafted rookie) and Testaverde, a guy that is so damn old that he won the Heisman the same year that his teammate Dwayne Jarrett was born. Wrap your mind around that if you can.

So basically, the Panthers are done. I don't care what your record is, how your schedule looks like or how good the other players are on your team. When this is your depth at quarterback, you are done my friend. Carolina could have the 2000 Ravens on defense and the '99 Rams at the other positions on offense...but if Vinny is back there under center, you might as well call it a day.

But besides the Panthers, there are other teams that we can also apply the "Testaverde Rule" to. Minnesota (Tarvaris Jackson, Kelly Holcomb, Brooks Bollinger), Atlanta (Harrington, Leftwich, Chris Redman) and Miami (Trent Green's corpse, some guy called Cleo Lemon, rookie John Beck) immediately come to mind.

San Francisco (an injured Alex Smith, what's left of Trent Dilfer and Shaun Hill) and Kansas City (Damon Huard, Brodie Croyle, Tyler Thigpen) are also closely hovering around that Testaverde zone.

Seriously, if you are a Panthers fan, how can this AP article not make you stab yourself in the colon...

Vinny Testaverde won the Heisman Trophy the same year his new Carolina teammate Dwayne Jarrett was born. He was the No. 1 overall pick eight years before the Panthers entered the NFL.

He's thrown more passes than have been thrown in Carolina's history. He's also nearly four years older than his offensive coordinator.

Yet the soon-to-be 44-year-old Testaverde -- the man nicknamed "Dad" by his new teammates -- could start Sunday for the banged-up Panthers at Arizona.

"I'm just surprised that people are still interested in a 44-year old quarterback that hasn't played in five or six weeks," Testaverde said Wednesday, with his gray sideburns visible under his baseball cap.

Yes sir, a 44 year old that hasn't played in five or six weeks. Congratulations Carolina, you've just signed the only guy that could make Trent Green look young and rejuvenated. We'll see you in 2008.

If the Pats ever need a punter...

2007-10-10T14:04:00.000-04:00

I spotted this picture over at the Big Lead today. It's from Tom Brady's Stetson ad and to be honest, I'm a little confused at what Brady is doing right there. He could be doing a legdrop on Eric Mangini, he could be getting sacked by some sort of invisible man or he just punted a beauty inside the 20-yard line.

Either way, I dunno how seeing Brady do a legdrop would inspire me to buy cologne but it probably works. Any other guy would look stupid doing this but Tom ends up with a woman fondling his ball sack. That just doesn't seem fair to me...

* Photo's via the Big Lead

Not even Peter King writes this much nonsense

2007-10-09T22:11:00.000-04:00

Damn it Pete Prisco. I'm tired, I have a headache, I'm trying to have a relaxing evening but I somehow stumble upon your latest shitfest and it totally fucks everything up. Prisco is seriously my least favorite writer out there and stuff like this basically makes me want to light him on fire.

Please, someone tell me why this man is a "senior writer" over at CBS because I really don't get it. Anyways, week 5 is in the books and this is how Pete ranks the teams...

# 27 - The Raiders

They come off the bye week after getting their first victory against Miami two weeks ago. Daunte Culpepper has to stay as the starter.

A "senior writer" should at least have his facts right shouldn't he? Oakland got their first victory against Cleveland in week 3. The Miami game was their second victory, a victory that tied them for first place at the time and Pete even mentioned this when it happened. The Cleveland/Oakland game even had the Lane Kiffen last second time-out call, something that was relived over and over last night when Dick Jauron tried it on MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.

#28 - The Browns

They have made strides, but they are not there yet. The loss to the Patriots reminded us of that. But it wasn't awful.

Speaking of Cleveland, Prisco amazingly ranks them at number 28. The Browns are 2-3 so far and those two victories came against Cincy (ranked 22 on his list) and Baltimore (ranked 8!!!). They would have beaten Oakland if it wasn't for that dumb time-out call and they kept it closer than any team has been able to do so far against New England.

Pretty decent if you ask me, yet he ranks them 28th.

# 22 - The Bengals

Question of the week: Did they find a defense during the bye week? It's doubtful.

You have a 1-3 team that is a bad interference call away from being 0-4. They have absolutely no defense, their starting running back is hurt, the star players on offense are arguing, the coach is calling out the team....yet Prisco RAISES them 5 spots after the bye-week. I don't really have a problem that they're ranked 22nd, but how you can bump them up 5 spots after a bye is beyond me.

# 23 - The Bills

That one had to sting in a big way Monday night. But they might have found a quarterback in Trent Edwards. That's reason to have hope.

Funny that he talks about hope because the Bills probably have the least amount of hope right now. Half of the team is injured, they're the victim of the two most gut-raping losses this season (the Jason Elam field goal/Kevin Everett game + last night's game) , they showed absolutely no offense last night and they should be emotionally fucked right now. But Pete wants them to have hope....

# 8 - The Ravens

The defense came alive against the 49ers, but is that hard to do? They need to get more from that offense.

No, that's really not hard to do against San Fran. I've seen Baltimore play 4 times this season and # 8 seems too high for this team. They're 3-2 but that defense seems to have lost its dominance. They barely hung on against Arizona and set offense back 15 years with the performance against San Francisco.

The 'Niners have one of the worst offenses in football this year and even though they lost their starting qb the week before, they still could've won the game if Joe Nedney connected that field goal with 2 minutes left. That doesn't sound like the 8th best team in the league if you ask me.

# 10 - The Giants

Three consecutive victories have this team feeling pretty good. Still want Tom Coughlin fired?

Yes, I'm pretty sure that most Giants fans (and maybe even some players) still want Coughlin out of there. Oh fuck it, I give up....

Yeah, we knew all of that already

2007-10-09T12:54:00.000-04:00

With TBS covering the baseball play-offs, non Braves fans are finding out that Chip Caray is as pleasant as vaginal bleeding when he's doing a game. The Sports Frog is letting Caray have it today and as a Braves fan, I'm really not surprised.

Chip Caray announcing a game is like listening to a rusty nail getting scraped against a chalk board all while getting raped in the nose by a rhinoceros.

Here are some of Chip's more pathetic moments this year, including some drinking games that were inspired by him...

Sunday afternoon baseball with Chip and Joe

Sometimes they make it so easy

The Atlanta Braves drinking game, part 3

The Atlanta Braves drinking game, part 2

The Atlanta Braves drinking game, part 1

What a night..

2007-10-09T11:45:00.000-04:00

In between the new Heroes episode, the Monday Night Football game and the Indians/Yanks game, I basically got severe carpal tunnel in my wrist from working that remote so much. I flipped so violently between those channels that masturbation is going to be very painful today...

So yeah, I was rooting hard for Cleveland to eliminate the Yanks last night. See, besides wishing the worst upon the Yankees, I also picked the Indians to represent the AL in the World Series back in March so it would be nice if that actually happened. My predictions are usually flacid and pathetic but this one is looking pretty decent so far.

The only thing I regret is that I didn't put any money on Cleveland winning the division back then. I would've been counting some cold hard cash right now but since I'm a pussy, I didn't pull the trigger and I'm still broke like Michael Strahan right now. I basically have to perform sexual acts on truckers to make ends meat...just like Michael Strahan.

Either way, the Monday Night game was also awesome but for different reasons. That rivals the Bears/Cardinals game from last year as one of the most crazy and entertaining games that I've seen in a long while.

Dallas turned it over 6 times, Romo threw 5 picks and 2 of them were returned for a touchdown. They missed a critical two-point conversion and also let Buffalo return a kick-off for a touchdown and they STILL won the damn game thanks to a career long 53-yard field goal from a rookie. That's some crazy shit right there...

Dick Jauron tried that bullshit of calling the timeout right before the kick but Nick Folk just gave him the finger and kicked it right down the middle again to win the game. I admit, I yelled "suck my ass Dick Jauron" when the second kick went through and that's basically what Folk is doing right there. He's calling Jauron a dirty pirate hooker and telling him that he's going to punch him in the colon.

Oh, I also wrote over at the Epic Carnival about the size of Folk's testicles so be sure to check that out.

*(Photo by Rick Stewart/Getty Images)

That can't be right....

2007-10-08T18:30:00.000-04:00

Our good buddy Peter King, dropping some weird shit in today's edition of MMQB...

d. There can't be a more improved player in baseball over the last couple of years -- other than maybe Carlos Pena -- than Kaz Matsui.

Now, maybe Peter has transformed into some Sabermetric genius overnight, but I'm having a hard time believing this. I'm a lazy dick and I'm not going to go through the trouble of actually researching this, but I really refuse to believe that Kaz Matsui is the most improved player over the last couple of years...

The march towards 0-16 continues

2007-10-07T17:20:00.000-04:00

No Random Observations today folks. Some stuff came up and I can't really watch the games and take notes and I doubt that I'll be able to with the Sunday night game. Either way, it's been a shitty day so far and I'm really not fond of the Houston Texans right now.

There was a little hope for a while there that Miami could squeeze out the W, but when Cameron decided to punt it there at the end, you just knew it. Why he didn't want to try a 56-yard field goal is beyond me. I know that Feeley might have missed it and that Houston would get great field position but the damn team is 0-4. How much would it have hurt to at least give it a try? Maybe we'd have a win now or something...

I had a feeling that Kris Brown would have a big game as I picked him up a few days ago for the ol' fantasy team, but that the dude would tie an NFL record with 3 50+ kicks including a 57 yarder to win it....well, fuck that. Fuck that in the ear.

And I guess that this is the end of the Trent Green era. It was short, it sucked and it was painful to watch but I have tremendous respect for the man right now. A 37-year old coming off of a huge concussion last year, trying to put a block downfield on a 0-4 team that is going nowhere. I don't know if he's just crazy or that he has balls the size of North Dakota but damn, we all should have that heart.

Either way Trent, thanks for the effort in these 5 games but just hang them up. Do it for yourself and for your family. I wanted the John Beck era to get underway, but not like this. That said, I expect John to get in there somewhere around week 12 or so and if by then we're 0-11, I would not be surprised at all.

A cross-dressing mermaid could fly into Dolphins stadium while signing the national anthem of Paraguay and I still wouldn't be surprised.

Update: Green's injury appeared worse than it is. He'll be joining the team again and as of right now will probably be out 3 to 4 weeks. I still say that it's too risky and that he should call it quits.

*(AP Photo/David J. Phillip)

Speaking of wanting that opinion back...

2007-10-05T17:15:00.000-04:00

I love reading Pete Prisco articles. Not because he's a great writer or because they're cool and informative. They're not. I just do it so that I can pick out things that are horribly dumb and wrong.

Well, someone on the CBS message boards was kind enough to do the work for me today. A clever reader posted the link of an article that Peterson did back in 2001, ranking the 32 coaches in the NFL. Now, I know that a lot has changed and that back then this list probably looked decent...but I'm sure that he'd like to have some of this back right now.

5. Dennis Green, Minnesota Vikings. Green and Pittsburgh's Bill Cowher are the longest-tenured coaches in the league. Green has consistently had his team in the playoffs during his 10 years with the Vikings, even if the Super Bowl has been unattained. His offensive philosophy to attack is perfect for this NFL. His one fault is never having put together a good defense. That's a demerit, but his record is proof of how good a coach he has been.

Dennis Green. A top 5 coach in the NFL. This Dennis Green...

And then there's this beauty..

30. Bill Belichick, New England Patriots. His players don't like him, the media doesn't like him, and his inflexibility is tiring. So why is he back running an NFL team? It's because he's a great defensive coordinator who is from the Bill Parcells' tree. Belichick is a much better coordinator than head coach, which the Patriots will find out.

I know that Belichick hadn't really shown anything up to that point to make us believe that he would go on and create a dynasty....but when a prediction like this blows up in Prisco's face, it becomes even funnier.

I'm hoping that Prisco is making a list right now and putting Eric Mangini at number 5 while he puts Cam Cameron in the bottom 3. Maybe it will have the same effect...

I really don't see the big deal

2007-10-05T11:53:00.000-04:00

The Yankees and the Indians got underway last night and the big story seems to be that LeBron James is rooting for New York and not for Cleveland. Why that actually matters is beyond me really.

LeBron grew up as a Yankees fan and he's a huge Derek Jeter fan so of course he's going to root for them in the play-offs. He'll root for them whether he's suiting up for the Cleveland Cavs or for a team in Yugoslavia. LeBron's basketball ties have no effect on his baseball ties and that shouldn't surprise us.

How many of us root for a team from a certain city in baseball and another one from another city in football or basketball. If it's like that for us, why should it be different for athletes?

If I'm a Cavs fan, the only thing I'm hoping for is that LeBron puts 100% effort when he steps on the hardwood for my team. If LeBron takes the floor on opening day wearing a New York Knicks jersey to go along with his Yankee cap, then we'd have a problem. But this would really not bother me at all..

LeBron could show up at the Jake today with a baseball cap that supports Tuberculosis, but if he's leading the Cavs to the NBA Finals, I'd shut up and let the man root for whoever he wants to root.

*photo courtesy of SI.

Yeah, that guy hasn't proven anything yet in the leauge

2007-10-05T11:37:00.000-04:00

Noted "fantasy expert" Peter King giving this week's fantasy football tips...

2. This is the week for the Redskins' Clinton Portis to make the quantum leap to big fantasy player. He's playing the Lions, he finally feels close to normal, and Joe Gibbs is going to feed him a lot.

Yeah, time for Clinton Portis to finally prove to us that he's a big time fantasy player. The schmuck has only put up these numbers so far in his career...

2002 : Over 1800 total yards, 17 Td's
2003 : Over 1900 total yards, 14 Td's
2004 : Over 1500 total yards, 7 Td's
2005 : Over 1700 total yards, 11 Td's
2006 : Only played 8 games due to injury, still finished with 7 Td's
2007 : 3 games so far and he has 3 Td's

What a bust. Hopefully this is the week that he makes up for all of the disappointment he has brought over the past 5 seasons.

I'm loving these awesome teammates

2007-10-04T13:36:00.000-04:00

Only a few days after the most pathetic punter in the world got sentenced, we get yet another story of awesome teamwork in college. Rudell Small, a freshman running back at Jacksonville University was reinstated yesterday, one day after a teammate admitted to planting weed in his room.

Small, a freshman, was arrested last Thursday after sheriff's deputies acted on a tip and discovered the illegal substance in his room. He was suspended from school and did not play in last Saturday's game against Davidson.

Small maintained his innocence while school officials and the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office investigated. On Tuesday, they questioned Coltrane, a junior running back who had been competing with Small for playing time.

Coltrane told authorities he planted the marijuana in Small's room, Jacksonville athletic director Alan Verlander said. Verlander said Coltrane was suspended from school and dismissed from the team.

So basically, Small outplayed Coltrane and Coltrane thought he'd maintain his spot by planting some sticky icky in Small's room. But I dunno, I'm kind of disappointed in Cecil here. If your last name is Coltrane, I'd expect you to smash someone in the mouth while wearing an awesome jacket and get your revenge like that. But planting weed? That's just weak.

And really, is being the main running back at Jacksonville U really worth all that trouble? Starting tailback at Miami..sure. Starting tailback at Florida or Florida State...awesome. But Jax U...that's slightly lower on that chain my friend.

He's earned it alright

2007-10-02T22:47:00.000-04:00

Pete Prisco, ranking the NFL teams over at CBS...

Daunte Culpepper might be the guy for a while. He's earned that. The Raiders are tied for first. Can you believe it?

Yeah, he basically got the start for Oakland because Josh McCown got hurt. When you can't beat out Josh McCown, you haven't earned anything. And you can argue that he accounted for 5 Td's, but that's because Miami's defense can't even stop a comatose midget right now.

But hey, you had a huge passing day going 5 for 12 for a whopping 75 yards Daunte. That's starting job material right there according to Pete.

Maybe it will help my blood pressure

2007-10-02T19:01:00.000-04:00

Yours truly will be cluttering the internets with more shenanigans by the looks of it. I've been added to Phin Phanatic, a Miami Dolphins blog and now you'll be able to read my stuff over there as well.

Adam Best, a fellow writer over at the Epic Carnival and one of the main men behind the Arrowhead Addict and the Fan-Sided Network was kind enough to add me to the party, so a big thanks to him and his brother Zach.

So yes, now I have one more place to vent about this craptastic team. They're going to be the end of me..I'm sure of that.

This is what rock bottom looks like huh

2007-09-30T21:52:00.000-04:00

Ho. Ly. Shit. What a day. If this day was a porn movie, it would be the sickest form of German snuff imaginable. The kind of snuff that Nic Cage was looking for in 8MM. Seriously, I don't even know where to begin.

Well, let's start with some baseball. It was the last day of Braves baseball on TBS today, and since I grew up watching Braves baseball in the late '80 / early 90's on TBS, it sucked like Saigon hooker on crack. The fact that the stupid team didn't make the play-offs was another punch to the neck and seeing Chipper Jones lose the batting title on the last day also added to the pain in my testicles.

Football didn't make anything better today either. Brett Favre broke Marino's touchdown record, and even though I have nothing against Brett...you can imagine that I wanted Marino to have that record at least 'till Kenny Chesney's girl would break it.

And then there was the Dolphins game itself. I'll confidently say that this is the low-point of this franchise. I made fun of the Falcons and said that they were the worst team in football but the Falcons shut me up nicely today. They're not the worst. The worst fuckin' team in the league plays in South Florida in a stadium with a stupid dirt infield.

Let's look at some numbers shall we. Daunte Culpepper was 5-12 for just 75 yards. He rushed 3 times for 28 yards, yet he still put up 5 total touchdowns. 103 total yards to go along with 5 Td's. It might look weird, but considering that our defense consists of peanut butter and feathers, it's not strange at all.

Oakland ran for 299 total yards. Justin Fargas ran for over 100 yards...in the 4th quarter and had a career-high 179 yards. Yes, Justin Fargas and the Raiders did that. They came into Miami and took a dump in our mouths and all we could do was just stand there and look stupid. And this was after our big free-agent signing guaranteed a victory. Fuck me in the armpits.

But they deserve this. After the way they treated Culpepper, they deserved him coming back, scoring 5 touchdowns, grabbing his crotch and screwing Wayne Huizenga's wife on the sideline. Good for you Daunte, good for you.

In the pre-season I was hopeful for a mediocre 6-10 record. Then I lowered my expectations to 3-13. Now I'm convinced that this piece of shit team will go winless. The only slightly "winnable" games are Cleveland and Buffalo but they way those two teams played today, they'll kick our skull in. They'll kick our skull in while dry-humping our cheerleaders.

So, everyone can make jokes and kick dirt on this team. I don't really care anymore. Come April we'll be drafting first overall and I'm sure that that will get messed up somehow also. Maybe we'll take a kicker first...or a mascot. That would be fuckin' sweet.

* (Photo by Eliot J. Schechter/Getty Images)

I think he'd like to have that one back

2007-09-30T21:42:00.000-04:00

SI's Gennaro Filice dropping some predictions yesterday as the regular season comes to a close..

V. Pennant winner

[...]
• NL: Mets. Yes, the Mets have blown a seven-game lead in the blink of an eye ... Who cares? In the baseball world, flirting with monumental collapse is the new black. Just look at the Cardinals and Tigers last season and the White Sox in '05.

Yes sir, flirting with monumental disaster always seems to work out just peachy. How could we ever doubt that...

* (AP Photo/Kathy Willens)

Sigh..

2007-09-30T16:55:00.000-04:00

For those of you looking for my depressive take on Miami's latest crap fest...I'll be up a bit later. In the meantime, I'm doing the Random Observations over at the Epic Carnival. As usual, I'll have the links up as soon as it's posted over there.

Note : The first half edition is up.

Another Note : And here's the second half..

And that's why college football is awesome

2007-09-30T11:24:00.000-04:00

Man, what a weekend in college football. Seriously, weekends like this one make college football the greatest thing around. I admit, I usually enjoy the college game more than the pro game and this is exactly why.

# 3 Oklahoma went down. So did # 4 Florida. West Virginia, the 5th ranked team stumbled and so did # 7 Texas, # 10 Rutgers, # 21 Penn State and # 22 Alabama. # 13 Clemson started its annual collapse, Notre Dame is 0-5, Cal (#6) and Oregon(#11) played a great one while # 1 USC, # 9 Wisconsin and # 17 Virginia Tech all had to sweat a little.

My 'Canes might find themselves back in the top 25 this week, but the fact that they looked sluggish against Duke won't really help matters a lot. Besides that, the other game that gave me much pleasure was Florida State over Alabama.

Being a Miami fan, I usually just wish the worst upon FSU. Rooting for FSU is like rooting for a puppy to get sick but when they're playing against Nick Saban, you can make an exception. Either way, it was an awesome collection of games and now I'm hoping that the pro's can match it today.

Bengals games sound like fun

2007-09-28T16:42:00.000-04:00

If you are a regular reader of this site, you'll know that bird diarrhea is one of my most favorite things to talk about. Well, there are some awesome birds in Cincinnati that have given me plenty of ammo going into the weekend.

Check out my post over at the Epic Carnival and you'll see why.