Planes are fast, cars....not so much

A rather bland Monday Morning Quarterback today from Peter King but as usual, he's good for a few comments that will make you want to castrate a lion...

Brett Favre flew from Green Bay to the Teterboro Airport in suburban New Jersey late last Tuesday afternoon, then was driven into New York to accept the Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year award that night.

The first 756 miles of the trip, in the air, took 105 minutes.

The last eight miles of the trip, on the ground during rush hour, took 65 minutes.

That's 432 mph on phase one of the trip, 7 mph on the second leg.

Yeah, I never would have guessed that a plane travels faster than a car. And am I the only one who's disturbed by the fact that King counts the minutes on Favre's trips??

c. Whatever happened to Matt Leinart? Has he been kidnapped?

Leinart fractured his collarbone back in October and was placed on injured reserve. That's why Kurt Warner has been getting the starts. I dunno but you'd think that SI's Senior Football Writer would know this...

f. How, exactly, will NFL Films put a highlight film together for the Miami Dolphins?

Oh fuck off...

h. You are the luckiest man on the face of the earth this morning, Brandon Jacobs. Plaxico Burress and the officials bailed you out in a big way Sunday.

I really doubt that Brandon Jacobs should be considered the luckiest person on earth this morning. There were probably a countless amount of people involved in life or death situations yesterfday who should consider themselves lucky today. Not a guy playing a game...

I might as well rename the site

So, I guess I might as well rename this site "Peterkingcangosuckacockflavoredlollipop.com" because I seem to only be writing about Baby Beluga these days.

Now, what did Captain Cholesterol do this time you ask? Well, he picked Pittsburgh to beat New England but what got me were his reasons why the Steelers will win.

See, I had been saying for a few weeks now that Pitt could give New England trouble and I actually did pick Pittsburgh in my pick'em pools this week, but Peter's reasoning blew my mind.

He took simple common sense and donkey punched it...

4. Hines Ward's will to win. The dude leads the league in it.

Yes, the Steelers will win because of Hines Ward incredible amount of will and because you know, no one on the Patriots has any will to win. So according to Peter, not only does Tony Romo lead the league in smiling...but Hines Ward leads the league in "will to win".

Amazing. I actually feel dumber after reading that. I feel like my mind has regressed with big strides after reading that insanely stupid statement. Everything I have accomplished in life means nothing anymore after reading that shit.

Ah well, this obviously means that Pittsburgh has been reamed in the ass by the Peter King curse and that they probably will go winless for the rest of the season. Hines Ward will shred his knee, Big Ben will get a case of gout and Troy Polamalu will end up playing shortstop for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

The Fanhouse and Fire Joe Morgan have also had their share of fun with this and it only illustrates how ridiculous the man has become.

Remember now, he called them the Wombats

The new "Rundown" is up. I stick to kicking Peter King this week as I mock his Montclair Wombats fantasy football team one more time.

Please note some of the fantasy studs that Tubby Maguire passed up in his quest for mediocrity.

Hey look, a post...

Since I haven't written since last Wednesday, I'm going to do an extra long Peter King bash post today.

I'm going to combine the Monday Morning stupidity with the usual fantasy drivel he spews out on Friday for double the fun this week.

So, let's have a look at MMQB first...

Very big week for the Pats. They enter a hornet's-nest tonight in downtown Baltimore. I know it should be easy, but there's something about playing the Ravens in prime time with a pumped crowd readying for their last meaningful game of the season.

Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and Kelly Gregg will not allow a rout

I maybe wrong, but Peter said the same thing about the Ravens playing in prime time against the Steelers a few weeks ago and we all know how that ended up.

And I love the fact that just 3 guys (Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and Kelly Gregg) can somehow stop New England from running crazy. Never mind a game plan, never mind an offense would have to run ball and control the clock, never mind a total effort from the entire defense...nope, just those 3 guys can do it.

The mark of a good quarterback is one who plays poorly for three quarters -- and Eli Manning had played poorly for seven in a row -- and then comes back when all hope appears lost. Manning led New York on two late drives to keep it in the driver's seat for one of the two NFC wild-card slots.

Play 3 horrible quarters, get bailed out because the opposing offense is even more lethargic than your own.....hang on for dear life at the end and you have yourself a good quarterback according to Peter King.

Leon Washington. Joe Washington. Same guy. If you're 45 or older, you see that.

........... (mind is wandering)

Good A.J. Feeley: He directed the Eagles to 52 points against the Pats and 'Hawks the last two weeks. Bad Feeley: He threw seven interceptions in those two games.

Good A.J. Feeley never existed. It's a myth. Miami gave up valuable draft picks for Feeley a few years ago and learned this lesson the hard way. It's one of the reasons why they are 0-12 right now.

Miami's going winless.

It took you 13 weeks to realize this?

LaDainian Tomlinson is looking a lot like LaDainian Tomlinson again.

Yeah, before yesterday he looked a lot like Joan Rivers is you ask me....

When I watch the Bills, I feel like I'm watching a bunch of guys who would play football for free.

Beat an emotionally drained team by 1 point on a last second field goal (while being aided by a coaching gaffe) and you're suddenly a team that would play football for free. SI's senior football writer at his best folks...

And yeah, ask Willis McGahee if he wanted to play for free in Bufallo. Ask Nate Clements. Ask J.P. Losman if he wants to stay for free when his contract is up soon...

Where did Roddy White come from? Ten more catches yesterday in St. Louis. Nice player.

Roddy White came from the University of Alabama-Birmingham. He was a first round pick in 2005 and has already played in 44 career games. Most of us have heard of him...

The Bengals, Broncos, Chiefs and Saints signed their playoff death warrants Sunday. Yes, the same Saints I picked to play in the Super Bowl.

The Peter King curse folks, in full effect. Remember now, I called this back in June.

Things worked out for the BCS. Ohio State-LSU is the game I want to see for the marbles.

I'm pretty sure you're the only person outside of Baton Rouge and Columbus Ohio that feels like this...

Coffeenerdness: My daughter Mary Beth informs me that The Barge, the campus coffeehouse at Colgate University and her employer, has shipped out two pounds of Colgate Blend to a South Dakota man, based on my review of the black gold in a recent column. You won't regret it, sir. That's a strong, delicious cup of Green Mountain coffee.

I want to fight a diseased infested grizzly bear right now. That's how irritated I get by this shit. Fuck me in the liver, when will it ever stop???

Ever have a "Stubbs?'' No? Your life is not complete. Had one for lunch on Wednesday in Texas. It's a bacon, sausage and egg sandwich, on thick Texas toast, from the Coppell Deli, named after the former Dallas Cowboy Dan Stubbs. Well worth the $4.95, because once you've eaten this monster, you won't be hungry for three days.

Unless you're Peter King. Then you'd be hungry again after 3 hours.

Man o man, what a bag of shit that was. That was a bag of shit that was left to stew in the sun for about 2 weeks. And there are somehow still people out there that genuinely enjoy reading this stuff. Amazing really....

Ah well, let's have a look at the train wreck that is Peter King and fantasy football...

1. Be careful about expecting too much out of [Adrian] Peterson, who spent the week adjusting to playing with a knee brace. And do not bench Taylor if you've got him, because I see Brad Childress leaning toward splitting the load this week and next while Peterson gets back into good playing shape.

Actually a good call here by mister butter pants. Taylor and Peterson split the carries but as for not expecting much out of AP...how's about 15 rushes for 116 yards and 2 Td's.

2. Pick up Tennessee's defense, or play it ahead of your other defense if you have two. Simplistic to say, but the Titans' D will return with a vengeance this weekend with Albert Haynesworth back in the lineup after his strained hammy. And don't expect Ron Dayne to do much after averaging 5.0 yards a carry over the last three weeks. Haynesworth eats guys like him for bedtime snacks.

Tennesse's defense allowed 20 points and only managed 1 pick and 2 sacks. Ron Dayne on the other hand had 86 yards and a touchdown. Not exactly what I would call a bedtime snack.

5. Take a flyer on Jesse Chatman off the waiver wire if he's been dumped there. He was limited in practice this week, but the Dolphins need him to get off the schneid, and it sounds like he's going to try to give Miami 15 carries or so against an inconsistent Jets run defense.

Jesse Chatman : 11 carries, 26 yards and 1 injury. The Peter King curse is a ruthless villain.

6. No D.J. Hackett for Matt Hasselbeck and Mike Holmgren to gameplan with. So, I'd play Deion Branch and expect him to get eight catches in Philly. Games like this are why the Seahawks gave up a first-round pick for Branch.

Deion Branch : 5 catches, 40 yards, 0 times in the endzone. You heard it folks, the Seahawks gave up a first round pick for marginal production like that...

7. I'd think hard about picking up Trent Dilfer and playing him this week. He's coming off his best game in years -- a 356-yard strafing of the Cards -- and the 49ers should be able to throw it on the packing-it-in Panthers.

Did ANYONE even consider starting Dilfer this week? I had the choice between Dilfer and getting 0 points from McNabb. I went with 0 points from McNabb and it looks like that was the right thing to do.

Dilfer : 171 yards, 2 touchdowns and 4 picks. Anyone thats dumb enough to consider Dilfer should get kicked in the kneecaps by a Centaur.

8. It's going to be a painful weekend for the Redskins, taking the field so soon after the death of Sean Taylor. You always wonder how players with damaged psyches can come back and play a game so quickly. My theory is that the Bills are so beat up right now -- they lost defensive end Chris Kelsay this week, and will play their third straight game without Marshawn Lynch -- that Washington will be able to move the ball and let their inner inspiration work for them. I expect Clinton Portis, who thought of but decided against wearing Taylor's number 21 Sunday ("I can't live up to those expectations,'' he said), to play one of the best games of his life for his fallen friend.

Clinton Portis : 25 carries, 50 yards and 1 TD. Far from the best game of his life. As for Peter King and horrible football columns, we get those every single week.

Coffeenerdness!?!

Consider it "Peter King day" over here. I'm trying to write my "Rundown" column but Peter is just messing with my mind. Horrible, I know.

Well, these guys have the right idea though. The created a blog dedicated to nothing but Peter King mockage. Pure, awesome, mockage. That's a winner in my book folks.

So check it out and check it out often.

Yeah, let's all pick up Dwayne Wright

Usually I mock Peter King's fantasy advice on Tuesday's, but he didn't mention anyone that is playing tonight, so I can just go ahead and run this now.

But before we start, I have to mention this quote from Peter again..

1. No one except maybe the '27 Yankees could beat the Patriots right now.

Personally, I think that the '96 Bulls could also beat them right now. Maybe the '01 Miami Hurricanes and the '86 Celtics. But yeah, if there's one team that can beat New England right now, it's the '27 Yankees. Good call Pete.

Either way, on to the fantasy train wreck that is Peter King...

1. Lynch still had a walking boot on his foot today, and though he's saying he thinks he may be able to play, I'd say the chances of that are slim. Looking to pick someone up? I'd say rookie Dwayne Wright is a better choice than vet Anthony Thomas. I don't like the matchup of the plodding Thomas against New England's hammering front seven.

Dwayne Wright : 1 carrie, 1 yard, 1 fumble. I mean, you can't start a fantasy advice column better than that. You really can't. And for the record, Thomas did have a better game than Wright as he got 11 carries and 31 yards.

2. Dump Rudi Johnson if he still has trade value in your league. By all measures, the best back on the Bengals now is Kenny Watson, who is gaining 1.8 yards more per carry than Johnson.

Decent call here. Watson finished with 9 carries for 45 yards while Johnson got 8 carries and only finished with 25 yards rushing.

4. Arizona offensive coordinator Maurice Carthon loves Arrington, and his touches have gone way up the last three weeks. I would look for him to get the ball in space 10 times in Cincinnati on Sunday. If you've got a flex spot open this weekend, Arrington might not be a bad pick. I could see him getting 80 yards and a touchdown.

If you actually followed this advice, I'm sure that you want to stab Peter in his chin right now.

Arrington : 1 catch for 3 yards to go along with 0 carries for 0 yards on the ground. Peter was slightly off here to say the least...

5. How can Thomas Jones not have a touchdown right now? Ridiculous. With Pittsburgh cming to town and allowing a league-low 72 rushing yards per game, there's no worse play in the league this weekend than Jones. He's got to sit.

This is the sheer power of the Peter King curse folks. Like I've said before. Take the Madden curse, let it have a violent orgy with SI Cover curse and you get something that resembles the Peter King curse.

King tells us to sit Thomas Jones and Jones promptly goes out and rushes for 117 yards on 30 carries.

Bonus points for the fact that it snapped Pittsburgh's 34 game streak of not allowing a 100-yard rusher.

6. Play Dallas Clark, who has been practicing this week and seems to be over the concussion that sidelined him against the Chargers. Trade for him if your deadline hasn't come yet. I could see him catching 12 balls against Kansas City, what with the blanketing of Reggie Wayne continuing and the wideout injuries stunting the Indy passing game.

Dallas Clark : 3 catches, 15 yards.

7. Derrick Mason's pathetic 9.0-yards-per-catch average is not all his fault, obviously. I think he'd be a good pickup this weekend if he's on the waiver wire in your league. Kyle Boller needs a wideout security blanket, he likes throwing to Mason, and the Browns -- surrendering 273 yards per game and an abominable 22 touchdowns through the air -- are coming to town for a game the Ravens must have.

Ah, finally a little redemption for Peter. Mason finished with 6 catches for 83 yards. No touchdowns though..

8. Don't trust Mason? Here's a waiver guy for you: Koren Robinson. Brett Favre loves him and went out on a limb to make sure he got back with the Packers this season after all his substance abuse problems. Coach Mike McCarthy thinks Favre sees himself in Robinson, who is working hard with more passes are coming his way each week. With Carolina averaging a putrid 1.0 sacks per game, Favre should have enough time to find Robinson a few times Sunday.

Koren Robinson : 0 catches.

Yeah, Brett Favre reaaalllly loves him.

9. Worried about the Colts offense? Don't be. All three tackles who were hurt last Sunday practiced fully on Friday, and Peyton Manning should not have the same kind of fire-drill game he endured in San Diego Sunday.

Manning : 16-32, 163 yards to go along with 0 Td's and 1 pick. As for the Colts offense, a pathetic 13 point showing at home against KC.

This was by far Peter's worst column yet. I mean, it's come to the point where you have to do the exact opposite of what he says.

Another week, another pathetic showing

Mocking Peter King's fantasy advice has become a weekly thing around here. Take a mentally challenged Platypus, have him give you some fantasy advice and it would still be better than the recycled horse dung that Peter churns out.

So, let's have a look at this week and see if Peter can break his horrible cycle...

1. If the trading deadline in your league has not passed, I'd recommend dealing for Lee Evans, and either dealing for or claiming J.P. Losman off waivers.

J.P. Losman : 12-23, 156 yards, 0 touchdowns and 1 INT
Lee Evans : 4 catches, 65 yards, 0 touchdowns

Shaky start for Peter here. Meanwhile, the Platypus recommended Marc Bulger and Torry Holt and he's now swimming around in more poon than you can imagine.

2. Speaking of Calvin Johnson, he's obviously been a non-factor for those of you who picked him high, and you're certainly right to be disappointed. But back injuries are funny things. I think he'll still give you some production. This was the first week of practice in about seven weeks where he's felt fully ready to contribute, so if you have a third wideout slot and you want to take a chance, the Lions are at Arizona. This is a trap game for Detroit. I like Arizona, but this could be the week Johnson finally looks like the first pick in the draft.

I may be mistaken here, but Calvin was the second pick in the draft, not the first. Either way, he didn't look very good out there. 3 catches, 37 yards and 0 Td's.

The Platypus went with Brian Westbrook and is still pissing pure, 100 % excellence as we speak.

3. One other piece of pre-trade-deadline advice: deal Steve Smith. Five catches in his last two weeks. A non-factor. Short stuff. If Vinny Testaverde come back, Smith will catch more, but you never can tell how long that will last because Vinny turns 44 in two weeks. If you can get a good player for Smith, pull the trigger.

This actually makes a little sense. I was going to bench Smith on Sunday but at the last minute I started him anyways and he rewarded me with a mediocre 5 catch, 61 yard performance and 0 Td's. Decent call by Peterson.

4. Lance Moore, David Patten. Pick one. And pick one up. With Drew Brees' revival, and Devery Henderson's penchant for dropping one easy catch per week, Moore and Patten will be the trusted targets down the stretch, behind Marques Colston.

Ah. He's back to sucking donkey testicles.

Lance Moore : 1 catch. 12 yards. 0 touchdowns
David Patten : 3 catches. 37 yards. 0 touchdowns.

I'm glad I didn't pick any of those guys. The Platypus on the other hand told me to with Patrick Crayton and it paid off big time..

6. Don't give up on Jay Cutler for the year. He's got some good secondaries to throw against down the stretch, and you can be sure that Mike Shanahan, with the season basically down the drain, is going to make sure he gives Cutler 200 to 240 throws in the second half of the schedule. He'll put up some very good, if inconsistent, numbers.

Cutler went 17-29 with 192 yards to go along with 1 Td and 1 pick. Consistently mediocre if you ask me.

7. Of the Colts' top four receiving weapons -- Dallas Clark, Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Anthony Gonzalez -- only Wayne practiced on Thursday. I'd anticipate that Harrison will play at San Diego as it's a grass field and he probably could have gone last week against the Patriots except that Tony Dungy wanted to preserve him for the rest of the year. Not saying I'd pick him up, but Chief-for-a-moment Craphonso Thorpe had a good week in practice.

CRAPhonse Thrope : 5 catches for 41 yards and 0 Td's. I'm pretty sure that Peter was the only person in the world who contemplated picking up CRAPhonso Thorpe. CRAPhonso Thorpe didn't even start himself on Sunday...

9. You know Dallas is going to score against the Giants. You might be surprised how it'll be done. I don't see a big day for Terrell Owens, but I do see big things for Jason Witten because Tony Romo will be chased. Half the time he's in trouble he slips the ball to his hot receiver (most often the running back) or to Witten. I see a nine-catch day for the occasionally helmetless tight end.

If by big things you mean 2 catches for 12 yards, then you are right on the money sir. Great call. And by "great" I mean that I want to light him on fire now.

10. Remember Kolby Smith? I preached about him earlier this season as a back Herman Edwards loved and said that Smith would eventually get a shot to play a decent role. Eventually might be now. Smith is the insurance policy in the event that Priest Holmes can't carry the mail for four quarters this week against Denver. And we all know he can't. Pick up Smith if you've got a roster spot empty.

This one is my favorite of them all. Kolby Smith went nuts on Sunday as he busted out 2 rushes for 2 yards. I'll repeat it again. Smith ran for a grand total of 2 yards. Way to finish the column with a bang Peter...

Tune in next week when Peter recommends Akili Smith, Ray Lucas, Charles Rogers, Pacman Jones and that fat kid from Two and a Half Men.

It's alomost becoming too easy

Look, seriously, I don't want to mock Peter King every single day but it's just so tempting. He just sets it up and begs me to run with it...

Coach of the year, to me, is no contest right now. For the Bills to be 4-4 after their defense has been shredded by injury (and it wasn't a great defense to begin with) and to come back after the most devastating loss of the 2007 season (the debacle against Dallas) tells me one thing about the common-sense, flat-line Dick Jauron: If I owned a team, I'd want him to coach it.

Yeah, Dick Jauron has done a good job with this Bills team and the fact that they're 4-4 is pretty amazing but it's still Dick Jauron. He has a sparkling 45-62 career record as a head coach and if he really was that great, I think he would have somehow made all of those lousy Bears/Lions/Bills teams he has coached at least a bit decent.

Ask every owner in the league to give you a list with 3 coaches that they would want for their respective teams and I really don't think that Jauron would be on any of those.

The daily Peter King mocking

When I wake up in the morning, I don't really set out to mock Peter King at every chance I get but the man makes it way too easy.

I mentioned this in the previous post, but it was so awkward and so strange that I just have to put it here again...

j. Jacoby Ellsbury might be a young Steve Nash.

Please, please explain to me what that means because I seriously can't find anything about Jacoby Ellsbury that will remind me of Steve Nash.

Either way, Peter was horrible with his fantasy advice again this week. But there's one positive about his consistent ass-sucking and that is the humor that it brings to all of us.

So yeah, here are this week's blunders, courtesy of SI's senior football writer...

1. I wrote in my picks this week that McNair has 42 touchdown passes in his last 42 games. So, uh, going into Pittsburgh, he's not a good pick this week. Do not pick him up. I'd rather take Joey Harrington this week.

By saying that McNair only has 42 Td passes in his previous 42 games already shows you how average he has been since winning the Co-MVP thing. And now McNair and that pathetic Ravens offense will go against Pittsburgh, a team that prides itself on defense and they probably will be without Todd Heap again..

I don't think that anyone is playing Steve McNair tonight with any confidence whatsoever...

3. Marvin Harrison? Law of the jungle if he plays. The Patriots will try to knock the snot out of him. Pass. Play Anthony Gonzales instead. Hey, did you know the Patriots loved Anthony Gonzales before the draft? Now the Buckeye will be the real wild card in whether the Colts can win this game.

I may be wrong here but I think that the kid is called Anthony Gonzalez. And he really sparkled yesterday with his 1 catch for 13 yards. I mean, if you're going to blow Ted Washington sized chunks with your advice, at least get the name right..

4. Tight end with the best numbers in week nine: Dallas Clark. Book it. He'll be where Peyton Manning loves to see a receiver when the touch pass rush comes -- in the slot -- and Manning will know he'll catch anything in his area code.

Dallas Clark : 2 catches, 15 yards. Not really the best numbers in week nine if you ask me. But hey, check out the tight ends that I had going yesterday. Kellen Winslow, 11 catches for 125 and Tony Gonzalez, 10 catches for 109 and a score.

7. Jay Cutler, Jay Cutler, Jay Cutler. Trade for him if you're in a two-quarterback league. He's going to put up good numbers the rest of the way, starting Sunday against the Lions.

Cutler got hurt and only managed to throw 4 passes before being replaced. The Peter King curse in full effect folks..

8. Hmmmm. I know you already took my Dallas Clark advice, but one more tight end to pick up Sunday is Owen Daniels of Houston. Sage Rosenfels is going to need a security blanket against the Oakland blitz, and Daniels will be it.

Owen Daniels : 4 catches, 41 yards. But hey, it was at least a little bit better than Dallas Clark.

9. Chris Chambers is about to be a very famous wide receiver. This is the week he starts producing big for Philip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers.

Chris Chambers : 5 catches, 59 yards and this was probably his best prediction of the bunch. Peter King is to fantasy football what I am to cooking.

The perfect thing for a slow Saturday

One of the sites that I make sure to check out daily is the Football Outsiders. If you like great stats and analogy and break downs on strategy, then you have to read what these guys bring to the table.

They have this one feature called Every Play Counts where Michael David Smith focuses his attention on one player throughout the entire game and breaks down his performance after that. The latest installment has Smith checking out Warren Sapp and let's just say that he wasn't impressed with Sapp's play against the Titans last Sunday.

Let’s just come right out and say it: Warren Sapp is horrible against the run.

Notice I didn’t just say “bad” or “struggling” or anything like that to describe the 34-year-old Raiders defensive tackle. I said “horrible.” I don’t know who the worst offensive lineman in the NFL is, but my guess is that if you could identify that worst lineman and line him up against Sapp one-on-one on a power running play, the worst offensive lineman in the league would get the better of the match-up.

That’s my conclusion after watching Sapp on every play of the Raiders’ 13-9 loss to the Tennessee Titans on Sunday. He gets overpowered on running plays and often looks like he’s not even trying out there.

This might not surprise you because Sapp is definitely not the player anymore that he was during his Bucs days, but this becomes relevant when I remind you what Peter King said of Sapp back in August.

See, Peter named his "All-Curent" NFL team and he had Sapp as the second best defensive tackle in football right now.

Oh, this pick was the right one six years ago and not now, you say? Bull. Sapp has played as well as ever -- like a man possessed -- the last two years.

Yeah, whatever. I'll repeat again what I wrote in the post after I saw this for the first time. Coming into the 2007 football season, Cnn Si's senior NFL writer ranked Warren Sapp ahead of Kevin Williams, Albert Haynesworth, Marcus Stroud, John Henderson, Vince Wilfork, Pat Williams, Casey Hampton and I could even throw Kris Jenkins in there.

Dr. Z, a guy that actually watches tape, says that Vince Wilfork has mastered the nose tackle position in the 3-4. Peter King says that Sapp is playing as good as ever and puts him as a starter on his all-current team. See a difference there?

But hey, we can't be surprised can we. This is the same guy that ranked Mike Furrey ahead of guys like Chad Johnson, Reggie Wayne, Anquan Boldin, Hines Ward, T.O., Roy Williams and T.J. Houshmanzilly.

SI's senior writer folks. On top of his game....

Levitra is not recommended for men with high blood pressure

After Brett Favre heaved that pass up in overtime last night, burning Dre Bly's jockstrap and leading the Packers to a win....most of us probably wondered how massive Peter King's erection must have been at the moment.

Well, he gives us the answer today...

"Brett Favre is magic!!!" screamed Trumpy.

"I need oxygen!!!" screamed Sims.

Stupid me, I should have stayed downstairs, with the TV on. Now there's no way I could sleep for at least 15 or 20 minutes. My heart was beating a mile a minute, like I was there.

I imagine Peter sitting in his rocking chair right now, angrily applying lipstick to his mouth while he holds on to his shotgun and thinks of a way to take out Deanna Favre without it being too obvious.

Seriously, Peter is going to move in with Brett and raise Llamas on a ranch somewhere before it's all said and done.

Again, only Peter King can cheer us up

So, it was a pretty dreadful day yesterday again. You know how it went down. The Red Sox swept their way to another title on the same day that the Patriots somehow cemented themselves as this evil entity. New Enlgand has now reached that Madden level where they can score and toy with you at will and there's just no stopping it.

I never really minded the Pats, but after the camera thing, the teams that keep saying that their headsets lose communication and opponents complaining that Belichick doesn't respect the game and runs up the score...you kinda wish that Kimo von Oelhoffen would take a dive at mister Brady's knees.

So now the Pats open up as a 4 point favorite for the game against Indy. Please wrap your mind around that. Indy is the defending Super Bowl champs, they are 8-0 so far and they just beat a division leader by 24 on the road while missing one of their main weapons. And somehow them being 4-point dog seems too low even.

That's basically how good and how evil this Patriot team has become. I mean, is one city really allowed so much joy within a 1 week period? Can the baseball team sweep a second World Series title in 4 years while the football team is on its way to doing stuff you're only supposed to do in a video game? And I'm not even considering the fact that the Celtics will unveil KG and Ray Allen this week and that Boston College is # 2 in the BCS all while being led by the Heisman favorite.

So yes, everything sucks for the rest of us and I'm just going to do now what comes naturally over here. You guessed it, we're going to mock Peter King just because it's entertaining.

Peter's fantasy advice was horrible last week but it was a lot better this time around. Even though he had some bombs (Adrian Peterson, Vince Young, Osi Umenyiora), he did hit on a couple (Kevin Jones, Steven Jackson, Marc Bulger, Wes Welker).

But there was one real gem in between all of that..

9. I may regret saying this. In fact, I probably will. But Brian Griese has some confident receivers in the huddle right now in the wake of his heroic last-minute save of the Bears' season at Philadelphia last week. I can see him going off for 340 and three touchdowns against the Lions.

Brian Griese. 208 yards, 1 touchdown, 4 picks. Lions sweep the Bears this season. Great call Peterson.

Holding Peter King accountable for horrible fantasy advice

I may be depressed as shit right now but there's one thing that can cheer me up a little and that is ridiculing Peter King's week 7 fantasy football tips.

So yeah, let's see how Peterson's great predictions played out this weekend...

Need a quarterback with the bye season in full swing? You'll hate me for saying this, but pick up Byron Leftwich. That starts my fantasy advice for the weekend.

The 10 weekly wise man's tips:

1. Why Leftwich? Simple. New Orleans isn't rushing the passer well, Leftwich is playing for his future and is supremely motivated, and he's been throwing the ball superbly in practice. That and $4.50 will buy you a triple latte, but he's going to be firing the pill all over the Superdome, and I like his chance to pass for 250 yards ... especially with Joe Horn returning to New Orleans, aiming to gain about 1,000 yards.

People hate you enough already without you telling them to pick up Leftwich. And for those that followed that advice, they probably hate you even more right now. Leftwich was actually putting up some decent numbers (15-23, 145, 1 TD) but since he's as durable as a butterfly, he left injured...yet again.

As for Joe Horn and his "aim" for 1000 yards, he finished with 3 catches for a whopping 25 yards.

2. I have said it all week: Do not bench Vince Young. He won't be in great shape, but it will take an amputation for him not to play at Houston on Sunday.

Read that again and the stupidity sink in thoroughly. I guess that Jeff Fischer must have amputated some part of Vince's anatomy then because he sure wasn't leading the Titans to a win yesterday.

4. Don't look for Michael Pittman to return until Nov. 18, after the Bucs' bye week. That means you should run, not walk, to pick up Michael Bennett, if the dolts in your league have left him on the waiver wire this long. Bennett's going to get the ball a lot, starting Sunday in Detroit.

Michael Bennett. 3 carries. 22 yards. 0 Td's. Who's the dolt now...

6. I've never been a big Chris Chambers fan, because I think he should play better than he's played. Having said that, the change in environment, from a loser to a winner, is going to change this kid's life -- as will being surrounded by players who are better than he is. Challenge is a wonderful thing, sometimes.

Yeah, may be nice and all but let's remember that Chambers has no value in week 7 as the Chargers are on their bye week.

8. I'd love to tell you to play all of your Redskins this weekend with Arizona in town, but I can't -- not with an offensive line that has to be scotch-taped together to make it through a game. Play Jason Campbell if you must, because he's coming on like gangbusters. (How, exactly, do "gangbusters'' come on?) Sit the rest of your 'Skins.

I played my 'Skin Clinton Portis and even though he only ran for 43 yards, he did get me 2 Td's. As for Campbell, he went 12 for 18 for 95 yards with 0 Td's and 1 pick. Gangbusters indeed...

9. Got Thomas Jones? You will be thrilled to death Sunday night. In fact, with Cincinnati and Buffalo on the schedule the next two weeks, and the Jets in QB-protection mode, this is the time to trade for Jones.

Yeah, those Thomas Jones owners sure must've have been thrilled to death Sunday night with 67 rushing yards and 0 Td's. Hold on while I go trade for Jones because he's clearly tearing up these weak ass defenses.

Tune in next week as Peter tells us to trade for Marc Bulger, Deuce McCallister, the Tennessee Titans mascot and Eric Mangini's soiled bra.

Gross...

Our good friend Peter King showing mid-season form in today's edition of MMQB..

b. Thanks for returning to baseball for a couple of weeks, Joe Buck. Missed you.

First of all. That's fucking gross. Secondly, how can anyone ever miss Joe Buck. Missing Joe Buck is like missing a terminal illness. I just don't see how that works.

Tune in next week when Peter misses Communism, the Black Plague, cell phones that look like this, dial-up internet, black and white television sets, the NHL and that John Mellencamp commercial that drives us all closer to suicide every time it airs.

That can't be right....

Our good buddy Peter King, dropping some weird shit in today's edition of MMQB...

d. There can't be a more improved player in baseball over the last couple of years -- other than maybe Carlos Pena -- than Kaz Matsui.

Now, maybe Peter has transformed into some Sabermetric genius overnight, but I'm having a hard time believing this. I'm a lazy dick and I'm not going to go through the trouble of actually researching this, but I really refuse to believe that Kaz Matsui is the most improved player over the last couple of years...

Yeah, that guy hasn't proven anything yet in the leauge

Noted "fantasy expert" Peter King giving this week's fantasy football tips...

2. This is the week for the Redskins' Clinton Portis to make the quantum leap to big fantasy player. He's playing the Lions, he finally feels close to normal, and Joe Gibbs is going to feed him a lot.

Yeah, time for Clinton Portis to finally prove to us that he's a big time fantasy player. The schmuck has only put up these numbers so far in his career...

2002 : Over 1800 total yards, 17 Td's
2003 : Over 1900 total yards, 14 Td's
2004 : Over 1500 total yards, 7 Td's
2005 : Over 1700 total yards, 11 Td's
2006 : Only played 8 games due to injury, still finished with 7 Td's
2007 : 3 games so far and he has 3 Td's

What a bust. Hopefully this is the week that he makes up for all of the disappointment he has brought over the past 5 seasons.

Fun with the Googles : NFL Kick-off edition

"Fun with the Googles" is our regular look at all the filth that is being searched for on the internets. Sometimes it's tame and other times it's as dirty as a disease ridden crack whore.

It's been a while since I ran this feature but today was a perfect time to bust it out again. That's right, we're taking a look at what the good folks on the internets are searching for and as you can see, midgets are the bee's knees.

The searches that brought people here were for "Awesome midget", "naked midget", "Bridget miget", "Gay Midgets" (in Caps Lock) and "Midget Penis", a search term so popular that it's on this list twice.

Besides midgets, the other popular term is "Peter King". People obviously want to mock Peter and his horrendous fantasy draft and other horrendous lists that he comes up with. But yes, my favorite by far is "I hate Peter King". Whoever searched for that sounds like someone I could definitely hang with and "shoot the shit" as the cool kids say nowadays.

As for Peter, we'll probably see him tonight at halftime and he'll probably tell a story on how he took an enormous dump while watching a girl's softball game. I invite you to drop by tonight since I'll be randomly observing/live-blogging the game and of course, my erection could not be bigger right now.

Related posts...

• Jockstrap moments

• Chipmunks drinking coke

• These are my readers, continued..

• There are my readers.

• Morbid Google searches.

Peyton will always be number 1 on that depth chart

Our good friend Peter King in today's edition of MMQB...

"It's always been, 'Peyton's one of the best quarterbacks of this generation, but ...' Now, no one can say 'but' anymore.''

-- Peyton buddy Kenny Chesney, the country singer.

By the way, who does Chesney root for Thursday? He loves Manning. He loves Sean Payton. He caught a pass from Drew Brees in training camp this summer. Better get one of those split jerseys, fella.

I'm pretty sure that Kenny will be wearing a Peyton jersey and then be naked from the waste down as he watches the game on Thursday night. Kenny might like the Saints but I don't think that Sean Payton or Drew Brees have ever massaged his sweaty, southern testicles like Peyton does so well. You might not know this but Chesney's ball sack is engraved in the palm of Peyton's right hand.