Damn these predudice folk

We make jokes sometimes that the AOL Fanhouse has the worst commentators on the interwebs because while some of the folks that comment there seem cool, others consistently show the I.Q. of a brain dead Armadillo.

I usually don't pay much attention to these guys, but this fellow commenting on the Mike Vick sentencing just made my day.

STUPID ASS WHITE FOLKS YO ASS DIDNT SAY THAT WHEN LINDSAY LOHEM GOT 84MINUTES IN JAIL OR BRITNEY STOLE LIGHTER YALL SO DAM PREDUDICE THATS ITS SO

Yeah, he actually called her Lindsay Lohem. That's just priceless.

Blatant use of the "Caps lock" button : Check.
Horrible grammar : Check.
Butchering the name of a well known actress : Check.
Not even finishing the sentence : Check.
Showing the mental capacity of a dirty wash cloth : Double check.

(image courtesy of phun.org)

Does he actually believe this?

So, I was surfing the interwebs last night and I came across this post by Miami Herald sports columnist Armando Salguero about how the Dolphins would be in better shape if Nick Saban had stayed on board.

Salguero tried to argue that Miami, LSU, Michigan, Saban and Cam Cameron would all be in better places right now if Saban had elected to stay at Miami.

Now, I don't know if he wrote this just to have fun and to stir shit up in the comments section or if he genuinely believes the garbage that he spewed out in this post.

Here's the thing. On the one hand, Saban went 8-8 and 6-10 in his two seasons as Miami's coach and on paper it looks way better than 0-10. Saban also had a pretty good draft in '05 that brought in a bunch of starters including Ronnie Brown, who showed everyone this season that he fits into that elite back category.

If Saban stayed, the team would probably also not be winless right now. That's one way of looking at it but let's be realistic here.

Saban quit on this team after giving them his word. That's really not the guy I would want as a coach. And he would not be rebuilding right now (what this team desperately needed) and Miami would be plodding along to another 6-10 / 9-7 type season while achieving absolutely nothing.

But hey, let's see how Armando argues this one...

Nick Saban should have waited one more year, should have buckled his proverbial chin strap and stayed with the Dolphins and struggled and suffered through one more season. And if he had everyone would be better off.

Yes, I just wrote that. Everyone, Saban and Cam Cameron and the Dolphins and LSU and Michigan, would be better off for 2008.

Go on. We're waiting...

How would Saban be better off? Well, the fact is he is in deep do at Alabama now coming off back-to-back losses to Mississippi State and Louisiana-Monroe. His team is underachieving and fans once loyal to him are getting the idea the guy is something of a strange bird based on comments he made Monday.

Saban described the humbling defeat against ULM inappropriately, mentioning the 9-11 terrorist attacks and Pearl Harbor in talking about how his team must rebound like America did from a "catastrophic event.''

"Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event,'' Saban said. "It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America RELATIVE TO catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, and that was a catastrophic event.''

And this is seriously the guy you want to be leading this team right now?

And that leads me to the reason everyone would be better off if Saban had stayed. If he had stayed, and I remind you it was HIS choice to leave, Saban probably would be struggling with the Dolphins this year. But he would likely be preparing himself for a return to LSU if/when Les Miles flies the coop for Michigan.

Oh, so you want him to stay, have a pathetic 5-11 type year and then bolt to LSU. And then Miami would have to go through that entire process again of finding a new coach and implementing a new system.

I may be wrong here, but I'm really happy that Cameron came in with a rebuilding plan before another year was wasted.

Think of it. If Saban were Miami's coach, Miles would almost certainly become Michigan's coach because the folks at LSU would gladly let Miles out of his contract in order to get Saban back. And it is that contract, which has a $1.25 million buyout clause if Miles goes to Michigan, that is the only thing that might keep Miles at LSU.

If Saban went back to LSU, he would be returning to a program stocked with talent -- which Alabama was not. He'd be returning to a place where he is adored and his foibles are embraced -- which he is finding Alabama is not. He'd be going back to an open and seemingly unlimited checkbook.

So Michigan would get the coach it wants and LSU would get the coach it wants.

It sounds like LSU is willing to let Miles go to Michigan. They didn't need Saban to come back for that.

So how would that make things better for the Dolphins? As I just stated, Saban would be struggling with the Dolphins this year as any coach would. But do you think he'd be winless? His Miami teams started slow both years, but they hit a stride midway through the season. It didn't last and it didn't make them good long-term or short-term.

But they were not WINLESS. Not even close.

True, but they'd still be that same underachieving bunch, getting older and not doing anything worth remembering on the field. But hey, they would go 7-9! Long live Saban!

And I don't think they would be winless this year under Saban. And how would that be better for Miami long-term?

Well, it was clear last year that the big-name coaches the Dolphins coveted initially -- Pete Carroll and Bill Cowher -- were not ready to move or get back into coaching. Those close to Cowher believe he'll be ready to return to coaching this year. And if the Dolphins were in the market for a coach this year, following Saban's departure to LSU, I am certain they would be players in the chase for Coach Chin.

Maybe. You don't know that. So basically, you'd prefer to have another lethargic season with that same veteran group, go 6-10, have Saban bolt and cross your fingers to hopefully land Cowher.

Meanwhile, Cameron is already here and his plan is already in motion. Granted they're 0-10 and horrible right now, but you need to get really bad before you get really good. The Cowboys also went 1-15 in J.J.'s first season.

Besides, in last Sunday's game against Philly, Miami had a rookie qb, a rookie fullback, a rookie center, a rookie wide receiver, a 2nd year wide receiver, a 2nd year safety, a rookie punter and a 2nd year defensive tackle all STARTING.

That means youth. That means rebuilding. That means that this team is one or two drafts away from being a contender and having a great core of players to build around.

Furthermore, I put to you that had Saban stayed in Miami this year, held out one more inglorious season, Cam Cameron would be better off as well. If Saban had stayed, Cameron would still be in San Diego in some capacity because he had only one other head coach interview last year and Arizona didn't ask him back for a second talk.

So he would not have left San Diego. He would, worst case, be San Diego's offensive coordinator, which given the talent there is pretty attractive. And if things had played out as they did, Cameron would almost certainly have inherited the head coaching job when Marty Schottenheimer was fired.

Again, you don't know this. San Diego fired Shottenheimer after a 14-2 season. They let Cameron walk. They let Wade Phillips walk. They went out and got Norv fuckin' Turner. San Diego didn't really make the most rational of decisions there Armando...

So Camerons would be San Diego's head coach and the Dolphins would be in good position to hire a good head coach with a winning track record because they could chose between a semi-retired Cowher and an unemployed Schottenheimer as their next coach.

Alright. Fine. I'll play along. Even if Camerons (sic) became the head coach, what do you think would be more gratifying? Inheriting a loaded Chargers team and have people say that he's winning only because he took over Shottenheimer's loaded roster? (a la Phillips in Dallas and Tomlin in Pitt).

Or, take over a bad Miami team, tear it down, start to rebuild it and slowly mold a winner out of it? I think option number 2 sounds pretty good and pretty rewarding.

So to recap if Saban had stayed in Miami this year, the Dolphins might not be winless and in 2008:

Huh. We're still in 2007 Armando. And if you mean that Miami will go winless next season, then you should be giving us lottery numbers.

Saban would be coaching LSU.

Yeah, the guy who compares a loss to 9-11 and Pearl Harbor.

Cameron would be coaching San Diego.

Maybe.

And either Cowher or Schottenheimer could be coaching the Dolphins.

Maybe and maybe.

That's better all the way around, I think.

Discuss ...

Read the comments. Your readers seem to agree that this piece of garbage is the worst thing you've ever written.

Coffeenerdness!?!

Consider it "Peter King day" over here. I'm trying to write my "Rundown" column but Peter is just messing with my mind. Horrible, I know.

Well, these guys have the right idea though. The created a blog dedicated to nothing but Peter King mockage. Pure, awesome, mockage. That's a winner in my book folks.

So check it out and check it out often.

Yeah, let's all pick up Dwayne Wright

Usually I mock Peter King's fantasy advice on Tuesday's, but he didn't mention anyone that is playing tonight, so I can just go ahead and run this now.

But before we start, I have to mention this quote from Peter again..

1. No one except maybe the '27 Yankees could beat the Patriots right now.

Personally, I think that the '96 Bulls could also beat them right now. Maybe the '01 Miami Hurricanes and the '86 Celtics. But yeah, if there's one team that can beat New England right now, it's the '27 Yankees. Good call Pete.

Either way, on to the fantasy train wreck that is Peter King...

1. Lynch still had a walking boot on his foot today, and though he's saying he thinks he may be able to play, I'd say the chances of that are slim. Looking to pick someone up? I'd say rookie Dwayne Wright is a better choice than vet Anthony Thomas. I don't like the matchup of the plodding Thomas against New England's hammering front seven.

Dwayne Wright : 1 carrie, 1 yard, 1 fumble. I mean, you can't start a fantasy advice column better than that. You really can't. And for the record, Thomas did have a better game than Wright as he got 11 carries and 31 yards.

2. Dump Rudi Johnson if he still has trade value in your league. By all measures, the best back on the Bengals now is Kenny Watson, who is gaining 1.8 yards more per carry than Johnson.

Decent call here. Watson finished with 9 carries for 45 yards while Johnson got 8 carries and only finished with 25 yards rushing.

4. Arizona offensive coordinator Maurice Carthon loves Arrington, and his touches have gone way up the last three weeks. I would look for him to get the ball in space 10 times in Cincinnati on Sunday. If you've got a flex spot open this weekend, Arrington might not be a bad pick. I could see him getting 80 yards and a touchdown.

If you actually followed this advice, I'm sure that you want to stab Peter in his chin right now.

Arrington : 1 catch for 3 yards to go along with 0 carries for 0 yards on the ground. Peter was slightly off here to say the least...

5. How can Thomas Jones not have a touchdown right now? Ridiculous. With Pittsburgh cming to town and allowing a league-low 72 rushing yards per game, there's no worse play in the league this weekend than Jones. He's got to sit.

This is the sheer power of the Peter King curse folks. Like I've said before. Take the Madden curse, let it have a violent orgy with SI Cover curse and you get something that resembles the Peter King curse.

King tells us to sit Thomas Jones and Jones promptly goes out and rushes for 117 yards on 30 carries.

Bonus points for the fact that it snapped Pittsburgh's 34 game streak of not allowing a 100-yard rusher.

6. Play Dallas Clark, who has been practicing this week and seems to be over the concussion that sidelined him against the Chargers. Trade for him if your deadline hasn't come yet. I could see him catching 12 balls against Kansas City, what with the blanketing of Reggie Wayne continuing and the wideout injuries stunting the Indy passing game.

Dallas Clark : 3 catches, 15 yards.

7. Derrick Mason's pathetic 9.0-yards-per-catch average is not all his fault, obviously. I think he'd be a good pickup this weekend if he's on the waiver wire in your league. Kyle Boller needs a wideout security blanket, he likes throwing to Mason, and the Browns -- surrendering 273 yards per game and an abominable 22 touchdowns through the air -- are coming to town for a game the Ravens must have.

Ah, finally a little redemption for Peter. Mason finished with 6 catches for 83 yards. No touchdowns though..

8. Don't trust Mason? Here's a waiver guy for you: Koren Robinson. Brett Favre loves him and went out on a limb to make sure he got back with the Packers this season after all his substance abuse problems. Coach Mike McCarthy thinks Favre sees himself in Robinson, who is working hard with more passes are coming his way each week. With Carolina averaging a putrid 1.0 sacks per game, Favre should have enough time to find Robinson a few times Sunday.

Koren Robinson : 0 catches.

Yeah, Brett Favre reaaalllly loves him.

9. Worried about the Colts offense? Don't be. All three tackles who were hurt last Sunday practiced fully on Friday, and Peyton Manning should not have the same kind of fire-drill game he endured in San Diego Sunday.

Manning : 16-32, 163 yards to go along with 0 Td's and 1 pick. As for the Colts offense, a pathetic 13 point showing at home against KC.

This was by far Peter's worst column yet. I mean, it's come to the point where you have to do the exact opposite of what he says.

The daily Peter King mocking

When I wake up in the morning, I don't really set out to mock Peter King at every chance I get but the man makes it way too easy.

I mentioned this in the previous post, but it was so awkward and so strange that I just have to put it here again...

j. Jacoby Ellsbury might be a young Steve Nash.

Please, please explain to me what that means because I seriously can't find anything about Jacoby Ellsbury that will remind me of Steve Nash.

Either way, Peter was horrible with his fantasy advice again this week. But there's one positive about his consistent ass-sucking and that is the humor that it brings to all of us.

So yeah, here are this week's blunders, courtesy of SI's senior football writer...

1. I wrote in my picks this week that McNair has 42 touchdown passes in his last 42 games. So, uh, going into Pittsburgh, he's not a good pick this week. Do not pick him up. I'd rather take Joey Harrington this week.

By saying that McNair only has 42 Td passes in his previous 42 games already shows you how average he has been since winning the Co-MVP thing. And now McNair and that pathetic Ravens offense will go against Pittsburgh, a team that prides itself on defense and they probably will be without Todd Heap again..

I don't think that anyone is playing Steve McNair tonight with any confidence whatsoever...

3. Marvin Harrison? Law of the jungle if he plays. The Patriots will try to knock the snot out of him. Pass. Play Anthony Gonzales instead. Hey, did you know the Patriots loved Anthony Gonzales before the draft? Now the Buckeye will be the real wild card in whether the Colts can win this game.

I may be wrong here but I think that the kid is called Anthony Gonzalez. And he really sparkled yesterday with his 1 catch for 13 yards. I mean, if you're going to blow Ted Washington sized chunks with your advice, at least get the name right..

4. Tight end with the best numbers in week nine: Dallas Clark. Book it. He'll be where Peyton Manning loves to see a receiver when the touch pass rush comes -- in the slot -- and Manning will know he'll catch anything in his area code.

Dallas Clark : 2 catches, 15 yards. Not really the best numbers in week nine if you ask me. But hey, check out the tight ends that I had going yesterday. Kellen Winslow, 11 catches for 125 and Tony Gonzalez, 10 catches for 109 and a score.

7. Jay Cutler, Jay Cutler, Jay Cutler. Trade for him if you're in a two-quarterback league. He's going to put up good numbers the rest of the way, starting Sunday against the Lions.

Cutler got hurt and only managed to throw 4 passes before being replaced. The Peter King curse in full effect folks..

8. Hmmmm. I know you already took my Dallas Clark advice, but one more tight end to pick up Sunday is Owen Daniels of Houston. Sage Rosenfels is going to need a security blanket against the Oakland blitz, and Daniels will be it.

Owen Daniels : 4 catches, 41 yards. But hey, it was at least a little bit better than Dallas Clark.

9. Chris Chambers is about to be a very famous wide receiver. This is the week he starts producing big for Philip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers.

Chris Chambers : 5 catches, 59 yards and this was probably his best prediction of the bunch. Peter King is to fantasy football what I am to cooking.

Again, only Peter King can cheer us up

So, it was a pretty dreadful day yesterday again. You know how it went down. The Red Sox swept their way to another title on the same day that the Patriots somehow cemented themselves as this evil entity. New Enlgand has now reached that Madden level where they can score and toy with you at will and there's just no stopping it.

I never really minded the Pats, but after the camera thing, the teams that keep saying that their headsets lose communication and opponents complaining that Belichick doesn't respect the game and runs up the score...you kinda wish that Kimo von Oelhoffen would take a dive at mister Brady's knees.

So now the Pats open up as a 4 point favorite for the game against Indy. Please wrap your mind around that. Indy is the defending Super Bowl champs, they are 8-0 so far and they just beat a division leader by 24 on the road while missing one of their main weapons. And somehow them being 4-point dog seems too low even.

That's basically how good and how evil this Patriot team has become. I mean, is one city really allowed so much joy within a 1 week period? Can the baseball team sweep a second World Series title in 4 years while the football team is on its way to doing stuff you're only supposed to do in a video game? And I'm not even considering the fact that the Celtics will unveil KG and Ray Allen this week and that Boston College is # 2 in the BCS all while being led by the Heisman favorite.

So yes, everything sucks for the rest of us and I'm just going to do now what comes naturally over here. You guessed it, we're going to mock Peter King just because it's entertaining.

Peter's fantasy advice was horrible last week but it was a lot better this time around. Even though he had some bombs (Adrian Peterson, Vince Young, Osi Umenyiora), he did hit on a couple (Kevin Jones, Steven Jackson, Marc Bulger, Wes Welker).

But there was one real gem in between all of that..

9. I may regret saying this. In fact, I probably will. But Brian Griese has some confident receivers in the huddle right now in the wake of his heroic last-minute save of the Bears' season at Philadelphia last week. I can see him going off for 340 and three touchdowns against the Lions.

Brian Griese. 208 yards, 1 touchdown, 4 picks. Lions sweep the Bears this season. Great call Peterson.

More solid writing on the internets

Most of us that follow sports in some capacity have certain announcers/analysts/writers that we dislike and we wonder then for what reason they're still employed after they keep churning out shit on a stick every time.

McCarver, Morgan, Buck, Prisco and Petey Pablo are a few that come to mind immediately in my case, but there's one guy out there who's consistently more horrible than everyone else and that is Jay Mohr.

See, for some reason FOX has decided to let Mohr write a running segment called "The Alternative" and why anyone thought that this would be a good idea is beyond me. Seriously, I find it hard to believe that FOX couldn't find anyone better than Mohr to vent about whatever he is venting about.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I'm better because I am definitely not any better, but the difference is that I'm not getting paid by FOX to be shitty. I'm shitty on my own blog and I guess that my readers are fine with that. But Mohr is being paid (I hope for his sake) and he's churning out stale cow vomit.

In the latest crap fest, Jay jumps all over New Enlgand sports teams (wow, that's fresh and original) and it basically loses me at the third paragraph. I dunno, I've read plenty of Boston hate these days and while all were entertaining and funny, this one felt like shaving my testicles with a cheese grater.

And if that shitty article wasn't enough, here are the "Tids and Bits"...

The WNBA's Los Angeles Sparks won the draft "lottery" this year. That's like being able to pick first at a women's basketball draft.

Ehh...I really don't see the humor in that.

Isn't it wonderful that the Miami Dolphins, the only team to ever finish a season at 16-0, have a remarkable shot at also finishing an NFL season 0-16?

Yeah, groundbreaking stuff. No one sees that coming..

I wonder what Jason Whitlock would do if I ever called Chad Johnson "Mr. Bojangles."

I would hope that Whitlock would punch you in the kidneys. And then I would hope that the real Mr. Bojangles would also punch you in the kidneys.

best of lucky
jay mohr

"Best of lucky". Wow, that's enough to elicit a beating right there. And it looks like Jay is 16-21 so far with his NFL picks this season. My 63-40 record is pretty mediocre so far but it beats 16-21. Even Nikki Cox is beating that 16-21 with her 18-19 record so far.

Solid work Jay.

Yeah, I'm still alive...

There's something about your team being down 42-7 at halftime and the words "worst start in franchise history" that just sucks the energy right out of you. Fuck that game. Fuck that game with a broom stick. I'm just going to be blissfully ignorant and pretend like Tom Brady does not exist right now.

I'm still not really in the mood to write right now, but hopefully it will slowly come back. I might do the Jacksonville-Indy game tonight since there weren't any Random Observations yesterday so we'll see what happens with that.

I guess the only people feeling worse than me right now are the ones that follow Cleveland sports. The Buckeyes losing twice to Florida in championship games last season, the Cavs getting swept by San Antonio in the NBA Finals and now the Indians blowing a 3-1 ALCS lead. But hey, at least they made it to championship games....and that is sadly way more than any of my teams can say right now.

But fuck that. And fuck the next Simmons column where he gets to gloat and have painful erections while basking in Red Sox and Patriots glory.

Wouldn't it be fitting?

After the Raiders burned us like the diarrhea in Derrick Mason's colon, I basically started to prepare myself mentally that these Dolphins could go winless this year. Miami has now finished the "easy" part of the schedule and since they're 0-6, the chance of going winless has improved dramatically, much like the size of Eric Mangini's breasts.

Well, SI's Don Banks has also noticed this and Banks also sees 0-16 as a very possible outcome. And on NBC, Chris Collinsworth was talking about how great the Patriots have been and how they could possibly run the table and take bragging rights away from the '72 Dolphins and that basically sets up a very gut-raping scenario.

The Pats beat Indy November 4th and keep playing at this mind blowing level all the way to an undefeated season. The Dolphins fail to win the only "winnable" remaining games on their schedule (at home against Buffalo and the Jets) and finish winless. The '72 Dolphins get company in the record books while the 2007 Dolphins become the worst team in NFL history. Oh man, fuck me in the liver...

I know that the season still has a long way to go and that a lot can still happen. I also know that the odds of a team going winless and a team going undefeated are very small and that the possibility of both happening in the same season is about as big as finding any humor in Dane Cook's stand up routine...but still. The chance is there and it's the type of irony that could make me give up on sports forever.

Either way, things have come so far that the Browns are raping us in the eye. I could sit here and say that 3 of the losses have come by a field goal and that we're a few bounces away from being 3-3...but the reality is that we're 0-6. Excuses are pathetic and for douchebags like Eric Mangini. Fuck Eric Mangini.

Speaking of pathetic, nice of our defense to take the week off again. Don't worry fellas, Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow don't need to be covered. Covering players are for teams that actually care about winning. And no, don't tackle the third string running back either. Tackling is gay..

The only bright spot remains Ronnie Brown. Brown continues to kick ass and watching him run is pure joy. One of the CBS announcers said that Brown is as close as there is to L.T. right now and I have to agree. The way he abused those Cleveland defenders was a thing of beauty.

Well, 0-6 is in the books. Next week the Patriots come to Miami and they will have a chance to actually score 100 points. I'm convinced that New England could put 100 on us if they wanted to. I seriously can't wait to see what line Vegas will put up on that one...

(AP Photo/Tony Dejak)

What can I say...

Another pathetic loss, this time a swift donkey punch from Cleveland. I'm still legitimately concerned about 0-16 but I'm too depressed to write about it right now. We get the Patriots next week and I see no reason why New England shouldn't be favored by at least 25.

Speaking of New England, I'll be doing the Random Observations over at the Epic Carnival now and I guess that'll write more about this game later.

(AP Photo/Tony Dejak)

Yeah, we knew all of that already

With TBS covering the baseball play-offs, non Braves fans are finding out that Chip Caray is as pleasant as vaginal bleeding when he's doing a game. The Sports Frog is letting Caray have it today and as a Braves fan, I'm really not surprised.

Chip Caray announcing a game is like listening to a rusty nail getting scraped against a chalk board all while getting raped in the nose by a rhinoceros.

Here are some of Chip's more pathetic moments this year, including some drinking games that were inspired by him...

• Sunday afternoon baseball with Chip and Joe

• Sometimes they make it so easy

• The Atlanta Braves drinking game, part 3

• The Atlanta Braves drinking game, part 2

• The Atlanta Braves drinking game, part 1

The march towards 0-16 continues

No Random Observations today folks. Some stuff came up and I can't really watch the games and take notes and I doubt that I'll be able to with the Sunday night game. Either way, it's been a shitty day so far and I'm really not fond of the Houston Texans right now.

There was a little hope for a while there that Miami could squeeze out the W, but when Cameron decided to punt it there at the end, you just knew it. Why he didn't want to try a 56-yard field goal is beyond me. I know that Feeley might have missed it and that Houston would get great field position but the damn team is 0-4. How much would it have hurt to at least give it a try? Maybe we'd have a win now or something...

I had a feeling that Kris Brown would have a big game as I picked him up a few days ago for the ol' fantasy team, but that the dude would tie an NFL record with 3 50+ kicks including a 57 yarder to win it....well, fuck that. Fuck that in the ear.

And I guess that this is the end of the Trent Green era. It was short, it sucked and it was painful to watch but I have tremendous respect for the man right now. A 37-year old coming off of a huge concussion last year, trying to put a block downfield on a 0-4 team that is going nowhere. I don't know if he's just crazy or that he has balls the size of North Dakota but damn, we all should have that heart.

Either way Trent, thanks for the effort in these 5 games but just hang them up. Do it for yourself and for your family. I wanted the John Beck era to get underway, but not like this. That said, I expect John to get in there somewhere around week 12 or so and if by then we're 0-11, I would not be surprised at all.

A cross-dressing mermaid could fly into Dolphins stadium while signing the national anthem of Paraguay and I still wouldn't be surprised.

Update: Green's injury appeared worse than it is. He'll be joining the team again and as of right now will probably be out 3 to 4 weeks. I still say that it's too risky and that he should call it quits.

*(AP Photo/David J. Phillip)

This is what rock bottom looks like huh

Ho. Ly. Shit. What a day. If this day was a porn movie, it would be the sickest form of German snuff imaginable. The kind of snuff that Nic Cage was looking for in 8MM. Seriously, I don't even know where to begin.

Well, let's start with some baseball. It was the last day of Braves baseball on TBS today, and since I grew up watching Braves baseball in the late '80 / early 90's on TBS, it sucked like Saigon hooker on crack. The fact that the stupid team didn't make the play-offs was another punch to the neck and seeing Chipper Jones lose the batting title on the last day also added to the pain in my testicles.

Football didn't make anything better today either. Brett Favre broke Marino's touchdown record, and even though I have nothing against Brett...you can imagine that I wanted Marino to have that record at least 'till Kenny Chesney's girl would break it.

And then there was the Dolphins game itself. I'll confidently say that this is the low-point of this franchise. I made fun of the Falcons and said that they were the worst team in football but the Falcons shut me up nicely today. They're not the worst. The worst fuckin' team in the league plays in South Florida in a stadium with a stupid dirt infield.

Let's look at some numbers shall we. Daunte Culpepper was 5-12 for just 75 yards. He rushed 3 times for 28 yards, yet he still put up 5 total touchdowns. 103 total yards to go along with 5 Td's. It might look weird, but considering that our defense consists of peanut butter and feathers, it's not strange at all.

Oakland ran for 299 total yards. Justin Fargas ran for over 100 yards...in the 4th quarter and had a career-high 179 yards. Yes, Justin Fargas and the Raiders did that. They came into Miami and took a dump in our mouths and all we could do was just stand there and look stupid. And this was after our big free-agent signing guaranteed a victory. Fuck me in the armpits.

But they deserve this. After the way they treated Culpepper, they deserved him coming back, scoring 5 touchdowns, grabbing his crotch and screwing Wayne Huizenga's wife on the sideline. Good for you Daunte, good for you.

In the pre-season I was hopeful for a mediocre 6-10 record. Then I lowered my expectations to 3-13. Now I'm convinced that this piece of shit team will go winless. The only slightly "winnable" games are Cleveland and Buffalo but they way those two teams played today, they'll kick our skull in. They'll kick our skull in while dry-humping our cheerleaders.

So, everyone can make jokes and kick dirt on this team. I don't really care anymore. Come April we'll be drafting first overall and I'm sure that that will get messed up somehow also. Maybe we'll take a kicker first...or a mascot. That would be fuckin' sweet.

* (Photo by Eliot J. Schechter/Getty Images)

It didn't take very long for this to turn sour

It's been about 6 months since Miami signed Joey Porter, but I've already had it with him. I know it's only been 3 regular season games so far and that a lot can still happen, but I'm not the most optimistic person in the world right now.

See, like I said before, Joey Porter was never a favorite of mine. I hated him deeply when he was with the Steelers, and when Miami signed him to that big contract, it made me go through all of those phases but finally I managed to talk myself into liking the move.

Here's what I eventually convinced myself that would happen...

After that, it's time for acceptance. You realize that it's better to just accept what's happened and try to move forward. Here's where the mind starts to rationalize positively and you actually start to feel good about the whole thing. You say things like "Hmmmm, Joey Porter is a great guy to bring in for our defense. We're going to be even better now. Sweet..."

And then, you just get batshit crazy and you start to ramble incoherently about the impending doom that awaits the opposing teams. "We're going to fuck Chad Pennington up!!!!!"

So yeah, I just moved into the acceptance stage and I'm embracing the fact that our defense will be even better than it was the year before. It's (relatively) younger, faster and the aggression has just risen like Jay in front of Jessica Alba.

Joey Porter, Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas, Channing Crowder and Matt Roth will now bring so much heat that the sun will start to sweat. It'll be so aggressive and dominating that it will keep Tom Brady from empregnating Gisele Bundchen. Thomas Jones just requested a trade out of New York, just to avoid the massive beating that his organs will be receiving soon. See, now I'm in that "batshit crazy" zone...

Yeah, I'd like to take that back. The fact that Chad Pennington had a rushing touchdown last week on a bum ankle while the Jets put up 31 points on our defense is also not sitting very well with me right now.

So, let's have a look at what Joey Porter has brought to this team so far, after signing that big 5-year deal...

- Got into a fight in Las Vegas with Levi Jones. His gang supposedly jumped Levi, taking away any street cred he had left.
- Had knee surgery and missed the entire pre-season.
- Was on the sideline in overtime as Washington drove for the winning field goal in week 1.
- Was basically invisible during the Dallas loss.
- Talked trash with Darien Barners, the Jets FULLBACK before the game last week (the punter was obviously not available for trash talk). The defense promptly goes out then and gives up 31 points following that pathetic exchange.
- Is now guaranteeing a win against Oakland this weekend. As if Daunte Culpepper needed more incentive to beat Miami when he gets the start on Sunday.

Yeah, that's an extremely awesome signing so far. And by "awesome" I mean that it's making me scrape my tongue on hot shards of glass.

Oh, and what the fuck is going on in this picture? Is he sweating...did Pacman Jones just make it rain or was he just defiled by a large group of men?? Someone needs to clear this up...

Why damnit, why?

A funny thing happened last night. Actually no, it's only funny if you consider bleeding from your eyelids to be humorous.

I flipped on the tube and there were my Atlanta Braves, beating the Phillies and looking quite good in the process. Now, usually my erection would be very extreme in such a case, but since I swore off baseball for the remainder of the season...it felt like bathing in acid.

See, this is exactly what I hate about this year's Braves team. A few weeks ago they were done. A very talented team that just couldn't put it together. They took a big dump on our face, melted down the stretch and now they're going on a run when it's way too late and just adding to the insult.

With last night's victory Atlanta has now won 8 out of their last 9 and have crept within 3 games of the wild card lead. They're 3 out with 5 games to go, meaning that they have a 2% chance or so of making it...but still, that 2 % can give hope. Fuck that hope. Fuck it with a machete.

The Braves will probably finish 1 or 2 games out of the wild card and even though we shouldn't be surprised, the fact that it's just a game or two will only add fuel to this raging fire. I'll explain..

This team has left so many seemingly sure victories slip away, meaning that if they somehow had managed to win just 3 or 4 of those, we'd be talking play-offs now.

- They got swept by the Mets a few weeks ago in the biggest series of the year.
- They lost 6 out of 7 to the Reds this year. You can't lose 6 out of 7 to Cincy if you're supposedly contending for the play-offs.
- There's the Bob Wickman blown save in Florida. A game in which Tim Hudson took a 3-0 lead into the ninth inning.
- There was the other attempt to get Hudson a complete game last week against Milwaukee. He took a 1-0 lead into the 8th and lost the game 4-1.
- There's that 6-9 record in extra inning games and the pathetic 18-24 mark in 1-run games.
- And let's not forget about the likes of Kyle Davies, Mark Redman, Jo-Jo Reyes, Lance Cormier and Anthony Lerew that were thrown into that 5th-starter spot and failed like I fail at figure skating. Actually, let's forget about those guys because I feel like I'm going to puke from my nose now.

So yeah, thanks for going on this little run and making this season just a tad more painful. I appreciate it.

Don't get your hopes up Chicago

It looks like Rex Grossman will be getting very cozy with the bench this Sunday against the Lions because Chicago has finally benched him in favor of Brian Griese. And yeah, having seen Griese play for Miami back in 2003, I feel the need to tell Bears fans to not get their hopes up too much.

But it's a move that had to be made though. Right now, it wouldn't even matter if Griese had no arms and was being pushed around in a wheelchair because he would probably still be an improvement over Grossman. I dunno, I guess the fact that someone other than Rex will be heaving up passes will pump that Bears offense up a little, but in the end it won't really matter.

Chicago just doesn't scare anyone offensively. Muhsin Muhammad is not the player he used to be, Bernard Berrian is fast and...well, he's just fast. Greg Olsen is just getting his feet wet and Cedric Benson hasn't done much to make the locals forget about Thomas Jones so far. When your biggest weapon is your punt returner, you probably have a good indication that your offense needs some work...

But hey, enjoy Griese for the time being Bears fans. Maybe you can luck your way into Andre' Woodson somehow next season.

The Eagles hate your retina and plan to destroy it

While watching the Buffalo - Pittsburgh game last week, I noted on the Epic Carnival that the Steelers were wearing a hideous jersey that wasn't really pleasant on the ol' retina.

The jersey was to commemorate Pitt's 75th anniversary and now the Eagles are going to do the same thing this weekend, only they'll be sporting some threads that are actually worse to look at. Seriously, this is the equivalent of getting raped by a disease infested whale right in your eye-socket.

The Fanhouse calls it the ugliest uniform ever and I think I have to agree. It's the uniform that the Eagles wore back in 1933 and it basically makes me very happy that I wasn't alive back then to see it.

Baby Blue is a tough color to pull of in the NFL and mixing it with that shade of yellow will probably just help to give little Chinese kids seizures. So either the Eagles hate the fact that your eyes are still in good shape, or they just want to blind the hell out of the Detroit Lions players this Sunday and finally get their first win of the year.

Whatever it is, I advise you to not look directly at them...

Falcons doing their best to score double digit points someday

I admitted last Sunday that I think that my Dolphins are the worst team in football. The reality of it hurts, much like a prostate exam from this fine gentleman, but this team sucks some big goat testicles right now. Well, after giving it some thought, I'll go out on a limb and say that the Dolphins are not the absolute worst team out there right now.

Minnesota tried Brooks Bollinger on Sunday, meaning that they should be banned to the Arena League. The Chiefs are a hazzard to everyone's eye sight, as is J.P. Losman and the Bills...but there's one team that's really shitting themselves uncontrollably. You guessed it, Peter King's fantasy team the Atlanta Falcons....

In the first two games, Miami has at least scored a combined 33 points. Atlanta's woeful offense has managed just 10 points and I don't think we can be surprised since Joey Harrington is lining up back there. The Falcons have realized that they probably need to score double digits in a game at some point this season and have decided to sign Byron Leftwich and kicker Morten Andersen. Thrilling.

Leftwich is definitely an upgrade over Harrington but that's not saying much because right now Pat Summerall would be an upgrade over Harrington. I believe Leftwich will be starting soon, but I'll still rank Atlanta a tad below Miami.

Why you ask? Well, both teams have anemic offenses, crappy offensive lines, first year head coaches, receivers that like to play "drop" and quarterbacks that don't scare anyone. Only difference is that Miami has a much stronger defense and it would probably lead to Miami winning if both teams lined up against each other right now.(that's what I'm trying to convince myself)

Actually, if those two teams lined up tomorrow, they're collective crap fest would create some sort of time space continuum breach and the universe would implode, taking Peyton Manning and his massive forehead with it.

So yeah, at least we're not the most pathetic of the bunch. Thanks Mike Vick. Couldn't have done it without your fine career choices.