I know that no one cares about other people's fantasy teams, but I need to act like an Eric Mangini sized douche and mention this.
Remember that I said that I was going up against a team that had Tom Brady and Randy Moss on it in the first round of the play-offs? Well, I still trucked dat noob by 30 points.
Thank you. That is all...
The new "Rundown" is up. I stick to kicking Peter King this week as I mock his Montclair Wombats fantasy football team one more time.
Please note some of the fantasy studs that Tubby Maguire passed up in his quest for mediocrity.
Since I haven't written since last Wednesday, I'm going to do an extra long Peter King bash post today.
I'm going to combine the Monday Morning stupidity with the usual fantasy drivel he spews out on Friday for double the fun this week.
So, let's have a look at MMQB first...
Very big week for the Pats. They enter a hornet's-nest tonight in downtown Baltimore. I know it should be easy, but there's something about playing the Ravens in prime time with a pumped crowd readying for their last meaningful game of the season.
Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and Kelly Gregg will not allow a rout
The mark of a good quarterback is one who plays poorly for three quarters -- and Eli Manning had played poorly for seven in a row -- and then comes back when all hope appears lost. Manning led New York on two late drives to keep it in the driver's seat for one of the two NFC wild-card slots.
Leon Washington. Joe Washington. Same guy. If you're 45 or older, you see that.
Good A.J. Feeley: He directed the Eagles to 52 points against the Pats and 'Hawks the last two weeks. Bad Feeley: He threw seven interceptions in those two games.
Miami's going winless.
LaDainian Tomlinson is looking a lot like LaDainian Tomlinson again.
When I watch the Bills, I feel like I'm watching a bunch of guys who would play football for free.
Where did Roddy White come from? Ten more catches yesterday in St. Louis. Nice player.
The Bengals, Broncos, Chiefs and Saints signed their playoff death warrants Sunday. Yes, the same Saints I picked to play in the Super Bowl.
Things worked out for the BCS. Ohio State-LSU is the game I want to see for the marbles.
Coffeenerdness: My daughter Mary Beth informs me that The Barge, the campus coffeehouse at Colgate University and her employer, has shipped out two pounds of Colgate Blend to a South Dakota man, based on my review of the black gold in a recent column. You won't regret it, sir. That's a strong, delicious cup of Green Mountain coffee.
Ever have a "Stubbs?'' No? Your life is not complete. Had one for lunch on Wednesday in Texas. It's a bacon, sausage and egg sandwich, on thick Texas toast, from the Coppell Deli, named after the former Dallas Cowboy Dan Stubbs. Well worth the $4.95, because once you've eaten this monster, you won't be hungry for three days.
1. Be careful about expecting too much out of [Adrian] Peterson, who spent the week adjusting to playing with a knee brace. And do not bench Taylor if you've got him, because I see Brad Childress leaning toward splitting the load this week and next while Peterson gets back into good playing shape.
2. Pick up Tennessee's defense, or play it ahead of your other defense if you have two. Simplistic to say, but the Titans' D will return with a vengeance this weekend with Albert Haynesworth back in the lineup after his strained hammy. And don't expect Ron Dayne to do much after averaging 5.0 yards a carry over the last three weeks. Haynesworth eats guys like him for bedtime snacks.
5. Take a flyer on Jesse Chatman off the waiver wire if he's been dumped there. He was limited in practice this week, but the Dolphins need him to get off the schneid, and it sounds like he's going to try to give Miami 15 carries or so against an inconsistent Jets run defense.
6. No D.J. Hackett for Matt Hasselbeck and Mike Holmgren to gameplan with. So, I'd play Deion Branch and expect him to get eight catches in Philly. Games like this are why the Seahawks gave up a first-round pick for Branch.
7. I'd think hard about picking up Trent Dilfer and playing him this week. He's coming off his best game in years -- a 356-yard strafing of the Cards -- and the 49ers should be able to throw it on the packing-it-in Panthers.
8. It's going to be a painful weekend for the Redskins, taking the field so soon after the death of Sean Taylor. You always wonder how players with damaged psyches can come back and play a game so quickly. My theory is that the Bills are so beat up right now -- they lost defensive end Chris Kelsay this week, and will play their third straight game without Marshawn Lynch -- that Washington will be able to move the ball and let their inner inspiration work for them. I expect Clinton Portis, who thought of but decided against wearing Taylor's number 21 Sunday ("I can't live up to those expectations,'' he said), to play one of the best games of his life for his fallen friend.
Usually I mock Peter King's fantasy advice on Tuesday's, but he didn't mention anyone that is playing tonight, so I can just go ahead and run this now.
But before we start, I have to mention this quote from Peter again..
1. No one except maybe the '27 Yankees could beat the Patriots right now.
1. Lynch still had a walking boot on his foot today, and though he's saying he thinks he may be able to play, I'd say the chances of that are slim. Looking to pick someone up? I'd say rookie Dwayne Wright is a better choice than vet Anthony Thomas. I don't like the matchup of the plodding Thomas against New England's hammering front seven.
2. Dump Rudi Johnson if he still has trade value in your league. By all measures, the best back on the Bengals now is Kenny Watson, who is gaining 1.8 yards more per carry than Johnson.
4. Arizona offensive coordinator Maurice Carthon loves Arrington, and his touches have gone way up the last three weeks. I would look for him to get the ball in space 10 times in Cincinnati on Sunday. If you've got a flex spot open this weekend, Arrington might not be a bad pick. I could see him getting 80 yards and a touchdown.
5. How can Thomas Jones not have a touchdown right now? Ridiculous. With Pittsburgh cming to town and allowing a league-low 72 rushing yards per game, there's no worse play in the league this weekend than Jones. He's got to sit.
6. Play Dallas Clark, who has been practicing this week and seems to be over the concussion that sidelined him against the Chargers. Trade for him if your deadline hasn't come yet. I could see him catching 12 balls against Kansas City, what with the blanketing of Reggie Wayne continuing and the wideout injuries stunting the Indy passing game.
7. Derrick Mason's pathetic 9.0-yards-per-catch average is not all his fault, obviously. I think he'd be a good pickup this weekend if he's on the waiver wire in your league. Kyle Boller needs a wideout security blanket, he likes throwing to Mason, and the Browns -- surrendering 273 yards per game and an abominable 22 touchdowns through the air -- are coming to town for a game the Ravens must have.
8. Don't trust Mason? Here's a waiver guy for you: Koren Robinson. Brett Favre loves him and went out on a limb to make sure he got back with the Packers this season after all his substance abuse problems. Coach Mike McCarthy thinks Favre sees himself in Robinson, who is working hard with more passes are coming his way each week. With Carolina averaging a putrid 1.0 sacks per game, Favre should have enough time to find Robinson a few times Sunday.
9. Worried about the Colts offense? Don't be. All three tackles who were hurt last Sunday practiced fully on Friday, and Peyton Manning should not have the same kind of fire-drill game he endured in San Diego Sunday.
Mocking Peter King's fantasy advice has become a weekly thing around here. Take a mentally challenged Platypus, have him give you some fantasy advice and it would still be better than the recycled horse dung that Peter churns out.
So, let's have a look at this week and see if Peter can break his horrible cycle...
1. If the trading deadline in your league has not passed, I'd recommend dealing for Lee Evans, and either dealing for or claiming J.P. Losman off waivers.
2. Speaking of Calvin Johnson, he's obviously been a non-factor for those of you who picked him high, and you're certainly right to be disappointed. But back injuries are funny things. I think he'll still give you some production. This was the first week of practice in about seven weeks where he's felt fully ready to contribute, so if you have a third wideout slot and you want to take a chance, the Lions are at Arizona. This is a trap game for Detroit. I like Arizona, but this could be the week Johnson finally looks like the first pick in the draft.
3. One other piece of pre-trade-deadline advice: deal Steve Smith. Five catches in his last two weeks. A non-factor. Short stuff. If Vinny Testaverde come back, Smith will catch more, but you never can tell how long that will last because Vinny turns 44 in two weeks. If you can get a good player for Smith, pull the trigger.
4. Lance Moore, David Patten. Pick one. And pick one up. With Drew Brees' revival, and Devery Henderson's penchant for dropping one easy catch per week, Moore and Patten will be the trusted targets down the stretch, behind Marques Colston.
6. Don't give up on Jay Cutler for the year. He's got some good secondaries to throw against down the stretch, and you can be sure that Mike Shanahan, with the season basically down the drain, is going to make sure he gives Cutler 200 to 240 throws in the second half of the schedule. He'll put up some very good, if inconsistent, numbers.
7. Of the Colts' top four receiving weapons -- Dallas Clark, Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Anthony Gonzalez -- only Wayne practiced on Thursday. I'd anticipate that Harrison will play at San Diego as it's a grass field and he probably could have gone last week against the Patriots except that Tony Dungy wanted to preserve him for the rest of the year. Not saying I'd pick him up, but Chief-for-a-moment Craphonso Thorpe had a good week in practice.
9. You know Dallas is going to score against the Giants. You might be surprised how it'll be done. I don't see a big day for Terrell Owens, but I do see big things for Jason Witten because Tony Romo will be chased. Half the time he's in trouble he slips the ball to his hot receiver (most often the running back) or to Witten. I see a nine-catch day for the occasionally helmetless tight end.
10. Remember Kolby Smith? I preached about him earlier this season as a back Herman Edwards loved and said that Smith would eventually get a shot to play a decent role. Eventually might be now. Smith is the insurance policy in the event that Priest Holmes can't carry the mail for four quarters this week against Denver. And we all know he can't. Pick up Smith if you've got a roster spot empty.
When I wake up in the morning, I don't really set out to mock Peter King at every chance I get but the man makes it way too easy.
I mentioned this in the previous post, but it was so awkward and so strange that I just have to put it here again...
j. Jacoby Ellsbury might be a young Steve Nash.
1. I wrote in my picks this week that McNair has 42 touchdown passes in his last 42 games. So, uh, going into Pittsburgh, he's not a good pick this week. Do not pick him up. I'd rather take Joey Harrington this week.
3. Marvin Harrison? Law of the jungle if he plays. The Patriots will try to knock the snot out of him. Pass. Play Anthony Gonzales instead. Hey, did you know the Patriots loved Anthony Gonzales before the draft? Now the Buckeye will be the real wild card in whether the Colts can win this game.
4. Tight end with the best numbers in week nine: Dallas Clark. Book it. He'll be where Peyton Manning loves to see a receiver when the touch pass rush comes -- in the slot -- and Manning will know he'll catch anything in his area code.
7. Jay Cutler, Jay Cutler, Jay Cutler. Trade for him if you're in a two-quarterback league. He's going to put up good numbers the rest of the way, starting Sunday against the Lions.
8. Hmmmm. I know you already took my Dallas Clark advice, but one more tight end to pick up Sunday is Owen Daniels of Houston. Sage Rosenfels is going to need a security blanket against the Oakland blitz, and Daniels will be it.
9. Chris Chambers is about to be a very famous wide receiver. This is the week he starts producing big for Philip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers.
So, it was a pretty dreadful day yesterday again. You know how it went down. The Red Sox swept their way to another title on the same day that the Patriots somehow cemented themselves as this evil entity. New Enlgand has now reached that Madden level where they can score and toy with you at will and there's just no stopping it.
I never really minded the Pats, but after the camera thing, the teams that keep saying that their headsets lose communication and opponents complaining that Belichick doesn't respect the game and runs up the score...you kinda wish that Kimo von Oelhoffen would take a dive at mister Brady's knees.
So now the Pats open up as a 4 point favorite for the game against Indy. Please wrap your mind around that. Indy is the defending Super Bowl champs, they are 8-0 so far and they just beat a division leader by 24 on the road while missing one of their main weapons. And somehow them being 4-point dog seems too low even.
That's basically how good and how evil this Patriot team has become. I mean, is one city really allowed so much joy within a 1 week period? Can the baseball team sweep a second World Series title in 4 years while the football team is on its way to doing stuff you're only supposed to do in a video game? And I'm not even considering the fact that the Celtics will unveil KG and Ray Allen this week and that Boston College is # 2 in the BCS all while being led by the Heisman favorite.
So yes, everything sucks for the rest of us and I'm just going to do now what comes naturally over here. You guessed it, we're going to mock Peter King just because it's entertaining.
Peter's fantasy advice was horrible last week but it was a lot better this time around. Even though he had some bombs (Adrian Peterson, Vince Young, Osi Umenyiora), he did hit on a couple (Kevin Jones, Steven Jackson, Marc Bulger, Wes Welker).
But there was one real gem in between all of that..
9. I may regret saying this. In fact, I probably will. But Brian Griese has some confident receivers in the huddle right now in the wake of his heroic last-minute save of the Bears' season at Philadelphia last week. I can see him going off for 340 and three touchdowns against the Lions.
I may be depressed as shit right now but there's one thing that can cheer me up a little and that is ridiculing Peter King's week 7 fantasy football tips.
So yeah, let's see how Peterson's great predictions played out this weekend...
Need a quarterback with the bye season in full swing? You'll hate me for saying this, but pick up Byron Leftwich. That starts my fantasy advice for the weekend.
The 10 weekly wise man's tips:
1. Why Leftwich? Simple. New Orleans isn't rushing the passer well, Leftwich is playing for his future and is supremely motivated, and he's been throwing the ball superbly in practice. That and $4.50 will buy you a triple latte, but he's going to be firing the pill all over the Superdome, and I like his chance to pass for 250 yards ... especially with Joe Horn returning to New Orleans, aiming to gain about 1,000 yards.
2. I have said it all week: Do not bench Vince Young. He won't be in great shape, but it will take an amputation for him not to play at Houston on Sunday.
4. Don't look for Michael Pittman to return until Nov. 18, after the Bucs' bye week. That means you should run, not walk, to pick up Michael Bennett, if the dolts in your league have left him on the waiver wire this long. Bennett's going to get the ball a lot, starting Sunday in Detroit.
6. I've never been a big Chris Chambers fan, because I think he should play better than he's played. Having said that, the change in environment, from a loser to a winner, is going to change this kid's life -- as will being surrounded by players who are better than he is. Challenge is a wonderful thing, sometimes.
8. I'd love to tell you to play all of your Redskins this weekend with Arizona in town, but I can't -- not with an offensive line that has to be scotch-taped together to make it through a game. Play Jason Campbell if you must, because he's coming on like gangbusters. (How, exactly, do "gangbusters'' come on?) Sit the rest of your 'Skins.
9. Got Thomas Jones? You will be thrilled to death Sunday night. In fact, with Cincinnati and Buffalo on the schedule the next two weeks, and the Jets in QB-protection mode, this is the time to trade for Jones.
Noted "fantasy expert" Peter King giving this week's fantasy football tips...
2. This is the week for the Redskins' Clinton Portis to make the quantum leap to big fantasy player. He's playing the Lions, he finally feels close to normal, and Joe Gibbs is going to feed him a lot.
We're 3 weeks into the season and I haven't really talked mentioned anything fantasy football related yet and there's a reason for that. My teams are raping ass so far and I'm just sitting back quietly and enjoying it...but this just needs to be shared.
I came with this strategy that I'm just going to decline every trade that is proposed to me unless that it's something that will give me an immediate erection. This strategy is basically the result of two of the worst trades that have ever been made in fantasy history. First, there was my Chad Johnson trade that should have me banned from fantasy sports forever, and there's the A-Rod trade I made back in April. (yes, for those of you that don't know...I traded away A-Rod before the season started. Fuck me upside down).
So yeah, that has scarred me to the point where I am now. I'm very hesitant to pull any trigger but I've gotten some offers the past week that have just been mind-boggling. I kid you not. A few of the proposals were shitty but made me actually consider them for a few minutes. I'll give an example...
I was offered Trent Green (37-year old qb on the worst team in AFC) and Shaun McDonald (4th receiver in Detroit) and Kevin Jones (guy returning from major foot injury and that now will be splitting carries with Tatum Bell) for Drew Brees and Plaxico Burress.
Now, I considered this for a minute but then I told this guy to please choke on my gooch. But nothing could've prepared me for these....two proposals straight out of the Matt Millen league of losers.
For those of you that read this site regularly, you must probably think that I hate Peter King. Well, I don't hate Peter King, I really don't. It just amuses me that a Sports Illustrated "senior NFL writer" comes up with the things that Peter sometimes brings to the table.
Today's fun comes courtesy of Peter's fantasy football team over at the SI football Fantasy Mock Draft. Now, I certainly don't pretend to be some expert on fantasy football because my team usually gets pounded like a Vietnamese hooker, but I do think that I can draft better than mister King.
Round 1 (8 overall)
Marshawn Lynch, RB
Bills coordinator Steve Fairchild, a Mike Martz guy, sees Marshall Faulk in Lynch.Round 2 (17)
Adrian Peterson, RB
As you can see, I'm not afraid of drafting rookie running backs.
Round 3 (32)
Jon Kitna, QB
This is what I project for him in 2007: 4,467 yards, 25 touchdowns -- and 18 picks.
Round 9 (104)
Jaguars D
The best defense no one pays attention to. Ever hear of Bobby McCray?
With the football season right around the corner, it's time to start preparing for what really matters and that is fantasy football. I don't know what it is about fantasy football that gets people so riled up but you can count me into that group.
Seriously, the other fantasy sports just don't have that element of making you want to assault someone like fantasy football does. That said, I'm looking to bounce back from the weekly floggings I got last season and I've made this list of pointers that I'm going to keep myself to.
1. Have some sort of strategy going into your draft.
It may sound cool to tell your buddies that you're going to "wing it" and that you have no strategy for your draft but in the end it will work out as good as having unprotected sex with Britney Spears. You will die a slow, disease infested and regretful death. Trust me on this one because I've been there.
That cocky bullshit may work in fantasy basketball because let's face it, fantasy basketball is as easy as Paris Hilton. But yeah, just try and wing your football draft. Before you know it you'll have a team that consists of Chris Redman, Brandon Lloyd, three kickers and that funny fat guy in Smokin' Aces.
2. If there are warning signs somewhere, don't talk yourself into drafting that player.
Example. "Man, Daunte Culpepper is going to be the balls this year. I don't care that his knee was destroyed and that he's probably rushing it to get back onto the field. He's going to prove everyone that's doubting him wrong and put up those numbers like he did in '04."
WRONG. And here's another example. "Arizona's offensive line sucks like a Korean hooker but Edgerrin James has a chip on his shoulder and he's going to prove that he's still an elite back. He's going to make Indy regret letting him go".
Yeah, wrong again Frodo. If you really have to work so hard to convince yourself, it's not worth it.
3. If you're going to take a running back from a platoon, make sure to have the one that's going to get the goal-line carries.
Yeah, it's lovely to have Tiki Barber putting up 160 total yards every week, but Brandon Jacobs is still the one walking away with the 2 Td's. This is also known as "the Marion Barber rule" and "the Maurice Jones-Drew rule".
4. Do not listen to Peter King.
No explanation needed here. I'll admit that I followed Peter's fantasy advice once and sadly it was the reason I missed making my league play-offs. Peter King is to fantasy football what Mike Vick and Pacman Jones are to career advice.
5. Do not trade away a proven star if you're not getting equal value in return.
Chad Johnson for Warrick Dunn and what's left of Eric Moulds is not equal value. This is known as getting fleeced and if you are dumb enough to accept this trade, then you deserve the brutal rectum pounding that you'll be getting every week.
And yes, I was dumb enough to accept this trade and I finished 6th while the other fine gentleman ran away with the league title. As you can see, you get what you deserve...
6. Do not draft someone that just made it onto the cover of "Madden".
This is also known now as pulling a "Jay". Jay was picking first overall last season and had the choice between LT and Shaun Alexander. Jay went with the Madden cover boy and his testicles have been residing in his stomach ever since. The fact that LT actually went on to set records also didn't help either.
7. If your gut tells you that your team sucks, then your team sucks.
Also something I'm guilty of plenty of times. Deep down you know that your team sucks whale testicles but you keep telling myself that it's going to turn around sooner or later. No, no it won't turn around sooner or later because you're starting Bubba Franks and James Trash. You have as much chance as Barbaro at next year's Preakness. It's time to work that free agent list...
So yes, keeping yourself to these points won't guarantee victory, but at least the bleeding will remain internal.
There are ONLY 45 days until the 2007 football season kicks off on September 6th, so with that in mind I'd like to present my Top 10 list of things to watch out for as you select your squad this summer.
With the football season not so far away, it's time for me to start obsessing about Fantasy Football again. I dunno, it's ironic when you're obsessed with something that you suck donkey balls at. And yes, I know that no one cares about other people's fantasy team...but it's my blog and I'll do whatever the hell I want.
Either way, back to the point. I think I'm just going to use my first pick on Jon Kitna. Kitna sees the Lions as a 10-12 win team, Mike Furrey-ious thinks they'll make the play-offs, and now Kitna has said that he'll toss 50 touchdown passes this season.
I took a chance on Drew Brees last year, got mocked by my own mother for it, kept hearing all this crap that he has a bad shoulder and in the end Drew whipped out his big member and tapped it gently on everyone's chin...just to remind us that he's as awesome as a breakdancing lemur.
So, I guess I'll take that rout again. There's no way the Lions will win 10 games right...and there's no way Kitna even throws 35 TD's right?? Well yeah, of course they won't, but I'm going to suck anyways and I might as well have some fun with it.
And since we're on the subject already, here are some other things that Kitna will achieve this year.
It's been a busy weekend in sports so far. Most of the good bloggers are probably writing smart and informative posts regarding Tank Johnson's clubbing habbits, T.O. spitting in DeAngelo Hall's face and the Knicks/Nuggets brawl. But you know better than to expect quality writing over here. So yes, let me just get to the observations and get it over with...
Last night marked the end of my brutal fantasy season in our Braves Journal League. I missed the play-offs by 2 games and instead of taking responsibility for my horrible management, I'm basically blaming everything on Peter King. Why do ask?
Well, let's take a look back at how all of this came to stand.
Phase 1 : The Horrible Fantasy Draft
Things started off very bad that faithful August night. I had no plan, no draft rankings, no idea of what I was going to do and the result was an anal fleecing. In a deep league where you need to get the best value for your picks, I ended up with 2 kickers along with Bubba Franks, Mike Anderson and Travis Taylor. Even Matt Millen saw how messed up that was.
Matt Millen : "Shit son, that draft was messed up"
Davey : "Sigh..."
Phase 2 : Denial
This is where I started to reason positively about my picks. I sat for hours and hours trying to look at the bright side and convincing myself that I actually did a good job.
"Well, Edgerrin James is going to prove that he can succeed outside of Indy. Besides, the Cards have nice weapons on offense, so James will put up big numbers."
"The Titans will suck but Billy Volek will be throwing to Drew Bennett all day loooong."
"Chris Perry should be a good second running back. He'll get carries, he'll catch some passes out of the back-field and he'll even return some kicks probably. Sweet.
"Troy Williamson should get plenty of chances in that
